Five Jinchuuriki go on a Road Trip Shenanigans Ensue
by Cyrro
Summary: Part Three of 'Why You Should NEVER Keep all Your S Rank Files in one Place'. Naruto is on the hunt for a place called 'The Island of Truth'. In the last few months he has been going on regular missions and asking about this place wherever he goes. But now it's time to bring the jinchuuriki together. Oh yeah, and Iruka's a dad now.
1. The Jinchuuriki United Club

**AN: Welcome to Part Three of 'Why You Should Never Keep all Your S Rank Files in One Place'. As was the case with Parts One and Two, this story is co-written with Ignus Dracorex (he has an account, but no stories to his name). He will be writing any Author's Notes we feel the need to write, since it's his one function nowdays. There will be omakes in Part Three and I would like to remind you all that they are part of the cannon of this fanfiction and that you can earn omake dedications. Also: if you have not read parts one and two, you will have no f###ing clue what is going on. If you have: welcome back.**

Iruka smiles as he feels his son kick him from inside Mei's stomach. "One more week," he says.

 _Crash! Bang! BOOOM!_

"Dammit, why can't the ninja in this village keep the noise down?" sighs Mei-chan.

"Lady Mizukage!" Ao bursts into Mei and Iruka's living room. "The Fourth Mizukage has returned to the village!"

"What? He survived?" Mei stands up. "I'd better stop him!"

"Oh no you don't," says Iruka, putting her back on the couch. "You'll go into premature labour."

"But…"

"I have to agree with Iruka sama," says Ao. "You are in no condition to fight."

"I'll deal with the problem," says Iruka. "I am The Prank King, after all."

Mei sighs. "Fine."

Iruka kisses her and says, "I'll be right back." he follows Ao outside, into the village. Outside, a small, young-looking man with a tall hooked staff is defensively fighting several Mist ninjas.

"Stand back, everyone!" yells Ao. "Iruka sama will take care of this!"

The Mist ninjas stand the Kishimoto out of Iruka's way. Iruka walks up to the Fourth MIzukage. "I am Iruka Umino. What business brings you to these parts, Yagura sama?"

Yagura sama stands up straight and says, "I need to know if the Fifth Mizukage is being controlled."

"I would know if she was," says Iruka. "Who are you concerned about being in control of her?"

"Madara Uchiha," says Yagura.

A nervous gasp travels around the assembled ninjas.

Having been filled in by Itachi and Nagato on who Tobi pretends to be in his free time, Iruka says, "The masked man you think is Madara is actually just a pretender."

"He has the Mangekyou Sharingan!" insists Yagura. "He used it to control me while I was Mizukage! I barely remember what really happened to me during that time. He had me under some sort of genjutsu!"

"We know," says Ao. "Why do you think we staged a coup?"

"Am I right in believing you are the Jinchuuriki of the Three Tails?" asks Iruka, getting down to business.

"Yes, I am. What of it?" says Yagura defensively.

"There is an organization that would be happy to have you as a member-"

"If you're talking about Akatsuki, I know about them!" snaps Yagura. "There is no way I'm joining a group like that!"

"I actually meant a different organization - one that is still forming," says Iruka patiently.

"What organization?" asks Yagura, curious.

"The Jinchuuriki United Club," says Iruka, smiling. "They are still out looking for members - so far they have the 1, 6, 7 and 9 tails on board. Last I heard they were headed to the Stone to get the 4 and 5 tails. The Club is under the leadership of the Nine Tails Jinchuriki." He grins proudly. "He's my brother, you know."

"Are you sure this organization would accept me?" asks Yagura uncertainly.

"Are you a jinchuriki?"

"Yes."

"Then yes, they will. Although," Iruka grins. "If you don't know your Tailed Beast's name, you will get reprimanded. Severely."

"Fine, I'll join the Jinchuuriki Club," sighs Yagura. "It's not like I have anywhere else to go."

"Good," says Iruka, smiling. "We'll get you measured up for your uniform-"

"UNIFORM?"

"Yes, I believe it will be white, with a shirt in a colour of your choice," explains Iruka. "And the kanji for the number of tails your biju has in the back. Of course, my brother chose orange as his colour of choice."

"Oh, I suppose that won't be so bad," says Yagura. "Where do I go to join?"

"Don't worry, they will come to you," says Iruka. "Now come inside for a cup of tea. You look tired."

"Um…" Yagura looks confused. "Don't you need to ask the Mizukage's permission?"

"Probably," says Iruka. "I'll deal with that later. She knows about the Jinchuuriki United Club. She'll be fine with it."

Yagura reluctantly follows Iruka back to his house. "Um, are you sure the Mizukage won't mind you inviting me into your house?"

Iruka turns to him, an evil grin on his face. "We're sending you off for the Naruto treatment. The Mizukage is the least of your worries." He opens the door and calls, "Tadaima!"

Mei emerges from the living room, holding on to the door frame, her hand on her stomach. "The baby's coming!" she gasps out. "Oh, hey, Yagura."

"Oh, crap!" says Iruka, and scoops Mei up. "Better get you to the hospital! Stay here, Yagura! Ao, make sure he doesn't try to sneak off."

"Yes, sir!" says Ao, and turns to stare intimidatingly at Yagura.

Iruka paces the hospital corridor, unable to stand still. He got kicked out of the birthing room for 'getting under everyone's feet'. He is itching with worry. Will Mei-chan be okay? Will their baby be okay?

He turns and starts walking the other way. Come on, hurry up and be over!

After what seems like an eternity of worrying, a medic finally comes to fetch him. "You have a healthy son," says the medic.

"Oh good," says Iruka, sighing in relief. "Is Mei alright?"

"Mei sama is fine," says the medic, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. "Now get your ass in there."

Iruka does exactly that. Mei looks absolutely exhausted, but absolutely radiant. Iruka sits down on the edge of her bed and looks down at their son with wide eyes. The baby's eyes are still screwed shut, but they should open in a day or two. They will be blue to start with, just like every baby. Iruka wonders what colour they will turn into. The baby has tufts of reddish-brown hair all over his head. "He's beautiful," says Iruka.

"What shall we call him?" asks Mei, her attention is also fixated on the baby.

"Sanma," says Iruka.

"That kinda fits," says Mei. "Sanma."


	2. Don't Leave me Behind!

Naruto, Fu, Gaara, Utakata, Sasori and Deidara are on their merry way to The Village Hidden in the Stone. They are on their way to meet the newest member of the JInchuuriki United Club - Han of the Steam Style. Once they have collected Han, Gaara will have to go back to the Sand while the rest of the JUC goes to find the Stone's other Jinchuuriki. Deidara and Sasori are there as bodyguards in case someone attacks the JUC.

Naruto is looking forward to meeting some new jinchuuriki and their bijuu.

 _Naruto, was it really necessary to have a uniform for the JUC?_ Asks Kurama.

 _Why are you complaining?_ Asks Naruto. _You don't have to wear it._

Kurama sighs and goes back to sleep.

Naruto doesn't see what is wrong with the JUC uniform. It isn't all that bad; after all, they all collaborated on it. Baggy white pants, knee high black and white sandals and a loose sleeved shirt with a white sleeveless haori over the top. The shirt is in a colour of the wearer's choice, as is the stripe around the edges of the haori. On the back of the haori, in the wear's chosen colour, is the kanji for the number of tails their tailed beast has. Naruto's shirt, haori lining and kanji for nine are, of course, orange. Fu chose red, Gaara chose maroon and Utakata chose light blue. Utakata also wears his Akatsuki cloak over his JUC uniform. Seriously, what is wrong with the uniform?

"So what do you do in Akatsuki, Utakata san?" asks Fu, who is flying along happily in front of the group, facing towards them.

"Intelligence gathering," says Utakata. "That was Black Zetsu and White Zetsu's job, and now it is mine and Saiken's."

"Yeah, and unlike Zetsu," says Deidara, grinning. "Utakata and Saiken don't eat people!"

"Well, here we are," says Gaara. "The Hidden Stone. It seems the Tsuchikage come out to meet us with our new member."

"Oh, yay!" says Naruto. "I can't wait to meet the new member, dattebayo!"

As soon as the JUC is in reach of the Tsuchikage, he gives Gaara a hug. "How have you been, Boy?" he asks.

"I have been well," says Gaara. "But Shukaku still won't let me get a decent sleep. He says sleep is for the weak."

 _That's bull####,_ says Kurama. _I sleep all the time._

"Kurama says that's bull####, he sleeps all the time," says Naruto. Then he turns to the giant man beside the Tsuchikage. "I'm Naruto! Kurama says to say 'Hi' to Kokuo for him."

"I am Han of the Steam Style," says the giant man. "Kokou says 'Kurama can shove it where the sun don't shine'."

Kurama starts laughing. _I see my sister hasn't changed a bit!_

"Kurama thinks that's funny for some reason," says Naruto, scratching his head. "Anyway, these guys are Gaara of the Sand, Fu of the Hidden Waterfall, Utakata of the Bubble Style-"

"That's cooler than it sounds, trust me," says Utakata.

"-Sasori of the Red Sand and Deidara of the Explosion Style," finishes Naruto. "Gaara has Shukaku, Fu has Chomei, Utakata has Saiken and I obviously have Kurama. Deidara and Sasori are here to protect us from Team Tsuki no Me. Not that we NEED any protection, we have Gaara."

"Pfft," gwaffs Deidara. "I could take Gaara in a fight!"

"Sure you could," says Naruto, sarcastically. "So, Tsuchikage-jiisan, where do we find the other Stone jinchuuriki?"

"He lives in an isolated place somewhere," says the Tsuchikage. "He up and moves whenever we manage to track him down to see how he's doing. You'll have to rely on your tracking skills for this."

"SWEET!" Naruto punches the air. "We get to go on a roadtrip, 'ttebayo!" then he turns to Han. "So… do you have a JUC uniform yet?"

"No," says Han. "It's taking awhile for them to make it because my clothing needs to be insulated for my Steam Style."

"Oh. Well, we'll leave once you have your uniform, 'ttabayo."

A messenger bird flies down onto the ground beside Han and squawks at him. "Well, it looks my uniform is here," says Han. "I'll just go change, then we can be on our way." He says, taking the scroll from the bird's scroll carrier.

"Sweet!" Says Naruto. "So, what shall we do while we're waiting?"

"I want to get some ice cream," says Gaara.

"That's a great idea, 'ttabayo!" agrees Naruto.

The group heads off to get some icecream, and by the time they are done, Han has changed into his uniform.

Han's colour of choice is a dignified shade of dark grey. His shirt is made of a kind of insulated armor, and he has closed shoes instead of sandals, and still wears a mask over his face.

"You look intimidating," says Utakata matter of factly.

"Nice, 'ttabayo," says Naruto, giving Han the double thumbs-up.

"Will you be Fu's friend?" asks Fu, smiling radiantly.

"Maybe," says Han.

Fu looks hopeful.

"LET'S GO ON THIS ROADTRIP, DATTEBAYO!" shouts Naruto, punching the air.

"Bye Gaara!" says Fu, cheerfully. "I wish you could come too!"

"Yeah, this is going to be the best road trip EVER!" adds Naruto. The group sets off, walking, skipping and flying, down the road to begin their trip.

Then Gaara says, "DAMMIT! I am going on this road trip!" he runs to catch up with the rest of the group.

"Welcome aboard!" says Naruto.

"You aren't getting rid of me that easily!"


	3. How to Scare the Raikage

It is a sunny day in the Village Hidden in the Cloud. Killer B and the Raikage are pouring over the latest Bingo Book the Cloud's intelligence corp put together.

One entry in particular catches B's attention. The entry has no picture, only a warning; " _The Orange Terror. Age; approximately 14 years old. Name; as yet unknown. Village; Hidden Leaf. Description; is blonde and wears orange. Warning; if you see a short, blonde boy in orange wearing a Leaf headband RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. He can and will take down Kage, S Rank shinobi and bijuus with ease."_

"Take a look at this bro," says B. "This ninja's a pro. He takes down bijuu without batting an eye, but it says here he's just a little guy!"

A reads the profile, and then re reads it. "No way…!" he says. Then he stands up and yells, "GET ME THE PERSON WHO ADDED THIS PROFILE! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE ORANGE TERROR REALLY IS!"

"Yes Lord Raikage!" there is a general scramble to follow the Raikage's orders before windows and walls start breaking. Soon a young ninja is brought before the Raikage to account for the entry about the 'Orange Terror'.

"Who is this 'Orange terror', and how do you know of him?" demand's the Raikage.

"Well, um…" the ninja twists his hands nervously. "I met him."

"WHEN!?" roars the Raikage.

"On a mission a month ago!" blurts out the ninja. "Myself and a team went to the Land of Rice Paddies to help settle a dispute between two clans. The two clans were having issues over who a certain patch of land belonged to, and one of the clans hired a Konoha ninja to help them settle things. The other clan hired their own ninja - my team - to deal with the Konoha ninja." The ninja pauses and fidgets for a bit before a glare from the Raikage forces him to continue. "The ninja they hired said he was called The Orange Terror, and that he would fix everything. It took him ten minutes to solve the dispute, and by the time my team arrived on the scene, The Orange Terror was getting ready to leave. We went on an intel gathering trip to find out who he is, but all we found out about him is that he took down Orochimaru in less than ten minutes, beat a bijuu into submission and can knock out the Third Hokage in a few seconds. Other reports say he took down the Kazekage, made the Demon of the Hidden Mist Cry and convinced the leader of Akatsuki to start a peace movement instead of destroying the world in a single sentence. I also heard his brother is The Prank King and his best friend is the Grim Reaper's son. There are also rumors that he is dating the Hyuuga heiress."

"What is this kid?" says the Raikage in horror. "The spawn of the Yellow Flash and The Bloody Habanero?" (In the Land of Iron, Naruto sneezes. "Bless you," says Han. Meanwhile, in a certain seal, the Fourth Hokage and his wife sneeze. "I didn't know dead people could sneeze," remarks Kushina.)

"This kid sounds badass,

And what is more, he has class.

Takin' down Kage and makin' a name,

With him around s### won't be the same! YEAH!" raps B.

"Dammit B, stop rapping!" roars A.

"Aw, but bro...!" B begins to protest.

"None of that!" yells the Raikage. "CALL A MEETING OF THE COUNCIL!"

"Yes, Raikage, sir!" there is a frantic scramble to obey the Raikage.

A few minutes later - the council assembles amazingly fast when the Raikage is in one of his moods - the entire council is assembled in the council room awaiting the Raikage's angry rant.

"Let's get down to business, then," says one of the council. "Why have you called us here, Lord Raikage?"

"WE NEED TO FORM AN ALLIANCE WITH THE HIDDEN LEAF!" Roars the Raikage.

The entire council looks as shocked and flabbergasted as if B had jumped up on the table and started rapping in the nude.

"THEY HAVE A 14 YEAR OLD SUPER NINJA THAT CAN TAKE DOWN KAGES, BIJUU AND S RANK CRIMINALS! WE NEED TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT HE IS THE SPAWN OF THE YELLOW FLASH AND THE BLOODY HABANERO!"

"That...is a problem," says C. "It probably would be in our best interests to ally with the Leaf."

"Yes," joins in a council member whose name B struggles to remember. "With a shinobi like that, we would not stand a chance if they decided to declare war on us."

"That's not all," says the Raikage gravely. "Rumor has it this young ninja is dating the Hyuuga heiress."

"The same one they claimed our messenger tried to kidnap?" asks D

"Most likely," says A. "He has every reason to attack us."

"And now that the Leaf has the power to take us down…"

"Exactly," nods A. "We need to ally with them before that happens. Luckily for us, it seems the Rain started a peace movement. If we go to them claiming we want to join the movement, they will HAVE to let us in."

The councillors start nodding in agreement. There is a general mumer of scared agreement to the Raikage's plan.

"So…" says C. "Shall we send a message to the Rain today or…?"

"TODAY! WE WILL WRITE UP A MESSAGE AND SEND IT RIGHT NOW!" roars the Raikage.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Aren't You Being Sneaky Lately?**

 _Dedicated to that anonymous_ _ **Guest**_ _for being the first person to comment._

"That was the most awesome thing I've ever seen though!" proclaims Naruto. "Suigetsu deserves that win."

"Yes, but we still owe him ramen," says Hinata, sighing. "Let's hope he doesn't eat as much as us."

"Sasuke says that Itachi says that Kisame says that Suigetsu can eat a lot when he wants to," says Naruto, nodding as if what Sasuke says Itachi says Kisame says has absolute credibility.

Hinata and Naruto are sitting beneath a rather lovely tree having a picnic. It is the first time they have gone on a date where their chaperone did not sit between them. And where is their chaperone, one might ask?

Simple: he is in the shadows to the left, and that is not changing until the date is over.

"More L&P?" asks Naruto, offering Hinata the giant bottle Konan gave them for the picnic.

"Sure," agrees Hinata, holding out her cup. As Naruto pours her another cup, she says, "I don't know where Konan gets this stuff, but if she ever wants to open a shop that sells only L&P, she could make a fortune."

Naruto pauses in his pouring. Then he grins and whispers, "It sounds like Iruka-nii is taking a nap."

Hinata grins. "Shall we sneak away?"

"Nah, we'll get him into trouble with your dad," whispers Naruto. Then he leans forward and kisses Hinata.

They both blush. It is their first kiss.

In the shadows to the left, Iruka smiles and continues to feign sleep.


	4. Gaara Has Never Been Camping?

The JUC makes their merry way through the Land of Iron looking for Roshi. Deidara and Sasori tag along as mostly unnecessary bodyguards. When night falls, the group makes camp, starting a fire at the insistence of Naruto, who really, really wants a campfire, thank you very much - this is a road trip after all.

"Can we tell stories and roast marshmallows?" asks Fu, all hopeful enthusiasm.

"Sure we can tell stories," says Naruto. "I know one that will make you all laugh."

"Yay!" Fu jumps up and down, clapping her hands.

"Did anyone actually bring any marshmallows?" asks Utakata.

"I did!" says Fu, pulling a giant bag of marshmallows out of her bag.

"Awesome!" Yells Naruto, then starts digging in his bag. He pulls out a bag of sausages. "I brought some sausages for us to cook too!"

"I've never roasted marshmallows over a campfire before," admits Gaara.

"You had no childhood," says Deidara. "We need to fix this, un."

"Funny, that's what Oonoki-jiisan said when I told him I'd never had ice cream before," says Gaara.

The others in the group stare at Gaara.

"You poor kid," says Utakata. "Naruto, tell us that story you promised. I'll bet the Kazekage never told stories over a campfire either."

"Right," Naruto nods. "Okay, so here's what happened…"

 _Six year old Naruto was bored. He had spent all day in the Academy staring out the window while the new boy Sasuke tried to keep away from the girls. For some reason he had started wearing far too much deodorant. Now that it was lunch time, Naruto needed to have some fun._

 _Time to get pranking._

 _Gathering up several pieces of paper, Naruto wrote the same words on each piece, taking great pains to make his handwriting as neat as a grown ups. Then he snuck off to the Hokage tower and taped one of the pieces of paper to each door he come across. Then he hid and watched as all the chunins and jounins ran around like headless chickens._

"What did you put on those signs?" asks Han.

Naruto grins evilly. "I wrote: _Door Out of Order, please use window._ Except, that week, the Hokage banned using the windows to go in and out of the Hokage Tower!"

"That's evil," says Sasori.

"That's when Iruka-nii started paying attention to me," says Naruto grinning. "He said I had potential."

"Who's Iruka?" asks Han.

"The Prank King," say Fu, Utakata, Gaara, Sasori and Deidara in perfect unison.

Han looks suitably terrified.

"MY TURN!" says Fu, bouncing up and down.

"Alright," says Utakata. "Tell us a story, Fu."

"Okay," says Fu. "Here's how Fu made friends with Neji!"

 _It was the day before the first round of the most recent chunin exams. Fu was trying to make friends with the other contestants, but for some reason they kept running away from her. A particular group of Genins, Grass ninjas - Fu had tried to make friends with them before, but they turned her down flat out - got so frustrated with her that they attacked her._

" _But Fu just wants to be your friend!" insisted Fu, dodging their attacks._

" _Fu can go #### in #### with some ##### and then #### ###### by the ###### in #####!" said one of the Grass ninjas._

" _That's rude!" said Fu, and started to cry._

" _Why are you making this girl cry?" demanded a voice from behind Fu._

" _You stay out of this, Leaf ninja!" warned the Grass ninja. "She is asking for a beating and we are gonna give it to her!"_

" _No, I don't think you are," said the Leaf ninja, whom Fu recognized as Naruto's friend Neji. He strode forward, and got right up in the Rain ninja's face. "Byakugan," he said, making his eyes go all freaky. "I am Neji Hyuuga, and this girl is a friend of mine. Back off."_

 _The Grass ninja just looked at him and said, "What are you gonna do against us, our chakra points are protected."_

" _Don't make me call my cousin's boyfriend," said Neji conversationally. "He is Lord Pein's cousin you know. I'm sure he'll be happy to-"_

 _The Grass ninja turned and ran._

" _-prank you." finished Neji._

 _Fu grabbed Neji's hand. "Did you mean it?" She asked. "Are you Fu's friend?"_

" _Yes," said Neji, trying to pull his hand out of her's. "Now please let go of my hand!"_

"And now we are penpals!" finishes Fu triumphantly.

"Plus you LOVE him," teases Naruto. "Fu and Neji in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"SHUT UP!" yells Fu, clapping her hand over Naruto's mouth and turning very, very red.

"Do you like this Neji kid?" asks Han.

"Yeah, do you?" demands Utakata.

"Do you, un?" says Deidra.

"Well do you?" says Sasori.

"Comon, tell us!" says Naruto. "You love him, you love him!"

"YOU love Hinata!" snaps Fu, trying to divert the attention from herself. It doesn't work.

"Well, no duh," says Naruto. "That's why I'm dating her! So what are the chances of us being cousins in law one day? Do you love Neji?!"

Fu goes redder than Hinata ever did and squeaks out, "That's none of your business!"

"But you've been writing letters to him," points out Gaara. "You must like him a lot. And you keep blushing."

Fu droops. "Fine, I like Neji. But I don't think he likes me that way, so DON'T tell him, okay?" she glares at Naruto as she says the last part.

"Why not?" asks Naruto. "Neji has a HUGE crush on you."

Everyone stares at Naruto, except Gaara, who facepalms.

"Neji...likes...Fu…?" whispers Fu.


	5. The Monkey King is BORED

**AN: _I thought you would all like to know the answer to a question that must have bugged you a fair bit. Which match from the Chunin exams in Part Two did I plan? Well, it is simple: I planned to have Neji VS Hinata in the second round. Every single other match was randomized - even the out comes were not planned except for Neji loosing to Hinata. I did not plan for Suigetsu to win the tournament, he just kinda_ did _. ~Cyrro._**

The Handsome Monkey King of the Water Screen Cave; the King of the Sage Monkeys, who was bestowed with the Dharma name of Son by the Sage of Six Paths; Son Gokū, the Great Sage Equaling Heaven is more bored than he has ever been in his life. His jinchuuriki is ignoring him AGAIN. Stupid Roshi.

Stupid, stupid Roshi

Son Goku wishes he could get out of the seal and squash the stupid little human man. _Stupid humans are all the same_ , thinks Son Goku. _they ignore the fact you are a person too and leech off your power. Or in Roshi's case, ignore the fact you exist in favour of chopping firewood._

If only something interesting would happen.

Hold on. Son Goku strains at his seal, trying to get a better feel for the large masses of chakra headed their way.

 _Quiet down, in there!_ Scolds Roshi.

Obviously he hasn't sensed the five bijuu and their jinchuuriki, plus two others that are creeping up on them. But Son Goku can always sense when his siblings are nearby. He grins to himself. Let them come. It's about time something happened around here.

A few moments later, five jinchuuriki and two guys in black cloaks with red clouds on surround Roshi.

"Hey, Son Goku!" says the blonde jinchuuriki. Kurama's jinchuuriki. "Kurama says 'Hi'!"

"Saiken says hi," says the jinchuuriki who is wearing a cloak like the two non-jinchuuriki's.

"Shukaku says your human looks like a wuss," says the red haired kid with bags under his eyes.

"Chomei doesn't want to talk to anyone," says the green haired jinchuuriki girl, drooping sadly.

"And Kokuo says you can ##########," says the tall jinchuuriki who Sun Gokuu recognizes. His name was Han, or something like that.

 _Tell my siblings and their jinchuuriki 'Hello' from me!_ Demands Son Goku.

 _No,_ refuses Roshi. _Now be quiet._ Aloud Roshi says, "Go away, all of you. I am not in the mood for any of this right now."

"I'm sorry, Roshi senpai," says the girly non jinchuuriki. "You are being taken under the protection of Akatsuki."

"And you have to join the JUC!" adds the blonde jinchuuriki.

"You can't make me," says Roshi. "Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?"

"I am Naruto Uzumaki, Orange Terror of the Hidden Leaf."

"I am Gaara of the Sand, Kazekage of the Hidden Sand."

"I am Fu!"

"I am Utakata of the Bubble Style."

"I am Han. We have met before."

"I'm Deidara, un."

"I am Sasori of the Red Sand."

The jinchuuriki and their companions give their names with varying degrees of friendliness. Then Naruto steps towards Roshi and says, "I am the head of the JUC. I am here to recruit you. And before you ask, the JUC is the Jinchuuriki United Club. You have no choice in whether you join or not."

"I'm not putting up with this," says Roshi. He tries to shunshin away.

 _Tries_. It is a valiant effort. But sadly (not that Son Goku actually thinks it's sad) Roshi gets absolutely nowhere.

"You have to do better than that," says Naruto, after he is done with Roshi.

Roshi glares at Naruto through the bucket of dead fish Naruto dumped over his head and strains at the orange rope Naruto tied him up with. Roshi tries to use his ninjutsu to escape, but Naruto's chakra suppressing seal is very effective and Son Goku is laughing too hard to be of any use. "You little ####!" says Roshi.

Naruto laughs. "Did I mention that I'm the son of the Yellow Flash and The Bloody Habanero?" He shrugs. "Besides, this is nothing next to what my brother the Prank King can do."

"You should just join and accept the fact you have no choice," says Utakata.

"HELL NO!" yells Roshi.

Son Goku laughs and laughs.

"Tell me," say Naruto sweetly. "Do you call Son Goku by his name?"

"Why should I?" snaps Roshi, angry.

"Because if you don't," says Naruto. "I will prank you."

"Is that supposed to be a threat?"

Apparently, yes. Yes, it is a threat. Son Goku laughs as Naruto pranks the living daylights out of Roshi, rendering him unconscious using all manner of things - including several paper clips, an entire deck of cards, a pair of chopsticks and cup of rice. And that was only in the first ten seconds.

"I think you overdid it," says Utakata, poking Roshi.

Son Goku is glad he can still see what's going on when Roshi is unconscious.

"Nah," says Naruto. "He'll be fine, 'ttebayo. Who wants to carry him?"

"I will," says Sasori. "He will not slow me down."

"Where do we go now?" asks Fu.

"We should probably take Gaara back to the Sand before they accuse us of kidnapping and send ANBU after us," says Utakata thoughtfully.

"Yeah, I suppose," says Naruto. "But what village do we go to now? I mean, we need to get Roshi a uniform, and the Hidden Rain is making those; but we also need to let the Tsuchikage know we have Roshi."

"The Hidden Stone is on the way to the Hidden Rain, un," points out Deidara. "So let's go there first."

A messenger Hawk flies down and lands on Naruto's shoulder. "It's Iruka-nii's messenger hawk!" says Naruto. He takes out the message and gives the bird a treat. "It says that Mei-sama had her baby, and they named him Sanma!" says Naruto excitedly. "And they found Isobu's jinchuuriki!"

"That's great!" says Fu. "Another member for the JUC!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Sorry Asuma, You're on Your Own.**

 _Wow, 16 reviews already. That has got to be the most reviews in the first few chapters. (And to answer your question, Saiyan Hatake: it is tradition in this series to dedicate the first omake to the first commenter - even if they are a random nameless guest.) (Future omake dedication for the person who guesses who won the game.)_

Kakashi, Yamato, Shin, Sai, Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto are sitting around Yamato's kitchen table playing 'Go Fish'. Naruto is winning, and Sai is coming in a close second.

"Sasuke stop flashing your cards!" Shin scolds. For an ex-root kid he is pretty lively.

The door crashes open and Asuma runs in, a look of helpless terror on his face. He runs up to Kakashi and begs, "Hide me!"

"From what?" asks Kakashi, unconcerned.

Iruka Umino appears in the doorway.

"Sorry, you're on your own," says Kakashi. "Naruto hand over that six of hearts you just flashed."

"Aw man!" Naruto whines and hands over the card.

Iruka grabs Asuma by the back of his vest and drags him out the window. "You are overdue for a lesson in why people fear the Prank King," says Iruka, his voice as hard as steel.

"Help me!" screams Asuma in terror.

"Do I look like I have a death wish?" asks Kakashi, raising his eyebrows.

Once Asuma's screams for help have faded into the distance, Kakashi, Yamato and their sidekicks go back to their card game as if nothing unusual happened.


	6. ALMIGHTY PUSH!

The Rain in the Hidden Rain gets absolutely everywhere, Sasuke reflects as he spars with Nagato. He ducks a punch from his sensei and wonders how long it will be before Suigetsu catches Karin's cooties. The two have been going out together, but Konan and Nagato have their work cut out for them stopping Karin from having Suigetsu's babies before they are even immune to cooties.

Sasuke shudders at the thought of Suigetsu and Karin kissing in public places. Idly, Sasuke wonders where, exactly, babies come from. His Father told him the mother sends an order to the stalks, who deliver the baby to her and she keeps it warm in her tummy until it is strong enough to survive. Where the stalks get the babies from, Sasuke's Father refused to tell.

Anyway, back to the sparring match. Nagato has activated his rinnegan, meaning the fight is about to get serious. Sasuke activates his mangekyo sharingan.

Sasuke winces as his left eye burns a bit. It's been doing that a lot around Nagato.

"Almighty Push!" says Nagato, sending Sasuke flying backwards.

Sasuke hits a tree, feeling the slightest shift in his Left eye. He closes his right eye - his vision has changed in just his left eye. It is a bit disconcerting. Still, he thinks, if this is what he thinks it is then: "ALMIGHTY PULL!" he yells, stretching out his hand and activating his new rinnegan.

Nagato flies towards him, yelling, "Hey! You stole my jutsu!"

"I just awakened a rinnegan," says Sasuke. "Almighty Push!"

"Almighty Pull!" yells Nagato.

"Almighty Push!"

"Almighty Push!"

"Almighty Pull!"

"What is going on here?" asks Konan's voice.

Sasuke and Nagato turn from their game of Push-me-pull-you to see Konan standing at the edge of their training ground giggling behind her hand.

"Oh, hi Konan," says Nagato. "What's up?"

"Hn," says Sasuke.

"Hello you two," says Konan. "What do you mean, you developed rinnegan?"

"Hn," elaborates Sasuke.

"Ah, that makes sense," nods Konan.

"I've always wanted to have an Almighty Push-Pull off with someone," admits Nagato, grinning.

"That's nice," says Konan. "We have a letter from the Raikage asking if the Cloud can jump on the Peace bandwagon."

"SOMEBODY CAME TO US OF THEIR OWN ACCORD!" rejoices Nagato, jumping up and down and clapping his hands in excitement.

"The Leaf came to us of their own accord," points out Konan.

"Yes, but it's the CLOUD!" says Nagato. "They haven't tried to make peace with anyone since that fiasco with the Hyuuga clan."

"To be fair, that fiasco was the Cloud's fault," says Sasuke. "They just didn't want to admit it."

"Here is the letter the Cloud sent," says Konan, handing Nagato a scroll with the Raikage's symbol on it.

"Let's see…" Nagato opens it up and reads it aloud. It reads thus:

 _To the leader of the Hidden Rain:_

 _Word has reached the Cloud of a peace movement which began in your village. The Cloud would like to join this movement to secure a better future for our children and their children._

 _Signed the Raikage A._

 _'Yo wassup, bro, Killer B here;_

 _I just wanna make it clear_

 _A wants to join this movement_

 _Cause he thinks it's an improvement!_

 _He don't know I'm writing this rhyme,_

 _So I don't have much time._

 _Word of the Orange Terror struck fear in A's heart_

 _So when he heard that you might let us be part_

 _Of the move to peace he thought_

' _There's the place to start!_

 _We don't want this kid terrorizing our village'_

 _Please ignore all of the above rapping, signed C._

Nagato bursts out laughing. "Naruto just secured us a peace treaty without even setting foot in the Hidden Cloud!"

"Hn." snorts Sasuke, moodily. He hasn't felt this upset since Naruto beat Haku and Zabuza. Naruto is getting too far ahead of him and Sasuke almost feels he will need half the power of a god to even equal Naruto's awesomeness.

"Cheer up Sasuke!" says Nagato. "You have a rinnegan now, and rinnegan are such a powerful dojutsu that they are regarded as a power only possible in legend.

"Hn," says Sasuke, pouting.

"HEY! SASUKE!"

Well, it sounds like Naruto is here. "What's up, Dobe?"

"We have two new members for the JUC!" says Naruto, switching to his normal outside yell. Gaara, Sasori, Deidara, Utakata and Fu are with Naruto. There is also a giant man in a JUC uniform and a tied up man with a scowl on his face. "And did you hear?" continues Naruto excitedly. "Mei-sama had her baby, and they called him Sanma! And they found the other Mist jinchuuriki, Yagura. Once we drop Gaara off in the Sand we're going to collect him and see Iruka-nii and Mei-sama's baby!"

"Hn," says Sasuke.

"WHAT! A RINNEGAN?"

"Hn."

"Woah, is that true?" Naruto turns to Nagato and Konan in disbelief. "The raikage is so scared by my reputation that HE approached YOU to join the Peace Movement?"

"How did you get all that from ONE syllable?" demands Roshi.

"It's called 'Speaking Uchiha'," says Nagato. "His brother communicates in shrugs."

"HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Smuggling Contraband is not a Good Idea.**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Seaweed4brains**_ _, who identified the reference I made to Draco Malfoy in the title of chapter 40 of 'Senseless Doneness'._

Karin is buried so deeply in Nagato's closet that he can only see her feet. "Um, Karin?" says Nagato. "What are you doing in my closet?"

"The real question," says Karin, wiggling out of Nagato's closet feet-first. "Is what is this doing in here?" she holds up Nagato's secret stash of green spandex.

Nagato freezes. Maybe if he doesn't move she won't smell his fear.

"Well?" she demands.

"I...um…" Nagato stammers out his response. "I...ah…" he droops. "I really like them," he whines lamely.

Karin wavers. Nagato can see her beginning to crack.

He make his most pitiful begging face.

Karin takes a deep breath and steels herself. "I don't care how much you like them: you will not wear them or own them so long as I have a say in the matter!"

"And you won't date Suigetsu as long as I have a say in the matter!" counters Nagato, pulling his back-bone out from under his pillow.

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM DATING SUIGETSU!"

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME FROM WEARING SPANDEX!"

"I LOVE SUIGETSU!"

"I LOVE SPANDEX!"

Karin takes a deep breath and forces herself to say, "If I let you wear the spandex whenever you want, will you let me date Suigetsu?"

Nagato takes a calming breath and forces out, " _YES._ "


	7. Calm at Last

Sakura is on her way to the hospital for her shift. The overall atmosphere in the Hidden Leaf seems to be rather calm and docile. _It's because Naruto and Iruka sensei are gone,_ claims Inner Sakura.

 _Maybe,_ admits Sakura. _Then again it could be the lovely weather and the fact that we are at peace with pretty much every village except the Cloud._

Sakura uses chakra to enhance her hearing and zooms in on a particular conversation.

"...quiet since Iruka sensei left," says a woman's voice. "But I never thought it would get this quiet and calm just because Naruto left for a while."

"I know," says a man's voice. "If one or the other of them were still here, I would be scared of this silence. As it is, Otouto, I'm just glad they took their craziness somewhere else for a while."

"I'm very glad that they actually found a way to fob Iruka sensei off on another village."

"Tell me about it; I thought they never would."

 _Called it, Shannaro!_ Crows Inner Sakura.

Shin looks up from his training with Team Ten when he sees a messenger hawk fly overhead.

"I wonder why there are so many messenger hawks flying around today," he remarks to Ino and Choji.

"Who cares," says Ino. "Let's just keep training. I NEED to pass the next chunin exam."

"We'll find out sooner or later anyway," adds Choji.

"Not if it doesn't concern you," says Asuma Sensei. "Now practice that formation again. You still aren't entirely in sync."

"It's not the same without Shikamaru," complains Choji.

"It's a JUC messenger hawk," Hinata tells her teammates as she gets a better look at the most recent messenger hawk to fly to the Kage tower. "That makes one from the Mist, one from the Rain and two from the JUC today. Three if you count the one Naruto sent me this morning."

"Wow, that's a lot of messenger Hawks," says Kiba. "Even if one was for you and one was for Neji."

"I think that the JUC has gathered another member," says Shino. "The amount of messenger haws indicates that-"

"So can we get back to training?" asks Kiba. "I HAVE to pass the next chunin exam."

Sai sees another messenger Hawk fly in and goes up to the messenger bird station to collect it. It is from the JUC, so he takes it straight to the Hokage, rather than Shizune. On the way he meets Shikamaru. "Good afternoon, Lazy," he says smiling.

"Oh, hey Sai, is that another message from the JUC?" says Shikamaru.

"Yes, it is," says Sai. "This one is actually for the Hokage."

"Cool, cool," says Shikamaru. "Did you hear what the message from the Mist was about?" he asks.

"No, I did not."

"Mei and Iruka's baby was born a week early," says Shikamaru. "It's pretty troublesome, but the Fourth Mizukage turned up and the shock caused Mei sama to go into premature labour. Iruka sensei convinced the Fourth Mizukage to join the JUC, since he's the jinchuuriki of the Three Tails, Isobu, or whatever his name is."

"How do you think your team's training with my brother is going?" asks Sai.

"They'll be stopping for afternoon tea soon," says Shikamaru. "It's troublesome, but Choji can't miss any snacks."

Neji re reads his latest letter from Fu for about the 20th time. He cannot quite believe it is real. His byakugan begs to differ. It confirms the letter is real enough, but they are still HIS eyes. He needs someone else's eyes to confirm what he is reading is real and true.

Right on cue, his team turns up. "Is that another letter from your youthful girlfriend?" asks Gai sensei.

"Yes," says Neji. "But I think I'm reading it wrong, can you check for me?"

"Of course, my young student!" agrees Gai sensei, taking the proffered letter and reading it aloud.

 _Dear Neji;_

 _Naruto told Fu that Neji loves Fu. Is that true? 'Cause Fu loves Neji A LOT. Fu needs to know if Naruto is telling the truth, because Fu wants to be more than just Neji's penpal, and Fu needs to know if Neji feels the same way. And Fu needs to know RIGHT NOW._

 _Love Fu._

 _PS: we only have two jinchuuriki left to find._

"Is that what you think you read?" asks Gai sensei gravely.

"Yes," says Neji, nodding. "I guess I read right. Fu likes me too!" he blushes in a way only a Hyuuga can.

"Wow," says Lee, crying manly tears. "Neji has found love in the Springtime Of His Youth!"

"My young student," says Gai sensei. "You must take ahold of the present and go to your Love right away!" he cast his Unbreakable Sunset Genjutsu and puts a hand on Neji's shoulder.

"Actually," says Tenten. "I think Neji should just send Fu a letter confessing his true feelings and ask to meet her for a date."

"Good idea, thank you, Tenten," says Neji. "But I had better get Uncle's permission first."

"What is it you need my permission for?" asks Uncle Hiashi, appearing right on cue.

"I would like your permission to get a girlfriend," says Neji.

"And who would this girlfriend be?" asks Uncle Hiashi.

"Fu of the Hidden Waterfall," says Neji. "We've been exchanging letters since the chunin exams."

"I must meet her as soon as possible," says Hiashi. "I can't approve of a girl I haven't met."

"Yes uncle," says Neji, tucking Fu's letter into his new jounin vest where it will be close to his heart. "I will write to her right away."


	8. Who Knew?

The JUC heads to the Hidden Mist where the meeting with the Raikage will be held, due to the fact that Mei sama hasn't recovered enough to travel yet, that and Sanma is too young to cart halfway across the Elemental nations. Nagato and Konan go with them, having replaced Deidara and Sasori as the Akatsuki guard. Nagato also needs to be at the meeting, as the leader of the Peace Movement.

The group is soon joined by Kankuro and Temari, who came from the Sand to act as Gaara's guards at the coming meeting. They make it to the mist in good time, stopping for campfire-stories and more marshmallow roasting when night falls. In fact, they deliberately take a bit longer so they can. All the same, the reach the Mist before any other group.

Chojuro meets them at the gates and takes them to the Mizukage's office where a boy with a tall staff is standing beside the Mizukage desk, making sure Ao does Mei's paperwork. Mei is sitting on her couch with Iruka-nii, and holding a baby.

Naruto sneaks over and peers at the baby. "He has blue eyes," says Naruto as the baby stares at him curiously.

"Most babies have blue eyes until they are about six month old," says Iruka-nii. "Unless they stay blue, they'll change colour about then."

"Oh," says Naruto.

 _That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life,_ says Kurama. _And I have seen a lot of babies. Some I even saw being born. This is by far the ugliest._

 _Shut up Kurama!_ Says Naruto. _What if Iruka-nii hears you!_

"What did Kurama say?" asks Iruka-nii, with a raised eyebrow.

"How do you know Kurama said something?" asks Naruto, backing away in premature terror.

"By the look on your face," says Iruka. "What did he say?"

 _Tell him, brat!_ Yells Kurama. _Or I'll tell Kokuo to tell Han to say it, and you know he will, and Kokuo will make it worse by the time he does!_

 _Fine!_ Agrees Naruto. "Well, um," he twists his hands together nervously. "Kurama said that Sanma is the ugliest baby he's ever seen, and that includes the ones he saw being born."

Iruka-nii starts radiating killing intent. "Naruto," he says, ice cold. "Let me in your mindscape."

"Kokuo says Kurama is so ####ing dead," reports Han.

 _S###, s###! Hide me, Naruto!_ Panics Kurama.

 _I can't!_ Wines Naruto. _It was nice knowing you, Kurama._ And then Naruto lets Iruka-nii in his mindscape.

"This place is a dump," comments Iruka-nii, looking around with his hands on his hips. "You really need to clean up around here."

"I know, but it takes so much effort!" says Naruto.

"Now, where is Kurama?" demands Iruka-nii, cracking his knuckles.

"He's hiding in his seal," says Naruto. "It's that way."

"TRAITOR!" roars Kurama. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DISTRACT HIM WHILE I HID!"

"In case you haven't noticed," says Iruka, marching straight into the seal and glaring at Kurama. "There is nowhere for you to hide." he crosses his arm, still radiating killing intent. "What's this I hear about you calling my son ugly?"

"He is!" roars Kurama. "Surely even you can see that through your parents' bias!"

Roughly five seconds later, Kurama is suspended above a lake of lava.

"How did you do that?" demands Naruto. "There are no pools of lava in my mindscape!"

"There are now," says Mei-sama, appearing beside Iruka with Sanma still in her arms. "Nobody calls our baby ugly!"

"But he is!" insists Kurama. "You know I'm right!"

"He is cute, though," says Naruto, making a cutting gesture across his throat to tell Kurama to stop insisting on calling Sanma ugly.

"Cute, ugly; who cares!" says Kurama. "He'll probably just grow up to be another good looking human boy who all the girls follow everywhere! I mean, Sasuke looked like a girl when he was a baby, now look at him!"

The pool of lava vanishes. "What?" says Mei-sama. "YOU reckon he'll grow up to be good looking?"

"Yeah, who cares if he's ugly now: like Naruto said, it's a cute-ugly."

"Gaah!" says Sanma, waving his hands at Kurama. Kurama bends down and peers at Sanma. Sanma puts his hand on the giant fox and coos, blowing a bubble out of his mouth.

"Okay, enough of this," says Iruka, making a handsign. They all end up back in the Mizukage's office.

 _That could've gone worse,_ sighs Kurama in relief.

"Why is one of your new members tied up?" Iruka-nii asks, gazing curiously at Roshi.

"Oh, he doesn't want to join," says Naruto. "So who's the new member you found?"

"That would be me," says the boy with the staff. "I am Yagura, the former Fourth Mizukage. I am Isobu's jinchuuriki."

 _He's telling the truth,_ confirms Kurama and curls up to go back to sleep.

"Can Fu hold the baby?" asks Fu, eyes wide with excitement. "Fu has never held a baby."

"Come sit," says Mei, patting the spot beside her. Fu sits and Mei hands her Sanma.

Sanma stares curiously up at Fu for a few seconds then screams, "GAA!" Fu gets such a fright she almost drops him.

Naruto takes Sanma and cuddles him, Sanma blows a snot bubble on Naruto's face.

Utakata takes Sanma while Naruto gets all grossed out and says, "You are a genious baby, making bubbles like that." Sanma pulls Utakata's hair. Utakata yelps in pain.

Han takes the baby and tickles his tummy. Sanma blows spit at Han and starts hiccuping.

Han hands Sanma to Roshi. Sanma immediately starts crying.

Gaara takes Sanma and rocks him. Sanma instantly quiets and snuggles into Gaara's shirt. Then he yawns and falls asleep.

"How did you do that?" whispers Naruto in awe.

"I don't know," says Gaara.

"Who knew Gaara would be good with babies?" says Temari. "But then, no one ever handed him one before, so..."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Called It!**

' _Five Jinchuuriki go on a Road Trip. Shenanigans Ensue' already has over twenty followers! Wow._

 _(Nobody has guessed who won the card game yet.)_

 _(Also, Saiyan Hatake, you didn't need to apologize: I just thought everyone would like to know that we dedicate the first omake to the first commenter as a tradition.)_

Sanma is sitting cross-legged in the middle of Naruto and Hinata's living room floor flicking through an old photo album. Naruto sits down beside Sanma and asks, "Where did you find that?"

"In a drawer," answers Sanma.

"Why were you going through my drawers?" asks Naruto, concerned.

"To see if you have anything I can use for a prank," answers Sanma, flipping over to the next page. He pulls a face. "What ugly baby if that?" he asks. "Ew, gross."

"That's you," Naruto tells the disgusted eight year old.

"Wow," says Sanma. "I never thought I would say this, but the baby pictures my parents have of me are actually really flattering."

"They were taken through the lens of parental bias," says Naruto. "It is a very powerful lens."

"I was such an ugly baby," says Sanma, pulling an 'ugh' face.

"You grew out of it pretty quickly," says Naruto. "I mean, look at you now! You have more fangirls than Sasuke did at your age!"

"Wow," says Sanma. "How did that cinnamon roll get a huge fan club?"

"He was a dark and broody emo with hair like a duck's butt," explains Naruto.

"Wow." Sanma looks surprised.

"Kurama always did think you would grow up to be handsome," continues Naruto. "He was right, even though he mostly said it to stop your parents from trying to kill him."

"You know," says Sanma. "I'm glad I was an ugly baby."

"Why?" asks Naruto, curious.

"No one will ever coo over what a cute baby I was!" laughs Sanma. "They'll all be too busy going 'ew!' and turning the page!"


	9. Damn It Naruto!

Oonoki arrives at the meeting in the Hidden Mist. He is surprised that the Raikage approached the Rain, rather than the other way around. He takes his seat next to young Gaara, who is holding a rather ugly baby.

"Who's baby is that?" asks Oonoki, carefully leaving out any mention that the kid is ugly.

"This is Mei sama's baby," says Gaara. "His name is Sanma."

Ah, so the ugly kid is the Mizukage's then. Oonoki nods and says, "He's not as good looking as my granddaughter was at that age. But she was the most beautiful baby ever. So how have you been, young Gaara?"

"I went on that road trip," says Gaara. "It was fun."

The Raikage arrives and Nagato sama says, "Let's get this meeting underway, shall we?" there is a murmur of consent. "Lord Raikage, please explain to the assembled village leaders why you wish to join the Alliance."

Oonoki looks over at the Hokage, or more correctly the Hyuuga standing behind the Hokage. The Hyuuga is watching the Raikage very carefully.

"Well," says the Raikage. "I feel that peace is the right way to go, and none of you have broken out into open warfare yet, so I think I will give peace a chance too."

They all turn to stare at Nagato who has burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks Gaara curiously.

"It's just that in your letter," Nagato starts gwaffing and holding his sides. "That bit from B said…"

"WHAT BIT FROM B?!" yells the Raikage, slamming his fist on the table. "C, I THOUGH I TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF IT!"

"He just added a note telling us to ignore the above rapping," says Konan, completely straightfaced, as Nagato falls off his chair laughing.

The door bursts open and Naruto charges in. He looks around the room and grins at the other Cloud ninja standing behind the Raikage, the one who is neither of his usual entourage. "Hey! I remember you! You're that guy I ran into in the Land of Rice Paddies!"

"You're the Orange Terror," says the Cloud ninja, going very pale.

The Raikage recoils in terror. "I'LL JOIN YOUR ALLIANCE, JUST KEEP THAT KID AWAY FROM ME!"

"WOW ARE YOU THE RAIKAGE?" Naruto stares wide eyed at Lord A. "THAT'S AWESOME, DATTEBAYO!"

"I WAS RIGHT!" Yells A, pointing at Naruto. "HE'S THE SPAWN OF THE YELLOW FLASH AND THE BLOODY HABANERO!"

Sanma wakes up and starts howling at the top of his lungs. Mei sama takes him from Gaara and quiets him down. "Next person to upset my baby gets their butt kicked," says Mei sama, glaring at the Raikage.

"Let me get this straight," says Tsunade hime. "Lord A, you want to join the Peace movement because you are too scared of Naruto not to join?"

"Um, yes?" The raikage looks VERY embarrassed.

The Hyuuga starts laughing and pats Naruto on the head. "Good boy," he says.

"Why am I not surprised?" says young Gaara. "But I do like the idea of you joining us, because that will unite the Elemental Nations. I do not object to the Cloud joining the Allied Villages and making it the Allied Shinobi Nations."

There is a general chorus of agreement.

"I don't think they should join," says the Grass leader. "The Cloud always double crosses the people it tries to ally with!" he turns to the Hyuuga. "Surely YOU of all people can testify to this, Hiashi sama?"

The Hyuuga glares at the Grass leader. "Reminding me of the time a Cloud ninja tried to kidnap my daughter will not get me to disagree with this alliance! My brother died for this: of course an alliance with the Cloud has my full support!"

"Still…!"

Hiashi turns to the Raikage, ignoring the Grass leader. "Lord Raikage, I trust you treated my brother's body with dignity and respect?"

"Yes, we did," confirms the Raikage. "We do not disrespect our fallen allies or foes."

"Good," says Hiashi. "What did you do with his body?"

"We cremated it."

"What did you do with the ashes?"

"We put them in a jar and put it with the rest of our cremated prisoners," says the Raikage. "I'm guessing you want your brothers remains?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do," says Hiashi. "Consider it the price for joining the alliance."

"Very well," agrees the Raikage. "I will get them and bring them to you personally."

"Good," Hiashi nods firmly.

Nagato sama pulls out the Peace treaty. "Please sign here," he says, handing the Raikage a pen.

"I don't think…!" starts up the Grass leader again.

"No," says Nagato giving the Grass leader a hard look. "You don't think. Or speak. Or object."

"You are right, Kami sama," squeaks the Grass leader, looking terrified.

The Raikage raises his eyebrows at this. "Kami sama?" he asks.

"Yes?" says Nagato. "I am god, what would you like to ask me?"

"WHY are you god?" asks the Raikage.

"Because I have rinnegan and the Hidden Rain worships me," says Nagato, matter-of-factly. "Now, can you hurry up and sign, please?"

The Raikage signs.

"So, what did you want, Naruto?" asks Nagato, turning to the Orange terror.

"Oh, um," Naruto thinks for a bit, trying to remember. "Oh yeah! Do any of you have a place in your country called The Island of Truth, or something like that? A giant toad told me I have to go there to meet the Eight Tails Jinchuriki."

The Raikage looks uncomfortable at this question.

"Lord A," says Konan, picking up on it straight away. "Why does this question make you uncomfortable? Does it have something to do with the fact the Eight Tails' Jinchuriki is your brother?"

"What, really?" Naruto grins at the Raikage. "Your brother is a jinchuuriki too? I'm Kurama's jinchuuriki - he's the ninetails, in case you didn't know - we want to be able to work in perfect harmony, and Giant Gramps Sage said to go to the Island of Truth and meet the Eight Tails."

"The Island of Truth is in the Land of Lighting," says A sama. "There is a room there that provides the perfect conditions for Tailed beasts and their jinchuuriki to meet and get over their differences. B and I went there many years ago so B could learn to harness Gyuki's power, now they are best friends. If I arrange for you to train there with B, will you agree to have a guard that includes Cloud shinobi?"

"The Akatsuki has responsibility to protect the jinchuuriki and bijuu," says Nagato. "But since there are no members of Akatsuki from the Cloud, it would be best to provide an additional guard from the Cloud."

"If you do that," says Tsunade hime. "I want to send a team of Leaf ninjas as well to balance things out."

"There is no need for a full team," says Nagato. "Akatsuki works in pairs, so if the Cloud provides one carefully selected guard and the Leaf provides one, then there will be a full team of four."

"That seems fair," says Tsunade hime, nodding. "The guards are just for show anyway, since Naruto can take anyone and anything."


	10. Standard Procedure

As the meeting breaks up, Hiashi stops Naruto. "Is Fu of the Hidden Waterfall here?" he asks.

"Yeah, why?" says Naruto, looking a little confused.

"Take me to her," orders Hiashi.

"Um, okay," agrees Naruto, a little reluctantly. He leads Hiashi to where the rest of the JUC is playing a board game that looks suspiciously like Snakes and Ladders. There is only one girl there, and Hiashi guesses that she is Fu.

The girl jumps up and shouts, "FU WON! Fu gets to throw a shaving cream pie at Roshi san!"

"What is going on here?" asks Hiashi.

"Oh, we were just playing Snakes and Ladders," says Naruto. "The winner of each round gets to throw a shaving cream pie at Roshi."

"Why, what did Roshi do?" asks Hiashi, frowning. He wonders if his kids would enjoy throwing shaving cream pies at their grandfather.

"Roshi broke the club rule stating that you must always refer to your bijuu by their name," says Naruto. "We gave him three warnings, but he insisted on breaking the rule. This is standard club punishement. It will not stop until Roshi repents and calls Son Goku by his name."

Fu grabs a pie from the pile of pre-prepared stack of shaving cream pies. She throws it hard and true, sending it into Roshi's face with a _smack_. Roshi is currently tied to a chair with a scowl on his face and the remains of three other shaving cream pies on his face and body.

 _Fu seems like a nice girl,_ thinks Hiashi approvingly. _And a good kunoichi, too_.

Gaara appears and sits down with the other JUC members. "Has he relented yet?" Gaara asks. "I have not had a go at throwing a pie at him yet."

Roshi just glares at the rest of the JUC.

"Well I guess that means we can have another game of Snakes and Ladders!" says Naruto, sliding down next to the board. "I'm the orange piece! Oh, yeah, Fu; Hiashi sama wants to talk to you about something."

"Hiashi sama?" Fu asks, looking at Hiashi curiously.

"Hello Fu," says Hiashi. "I have a letter here for you. It is from my nephew Neji."

"You are Neji's uncle?" says Fu, bounding forward and grabbing Hiashi's hand. "Neji saved Fu! Neji is amazing! Will you be Fu's friend?"

Hiashi considers the hopeful girl for a moment then says, "Yes, and you have my permission to date my nephew." He hands Fu the letter.

Fu takes the letter and reads it, then blushes in a way that is worthy of a Hyuuga.

"What does it say, 'ttebayo?" asks Naruto.

"Neji wants to go on a date with Fu," says Fu. "Neji likes Fu too."

"See, I told you!" says Naruto.

"Hush Naruto, or I'll make my father chaperone your next date with Hinata," says Hiashi, not that he would put Hinata through that, but it shut up Naruto. Hiashi turns to Fu. "Now, Fu, do you accept Neji's invitation?"

"Yes!" say Fu, hugging the letter to her chest.

"Then could you come with me back to the Hidden Leaf for this date after I have gotten what the Raikage promised me in the meeting?"

"Fu will need permission from her village leader," says Fu.

"Then go ask him," says Hiashi. "He's here for the meeting."

"Okay!" Fu runs off to find her village leader. Hiashi follows at a more sedate pace to make sure Fu get permission to go to the Leaf to meet Neji.

Hiashi catches up to Fu only to find her close to tears as the young leader of the Hidden Waterfall explains to her why she cannot go to the Leaf. Something about her being away too long, or whatever.

"Shibuki sama, might I have a word?" says Hiashi.

The young leader of the Hidden Waterfall turns to look at Hiashi. "Yes?" he asks.

"My sources tell me you know the Leaf village's Team Seven?"

"Um, yes, they saved my village," says Shibuki. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, how would you like a chance to see the Hidden Leaf and catch up with Team Seven?" says Hiashi. "I will, of course, host you myself."

"What's the catch?" asks Shibuki suspiciously.

"Fu comes to the Leaf too," says Hiashi.

Fu smiles at Hiashi in excitement.

Shibuki considers this for a few moments. He looks very tempted.

"It will only be for a few days, and I will personally lead your escort home," says Hiashi.

"Alright," says Shibuki. "I suppose that arrangement will be okay."

"YAY!" Fu jumps into the air in excitement. "Fu is going on a DATE!"

"WHAT? You never said anything about a date!" says Shibuki, looking for all the world like he is about to panic. "Who with?"

"My nephew," says Hiashi.

Nagato smiles happily at the Raikage. "So do you think you will be able to take Naruto to the Island of truth on your way back, then?"

"Yes," says A. "But that means their guards will need to be people we brought with us. Motoi," he addresses the Cloud ninja who identified Naruto as the Orange Terror. "You are going to be part of the guard detail."

"Yes, lord Raikage!" Motoi doesn't seem overly happy about that, though.

"I'll stand in for the Leaf," volunteers Asuma, the other guard that Tsunade brought. "My team will be fine under Shikamaru's watch for a while."

"So that just leaves the Akatsuki members," says Nagato. "Luckily, Hidan and Kakazu are nearby. Kakazu smelled money and came to collect a bounty."

"Right," says A, nodding. "We can leave as soon as they get here."

"Just one question," says Nagato. "How much are we going to pay the protection detail?"

"Ah well, that is a good question." A considers this for a few minutes. "I guess standard fees for an A Rank will do."

"Make that the highest standard A rank fees," says Tsunade. "We need to keep Kakazu happy and paid."

"Did somebody say something about paying me?" asks Kakazu, appearing in the room with Hidan under his arm.

"Yes," says Nagato. "You and Hidan are to partner with Motoi and Asuma - no collecting bounties! - and guard Naruto and Killer B while they train at the Waterfall of Truth. Put Hidan down before he tries to sacrifice you to Jashin."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Steve Irwin.**

 _We have reached the 30 followers and the 30 reviews mark! (And still no one has guessed who won that card game. Hopefully the next challenge will prove easier.)_

When Sakura decided to throw a birthday party, she did not take into consideration just how stupid her teammates are.

She invited all the other genin from her graduating class, namely teams ten and eight, and she also invited Team Gai, Shin, Sai and the Sand Siblings. And Fu. Mustn't forget Fu. After all she is in the corner over there chatting with Neji a little too happily.

The party is a dress-up party, but not everyone came in good costumes. Lee insists he is dressed up, but since he dressed up as Gai-sensei, he might as well have not bothered. Naruto for once actually came in sensible clothing. He is dressed as a pirate, and despite the fact that Kurama is sitting on Naruto's shoulder pretending to be his parrot, Naruto doesn't look outrageous.

Before Fu turned up, Neji had looked as miserable as a wet cat. The reason being that Tenten and Hinata forced him into a Kimono and turned him into a prettier geisha girl than Sakura has ever seen before.

Tenten is dressed up as Lady Tsunade; she even found an over-sized bra and stuffed it to bursting to make her chest look bigger.

Ino dressed up as Sailor Moon, and Sakura is surprised by how well the outfit works.

But it is Sasuke who really stands out.

He is dressed entirely in red, and has dyed his hair leaf-green.

When Sakura asked him what he was supposed to be, he answered, "I'm a tomato, obviously."

 _AN: Omake dedication for the person who figures out what Sakura dressed up as. (If no one gets this I am going to face-wall.)_


	11. Parenting: You're Doing it Right

Jiraiya is busy doing research - and what lovely specimens he has found today - when a messenger bird arrives from Tsunade. Reluctantly, Jiraiya stops researching and opens the message.

 _Hey Jiraiya: the Cloud signed on for the peace movement because the Raikage is scared by Naruto's reputation. I've sent Naruto to the Land of Lightning to train on the Island of Truth with the Eight Tails' Jinchuriki, Killer B. They are to be guarded by Asuma, Hidan, Kakuzu and Motoi if the Cloud. Naruto will be training to properly harness the Nine Tails' chakra. In the meantime, the other members of the JUC will return to their villages until further notice. If you wish to oversee Naruto's training with the Kyuubi, then get your ass to the Land of Lightning. -Tsunade._

Jiraiya sighs. Why did Tsunade send Naruto off without consulting him first? Naruto cannot do THAT training without the key to open the Kyuubi's seal. Jiraiya had better get himself over there, and fast.

Itachi and Sasuke make their way back to Konoha, Sasuke sulking the whole way. He does not appreciate being taken from his training in the Rain, however it is necessary. Itachi wishes there was another way, but at the moment, the best they can do is order Sasuke to go home for a holiday. Until the problem with Karin and Suigetsu is solved, Sasuke must be kept well away from team Taka in case he learns things Father did not want him to learn. Best to get Sasuke out of there before things get out of hand, Itachi reflects.

As they are approaching the Hidden Leaf Village, Itachi sees Tsunade, Hiashi, Fu and a young man wearing a Hidden Waterfall headband approaching himself and Sasuke from the direction of the Hidden Mist.

"HI ITACHI! HI SASUKE!" Fu hollers, waving to them.

"Hn!" says Sasuke, waving.

"Hello," says Itachi.

"Hello Sasuke," says the young man from the Waterfall.

"Oh, hi Shibuki," says Sasuke. "This is my brother, Itachi. Itachi, this wimp is the leader of the Hidden Waterfall."

"How do you two know each other, anyway?" asks Fu.

"Well," says Shibuki. "Team Seven acted as my escort about a year ago. I convinced them to stay to help some kids clean the river, but Kakashi left, leaving just Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto. Then some rogue ninjas turned up and Sasuke fought them off. Then we went to the village, but it was empty, so I thought that there were more rogue ninjas around and tried to hide. Sasuke grabbed me by the collar and yelled at Naruto to go into prank mode. Naruto pranked the rogue ninjas, using all sorts of things; including four paperclips, a teaspoon and a postage stamp. Then we freed the captured villagers. Then another rogue turned up with Sakura and the kids whose mum got injured, and Naruto pranked that guy as well. Then they left."

"Wow, when did that happen?" asks Fu. "Fu does NOT remember this."

"You were taking a nap at the time," says Shibuki. "You slept through the whole thing."

They continue on to the village together. Sakura and Neji are waiting at the gates. Fu runs at Neji and knocks him over with a more enthusiastic hug than Naruto is known to give.

"Neji, Fu missed you!" says Fu, still hugging Neji, who looks as if he is suffering from oxygen deprivation.

"Can't breathe!" gasps out Neji.

Fu lets him go. "Sorry," she says, shyly.

"I missed you too," says Neji blushing.

"So will Neji show Fu around the Leaf Village?" asks Fu, grabbing Neji's hand.

"Not without a chaperone," says Hiashi.

"Why do they need a chaperone, Hiashi sama?" asks Itachi, amused.

Hiashi gives Itachi a withering glare. "Because kids shouldn't go on dates unsupervised."

Itachi nods. "Unchaperoned kids are the exact reason I had to take Sasuke away from Team Taka."

"So you understand where I'm coming from?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"What do you mean?" asks Sasuke. "What could kids possibly get up to on a date if they aren't chaperoned?"

"Don't you know about-" that is as far as Shibuki gets before he finds Itachi's hand clamped over his mouth and a pair of glowing red mangekyou sharingan peering into his eyes.

"Don't you dare," says Itachi.

Terrified, Shibuki nods.

Sasuke looks incredibly confused.

"So, Fu," says Neji, shyly. "Do you like soup? There's this great soup kitchen called 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER'. Um, do you wanna go there?"

"Yes," says Fu, blushing and gripping Neji's hand tighter.

"Not without me, you're not," says Hiashi, crossing his arms.

"Go easy on them, Hiashi," says Tsunade sama.

"I am," says Hiashi.

"Yeah, have you seen how he acts around Naruto and Hinata?" sniggers Sakura. "He doesn't even let them stand too close together."

"Um… what am I supposed to do?" asks Shibuki.

"You are coming with me," says Tsunade. "I need to give you a rundown on things you absolutely NEVER do in the Leaf if you want to have a safe visit." she drags Shibuki off by his collar.

Hiashi escorts Neji and Fu to the soup kitchen.

"So, how was your training trip, Sasuke?" asks Sakura. "I see you awakened a rinnegan."

"Hn," says Sasuke.

"Ah, I see," says Sakura, nodding.

"Hn?" asks Sasuke.

"I've almost mastered the 100 healings," says Sakura. "Tsunade shisou says that my stamina is helping accelerate the process. I should have it down by the next chunin exam."

"Hn," says Sasuke, looking impressed.

"Soon we'll be able to go toe-to-toe with full on prank mode Naruto and win," says Sakura, grinning.

Sasuke grins back.

Itachi's Potential Future Girlfriend for Sasuke! warning bells start ringing loudly.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Last. Well, Not anymore.**

 _Dedicated to the people who guessed correctly what Sakura dressed up as: Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. (Seriously, why else would I call the omake that?) Those people are:_ _ **Saiyan Hatake, The Keeper of Worlds** and **Twisted PxL.**_ _(Next omake you find out who won that card game, because someone actually guessed it right!)_

Hiashi Hyuuga faces off against the interloper from the moon, wondering if the youngster will even pose a threat. "What do you want?" Hiashi demands.

"Your daughter's hand in marriage," says the boy from the moon.

"Hanabi is too young for marriage," says Hiashi.

"I meant the older one!" snaps the boy.

"She's already engaged to Naruto!"

"Who is this 'Naruto'?" demands the boy from the moon.

Seeing a golden opportunity, Hiashi stands down and says, "I can take you to meet him if you wish."

The moon boy considers this proposition. "Very well, I shall ask him to give Hinata to me," he says, nodding.

Hiashi smiles to himself. The moon boy is SOOO getting the Naruto treatment.

"So why do you want to steal Hinata off me?" asks Naruto reasonably, folding his hands beneath his chin in a mock-serious manner.

"Well, I'm the only person left on the moon…" Toneri begins to explain.

"You must be so lonely!" interrupts Naruto sympathetically. "I know!" he grins. "Instead of stealing my girlfriend, we'll help you find your own!" Naruto grabs Toneri by the arm and drags him down to the Hokage tower. "Kakashi-sensei!" hollars Naruto as he crashes into the Hokage office where Kakashi-sensei is bribing Yamato to do his paperwork for him. "This poor, lonely guy is living on the moon all by himself! Let's get some people to live on the moon with him!"

The next day an advert appears all over the Elemental Nations. It reads Thus: _Tired of the crazy Shinobi world? Try your chances on the moon! There is no fee to move and transport costs nothing! All you have to do is sign up with your nearest Kage by the 1st of October and prepare to move to the moon! If you don't like it there, you are welcome to come back! So try living on the moon! No need to build houses: just repair them! Everyone welcome!_

On the first of October, about 500 people gather from all over the Shinobi world to take the portal to the moon and begin their new lives. Most are wandering tribes, orphans or homeless people. There are a few who are simply sick of the Senju Stupid along with a few Hyuugas who have had enough of the Leaf and their clan.


	12. A Beautiful Friendship is Born

"Hey, look!" Naruto points at a small flurry of dust and leaves headed towards the Raikage, himself and their guards. "Here comes Pervy Sage."

Pervy Sage arrives in an irritated fluster. He hits Naruto over the head and scolds, "Don't you realize you can't do this training without the key to open your seal, you nitwit! Surely even that blasted Kurama would have realized that!"

"Well Kurama's smarter than you!" yells Naruto.

 _I didn't know there was a key,_ says Kurama.

"He didn't even know there was a key!" Naruto relays the message. "Where is it, anyway?"

"It's with one of the toads!" says Jiraiya, calm again. "I'll summon it once we get to this Island of Truth place. And no, you can't have it now. I need to supervise this training, incase you lose control of Kurama's power."

 _He's right,_ says Kurama. _We can't afford to NOT have him there._

 _Oh, right._ Aloud, Naruto says, "That's okay, right, A sama? Kurama says we need Pervy Sage for the training anyway."

"Sure, that's fine," A growls, crossing his arms. "You arrived just in time, Jiraiya. We are almost at our destination."

"Cool!" Naruto punches the air.

Killer B arrives on the Island of Truth and settles down to wait for A. A didn't tell him what he was going to be doing, but B doesn't care, so long as it gets him out of the village for once.

After a while, A appears with an entourage. "B!" He hollars. "Got some people here, and you will be in charge of looking after them!" He gets right up in B's face. "Don't do anything stupid! And NO throwing a rap concert!"

"Sure, bro," says B, not daring to rap. "Who are these bros?"

"This one," he points to a boy in a fashionable white and orange out fit, "Is the Orange Terror."

B starts laughing. A brought the Orange Terror himself to the Island of Truth! But why? "So why did you bring the kid here?" he asks.

"Me and Kurama are here to train with you and Gyuki!" says the Orange Terror. "And to recruit you for the JUC."

 _My angry brother gave his name?_ Says Gyuki in utter disbelief. _And why did he tell the kid mine?_

 _Dunno, I'll ask!_ Says B, still not daring to rap, even in his own mindscape. "So, how did you get your tailed beast to give his name?" he asks the kid.

"Oh, I asked him," says the Orange Terror. "He's nice. And a real big softy, which is why he acts all tough." the kid grins. "And before you ask, the JUC is the Jinchuuriki United Club. We have everyone except Matatabi and her jinchuuriki, and of course, you and Gyuki."

Gyuki is gobsmacked. He face palms and says, _Dammit, Kurama!_

 _So which one is Kurama?_ B asks.

 _Nine Tails,_ says Gyuki.

"Roshi is still resisting," continues the kid. "Even though Son Goku loves the JUC. Membership is compulsory for all jinchuuriki and their tailed beasts. Failure to refer to your tailed beast by their name is punished by having shaving cream pies thrown in your face until you apologize to the Club and your tailed beast. Unfortunately, we haven't stopped throwing pies at Roshi since he joined. All members are required to wear this uniform, of course the shirt and trimmings are in the colour of your choice. Mine is orange. No one is allowed the same colour as anyone else. What colour would you like? We need to get your measurements and send an order to the Rain for your uniform. You can wear it with whatever you want, you just have to wear it-"

"Okay, that's enough," the guy with the long white hair claps his hand over the kid's mouth. "I'm Jiraiya, and this is Naruto. These four are going to be our mandatory guards while we train Naruto."

"Cool," says B. "So what's the punishment for not wearing the uniform?"

Naruto pulls Jiraiya's hand off his mouth and says, "You get forced to wear pink full body spandex tights and handed over to Ibiki and Anko who get to do whatever they want with you. You do NOT want to know what they did to Roshi."

A just stares in shock.

"I think we should go now, A sama," says C. He guides A away, and D follows, leaving B with the mismatched group of crazy people.

B surveys the group and raps, "I am killer B, yo. There's only one of you I already know. So let's exchange names and-"

"Enough rapping," says the tall man with the Waterfall headband. "You aren't good enough to make money off that. I am Kakazu of the Hidden Waterfall."

"I am Hidan," says the guy with the scythe. "Would you be interested in hearing about Lord Jashin?"

"Maybe later," says B. "And you with the cigarette?"

"I'm Asuma," says the guy who looks kinda like a monkey.

"We're here to guard you while you train," says the fourth guard, B's friend Motoi.

 _Better use this opportunity to find out why Motoi keeps avoiding me,_ B tells Gyuki.

 _Train the kid first!_ Orders Gyuki.

"Okay, Naruto," raps B. "Are you ready to train? We'll work so hard you hurt your brain!"

"YES!" Naruto grins, clenching his fists in happiness. "Me and Kurama can't be awesome fighting buddies with the stupid seal in the way!"

"Then come with me!" says B. "The first stage of training is waiting for you!"

"I'd better come along," says Jiraiya.

"What do we do?" asks Hidan. "There's no one here I can sacrifice, so…"

"Do you play shogi?" asks Asuma. "I also have some sake for us to share around."

"Yes, I do," says Hidan. "It's been awhile since I had a challenging opponent. And most of Akatsuki cheat or just don't play at all."

"Cool," says Asuma. "I'll get out my shogi board."


	13. The Truth Behind the Truth

Naruto follows B to a waterfall. "This is the Waterfall of Truth," says B. "the island is named after it. All you have to do is sit under it and close your eyes. Then you will meet yourself."

"Myself?" asks Naruto confused. "How will I meet myself?"

"You will meet your true self," says B. "All the darkness in your heart will manifest into the form of you. You must defeat the darkness inside you before you can face the darkness in your tailed beast."

 _He's right, Naruto,_ says Kurama. _My chakra is so full of darkness even the lighter half of me is darker than the darkest part of you. You need to conquer your own darkness before even attempting this training or my chakra will swallow you up, the seal will break, I will be free, but you will be dead._

"Oh, I get it," says Naruto, nodding. He walks over to the Waterfall and sits down, closing his eyes.

 _I can't help you with this one, Naruto,_ says Kurama, and goes to sleep.

When Naruto opens his eyes again, a figure steps towards him out of the waterfall. "So, are you gonna pretend like you're the greatest forever?" asks the Other Naruto, who looks just like Naruto, but for his black eyes. "Bringing all the jinchuuriki together so you aren't alone! The way you force Roshi to join the JUC against his will is just so satisfying isn't it?" Other Naruto continues. "You finally have someone you can take out all your frustration on, and he's a jinchuuriki just like you! YOU can't hide your feelings from ME, because I am you!" Other Naruto grins evilly. "I can see that you resent Iruka for leaving the Leaf. You pretend like you're happy for him, but you hate him for leaving you alone-"

"SHUT UP!" Naruto screams, not wanting to hear the truth.

Truth.

This is why it's called the Waterfall of Truth; you have to face the truth about yourself. _What is the truth?_ Wonders Naruto. He remembers his past; his life; his friends; thinks of the parents he never met; the godfather he only met a short while ago; he thinks of the JUC, the Akatsuki, and the Allied Shinobi Nations; he thinks of Iruka-niisan's wedding, Mei-sama and baby Sanma; he thinks of Hinata; he thinks of Kurama; and he wonders what all their lives would be like if he had never found the S Rank File Archive. _Where would we all be now, if I hadn't discovered the truth? We would all be alone,_ he realizes. _Just like we were before. Just like we always will be. Maybe I would never have met the other jinchuuriki. Maybe I should ask B to do this training with them, too._ Naruto smiles. "I need time to think about what you've said," says Naruto. "I'll be back soon. Then we can really talk!" he grins and leaves the genjutsu.

"So how did it go?" asks Pervy Sage.

"I need time to think about what Other Naruto said," Naruto tells him. "Let's go see what the others are doing." they head over to where Asuma has set up his shogi board and is playing against Hidan. Motoi and Kakuzu are watching with rapt attention.

B drapes an arm around Motoi's shoulders and says, "Wassup, my bro?"

Motoi looks ashamed and tries to pull away.

"What's wrong, Motoi?" asks Naruto. "Why don't you wanna talk to B san?"

"Yeah, why you been avoiding me bro?" raps B. "We're best friends you know!"

"Best friends?" Motoi finally manages to break free of B's hug. "You really think that, after… After I tried to kill you!"

B looks confused. "I don't remember that," he says. "I just remember how we were the best of friend you and me, we still are, far as I'm concerned, don't ya see?"

Motoi just stares.

Killer B holds out his fist and grins.

Slowly, Motoi raises his own fist and bumps it against B's. Then he grins too.

"I win," says Hidan, moving his bishop and taking Asuma's queen.

While everyone else is distracted, Naruto goes back to the waterfall. It's time to face himself. He sits down and waits for the Other Naruto.

The Other, evil Naruto appears. "Are you ready to face the truth?" he sneers. "You KNOW I'm right about everything!"

"I guess so," says Naruto.

Other Naruto smiles evilly.

"But you're missing the rest of the picture," Naruto continues. "Yes, it's sad that Iruka-niisan moved away, and it was hard to begin with, but the Mist isn't really that far away. Besides," Naruto grins. "Iruka-niisan has Mei-oneesama now, and they're happy!. And they have a baby, and he's my godson. How could I resent that?" He smiles sadly at Other Naruto, who is staring at him like he's lost his wits. "And as for Roshi," Naruto continues. "All I want is for him to realize that Son is a person too, and has feelings-"

"BUT YOU HATE HAVING KURAMA INSIDE YOU!" yells Other Naruto angrily.

"I HATE THAT HE IS NOT FREE!" Naruto yells back. "I hate that the Tailed Beasts are treated like monsters! They are people, with feelings and hopes and dreams! I want them to be free, and I want them to be friends with their jinchuuriki, because that's the closest they'll get to freedom until we die! They are a family," he continues. "Of brothers and sisters; why shouldn't we all join together and make an even bigger family!" he smiles encouragingly at Other Naruto.

"But how could you care so much about the monster who caused us so much pain!" screams Other Naruto, tears streaming down his face. "How can you care about people who don't even like you! WHY?"

"Because of you," says Naruto.

"Wha-?"

"It's because of you that I can understand their pain, it's because of you that I can smile when I am sad, and care about the people who hate me. It's because of you that I can make peace with the people I hate. And it's because of you that I understand myself now," finishes Naruto smiling and stepping forward. He hugs Other Naruto, who is still in shock. "Thank you," he says.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Girls Only Training Trip.**

 _This omake is dedicated to_ _ **Saiyan Hatake**_ _(seriously, this guy steals all the dedications!) for correctly guessing who won that game of Go Fish. It was Shin._

Karin and Konan are training on the beach in a picturesque country town in a foreign land. The beach doesn't have all that many people on it, which surprises Konan, because it really is a beautiful beach. The people don't seem too concerned about Konan and Karin's shinobi training.

"I'm hungry," says Karin. "Can we stop for lunch now?"

"Okay," agrees Konan. "But how are we gonna get food if we can't understand the local language?"

After putting their heads together, Konan and Karin come up with a new jutsu. "Translation no jutsu!" they activate their new jutsu.

"I wonder if it worked?" says Karin. "I'll go find out." she walks over to a nearby group of kids. "What are you up to?" she asks them.

"Nothin' much, you?" says one of the girls.

"Um, I wanna know where I can get some lunch?" asks Karin.

"Just go to the dairy, oi," says one of the boys. "There's one just up the road."

The kids go back to digging in the sand. They appear to be trying to bury the oldest of the group.

"What are you waiting for, bro?" asks the half-buried kid. "The kai ain't gonna come to you."

Karin walks back to Konan. "The jutsu worked, but I don't get most of what they mean."

"Ah, I see," says Konan. "I think we should follow that road and see what we find." The two of them head up the beach, through the carpark and up the road to where a small shop is sitting within easy walking distance of the beach, but far enough away that you had to put clothes on to go in. (Not that anyone ever bothered to follow that rule, since it's too much effort to change out of your togs just to go to the dairy, then get changed again to go back to the beach, and since the shopkeeper is chill as, he doesn't care. (Just make sure you take your towel, or your mum's, otherwise you'll get cold).)

Outside the shop is a sign that reads: "L&P: world famous in New Zealand since ages ago".

"We should get some of that," says Konan. "It must be a national drink." So they get some L&P with their steak and Kumara pies, using the local currency, which they had acquired when they first arrived. And they go back to the beach to have a picnic lunch.

Once Konan is finished her bottle of L&P, she stands up and starts walking away from the beach with a determined look on her face.

"Sensei, where are you going?" asks Karin, scrambling to her feet and following her sensei.

"OI!" yells one of the nearby kids. "Put your rubbish in the bin!"

Karin gathers up their pie wrappers and empty L&P bottles and dumps them in the nearby rubbish bin. Then she runs after Konan. "Where are you going?" she asks again when she catches up.

"To get a permanent supply of L&P," answers Konan.

 **AN:** _to find out a bit more about L &P, go to YouTube and look up "L&P - Nothing much" and watch the first video that comes up. Then put "_ _L &P Stubbies Ad (NZ)" in the search bar and click the first video - don't be dissuaded by the thumbnail._


	14. What the Toad Elder Ment

Jiraiya glances around to see that Naruto has disappeared. He heads back to the waterfall, thinking that Naruto probably went back while everyone was distracted. Sure enough, Naruto is sitting beneath the waterfall.

B arrives, and says, "He wanted to be alone for this."

Jiraiya nods.

Naruto stands up and turns to see B and Jiraiya watching him. There is a sad look on his face, but at the same time he seems happy.

"By the look in your eye, I'd say you did it?" asks B, grinning.

"Yeah," says Naruto. "So when can we do the next stage of training?"

"We can start right now!" says B. "Just follow me and I'll show you how! Yeah!"

"Awesome!" says Naruto.

"Do you have the key for your seal?" asks B. "We can't proceed without it."

"I have the key," says Jiraiya. "That's why I need to be here."

"Right," says B. "Let's do this!" he leads them behind the waterfall, into a room full of headless statues. "See these statues?" he asks Naruto.

"Yeah?" Naruto looks around curiously.

"For many generations, jinchuriki have been coming here to train," says B. "These statues are the ones who failed the training."

"WOAH!" Naruto recoils from the statues.

"In here," says B, pointing to a small, shoulder high opening. "Is the true test. You have to put your head in there. If you are worthy, the door will open. If you are not worthy, your head will be cut off and you will turn into a statue!"

"Oh, is that why I had to do the waterfall training first?" asks Naruto.

"Yes, now stick your head in there!"

"Are you sure it's safe?" asks Jiraiya as Naruto sticks his whole upper body in the opening.

Then Naruto screams and pulls out of the hole, his head missing.

Jiraiya panics. "JUST HOLD STILL NARUTO! I'M SURE WE CAN REATTACH IT!" he tries to get at the opening to pull out Naruto's head.

Then he hears laughter. "You fell for it!" Naruto says, releasing the transformation jutsu. "You should see your face! You're all like: WAHH!" he adopts an overly dramatic panicked expression.

"You were gonna try and reattach his head!" laughs B.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" demands Jiraiya, waving his arms about.

"There was just a switch in there!" laughs Naruto.

"The statues are just broken," adds B. "And I did exactly the same thing as Naruto when I first came here! You should've seen A's face!"

"Haha, you two are hilarious," says Jiraiya as sarcastically as he can.

Still giggling, B leads Jiraiya and Naruto into the room the switch opened up. The room is white inside, and it is hard to tell where the floor ends and the walls begin. "Jiraiya, I need you to give the key to Naruto," says B, once they are inside.

Jiraiya summons the toad responsible for the key and transfers it over to Naruto. Naruto does not like having to swallow the toad whole, but it is necessary.

Now that everything is ready, b and Naruto sit down and enter Naruto's mindscape. Jiraiya doesn't have much to do now, so he just waits.

Inside his mindscape, Naruto looks around for B. "You here, Octopops?" he calls.

"I'm here, but not really," says B. "This is as far as I can go for now. You won't see me, or Gyuki, so don't bother looking."

"Right!" Naruto nods. "Sup, Kurama!"

Kurama wakes from his nap. "Is it time for the training now?" he asks sleepily. "Oh, hey, Gyuki."

"Hi Kurama," says a deep voice, which Naruto guesses belongs to Gyuki. "You're being uncharacteristically nice to this kid."

"You can talk!" laughs Kurama. "You're actually letting your jinchuuriki sit on your head!"

"Hey can I sit on your head, Kurama?" asks Naruto, hopefully.

"I'll think about it," says Kurama. "Let's get this training done."

"Right," says B's disembodied voice. "Naruto, you need to open up the seal and pull out Kurama's chakra, without letting any of his will come out with it. I won't be able to help you with any of it; are you okay on your own?"

"I got it, Octopops!" says Naruto. "And I'm not alone, Kurama is here!"

"I'll leave you two to it, then," says B and his presence fades out of Naruto's mindscape.

"So how is this going to work?" asks Naruto, as he pulls the tag off the seal and unlocks the gates.

"You try to pull out my chakra and I try to stop my will from going along with it," says Kurama. "It will be equally hard for the both of us."

"Okay," says Naruto throwing open the gates. "How do I grab your chakra, anyway?"

"With your chakra," says Kurama.

"Oh, right." Under Kurama's guidance, Naruto forms a chakra ghost of himself and grabs Kurama's chakra with it. He pulls it away, and Kurama strains against Naruto's pulling.

"Watch out!" Kurama roars. "My will is coming down to consume you! This is painful for me, so I can't stop it!"

Naruto sees a mass of red flow down the bluish colour of Kurama's chakra. He braces for impact. "What do I do?" he asks.

"Send it back to me!" orders Kurama.

"I can't! It's too strong!" Naruto struggles to hold his own against the mass of hatred and fear that is enveloping him.

"Keep trying!" roars Kurama, desperately trying to retract his will.

Kurama's will envelops Naruto completely, and just as he is about to be consumed, Naruto sees a flash of yellow and a flash of red.

"It's okay, Naruto," says a woman's voice.

"We're here to help you," says a man's voice.

Two people appear before Naruto, one with long red hair and one with spiky blonde hair. Naruto has only ever seen pictures of these two.

"Mum…" he chokes out. "Dad..!"

Kurama's will halts in its tracks.


	15. Fixing Things That Needed Fixing

Enough is enough, Jugo decides, and heads off to find Kisame san.

"What's up, Jugo?" asks Kisame when he sees Jugo.

"Do something about Suigetsu and Karin before they end up with a kid," says Jugo. "Itachi sensei already took Sasuke well away from here because of their overly intimate encounters. Nagato and Konan have not managed to do anything. Karin and Suigetsu will not listen to them. But YOU can get them to listen to you."

Kisame sighs in frustration. "Nagato sama said he would fix this!" he growls. "She is his kid, after all." he stands. "Take me to them."

Jugo leads Kisame to where Suigetsu and Karin are cuddling in front of the TV. The poor TV, having to see that.

Kisame strides forward and pulls the pair of hormonal teenagers apart. "Now listen to me, you two," he growls. "If you don't stop this frivolous behaviour right now I will take you, Suigetsu, to an undisclosed location until you are eighteen. Am I understood?"

"Yes sensei," says Suigetsu, fixing up his shirt.

"Fine," agrees Karin, straightening her glasses.

"Jugo," says Kisame.

"Yes?" answers Jugo.

"If they start this behaviour up again, you have my permission to go all Rage Mode on them," says Kisame.

"Thank you, Kisame san," says Jugo, grinning.

All is calm and quiet in the Hyuuga compound. Fu and Shibuki left the previous day after a very noisy visit. The Hyuuga clan as a collective group seemed to take a shine to Fu straight away. The only exceptions to that are Hanabi and her grandfather. They refused to even speak to Fu, no matter how hard she tried to befriend them.

Hiashi walks through the quiet compound, contemplating Fu, or more specifically his clan's reaction to the girl. How would they all react if Neji actually married the girl? How would the Waterfall feel about losing their jinchuuriki to the Hyuuga clan? Or would it be the Hyuuga clan who lost Neji to the Waterfall? Hiashi sighs. It is a bit too soon to be thinking about that, he scolds himself.

"Lord Hiashi!"

Hiashi turns to see a young clansman running towards him, a look of shock on his face. "What is it?" he asks the flustered young man.

"The...Raikage is here!" pants the young man, skidding to a stop. "He wants to...to see you!"

"Ah, I have been expecting him," says Hiashi. "I will meet him in my office. Escort him there, please." He shunshins away before the youngster can protest.

Hiashi appears next to Neji, who jumps in fright. "U-uncle Hiashi!"

"Now don't you start stuttering as well!" orders Hiashi, glaring at his kid. Well, adopted kid that used to belong to his brother, but still.

"Yes Uncle!" Neji is still a little frightened of him, which is not good. The Parenting Book Hiashi got from the mail order catalogue he nicked from the mission office said that your children should not be afraid of you. (He still needs to return that catalogue.)

"Come with me," says Hiashi. "There is someone you need to meet."

"Yes Uncle," says Neji, putting down the scroll he is studying and standing up. Hiashi leads Neji to his office where the Raikage is waiting for them.

"Lord Raikage," greets Hiashi. "This is my nephew Neji."

Neji bows and says, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Lord Raikage."

The Raikage looks at Neji a little oddly and says, "Hi." then he turns back to Hiashi. "I brought what you requested," he says, holding out a small earthenware jar labeled 'Hizashi Hyuuga'.

"Give it to Neji," orders Hiashi.

Lord A hands the jar to Neji, who holds it carefully in both hands and tries not to cry. "That's all I came for, so I'll leave now," says the Raikage, and disappears.

Neji's tears finally start to fall, hitting the jar that holds what is left of his father. Neji starts outright sobbing and Hiashi pulls him into a hug. Neji hold the jar to his chest and howls into Hiashi's chest.

Much later that afternoon, the Hyuuga clan gathers to bury the jar of Hiashi's ashes with the rest of their deceased clansmen. Neji has stopped crying now, but he sticks close to Hiashi throughout the entire ceremony.

Once Hiashi is laid to rest with his ancestors, the Hyuuga clan solemnly goes back to the usual clan business.

Hiashi's father approached him, an odd look on his face. The odd part being that he actually has an expression on his face that isn't disapproval.

"How did you convince the Cloud to give Hizashi's remains back to us?" he demands.

"I asked nicely," says Hiashi, stiffly. "And the Raikage kindly agreed."

"You could have caused a war!" accuses his father.

"Actually," says Hiashi. "You can thank Naruto for this. If the Raikage were not so scared by the Orange Terror's reputation, I doubt he would have agreed to give my brother back so easily."

"What do you mean, 'easily'?" demands his father.

"I mean that Lord A asked me if I wanted my brother back," says Hiashi smugly, careful to leave out the details of what lead to the question. "And I told him yes, as a matter of fact I do. He brought Hizashi back in person."

Hiashi's father just stares at him.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **When Suing Doesn't work, Do What Your Mother Would Have Done.**

 _This omake is dedicated to_ _ **Dracorat'**_ _s brilliant joke: "I'm sure Toneri will be over the moon with these kinds of results in the Omake!" That pun right there made me laugh for a while._

Itachi and Hidan are investigating rumors of a man who has been cloning himself. Itachi is paired with Hidan because Kisame is on a fishing holiday and Kakazu is training to be a lawyer because lawyers can make a lot of money. So Hidan and Itachi are working together.

After much sleuthing, Itachi and Hidan tracked their prey to his hideout in the mountains. Itachi leads the way inside while Hidan wanders along behind. They soon locate the man, who has Sharingan implanted into his body in weird places. Gathered around him are 19 small, identical children. Lying on a table is a 20th child. Whom the man seems to be doing some sort of experiment on.

"Well, we've definitely found the right guy," says Hidan. "Can I sacrifice him to Jashin?"

"Not right now," says Itachi. "Step away from the child!" he orders the man.

Hidan watches in interest as the man straightens up and smiles at Itachi. "It is an honour to meet you, Itachi Uchiha," he says. "All of this," he waves his hand around the room at the small children. "I have done by joining your DNA with mine."

 _Gross,_ thinks Hidan. _Talk about a fanboy!_

"You used my DNA?" asks Itachi, raising an eyebrow. "Then I can sue you for parental rights. Hand the children over to my custody, or I will take you to court."

"Pah, that doesn't scare me!" the man scoffs.

"Hidan?" says Itachi. "Take this man where these little ones cannot see or hear and sacrifice him to Jashin."

"What, seriously?" Hidan can't quite believe his ears.

"That's what my mother would do," says Itachi.

"YES!" Hidan grabs the man and drags him from the room.

The children stare up at Itachi. "Who are you?" one of them asks.

On closer inspection, Itachi realizes, they aren't quite identical. Some are shorter, some are taller, some are fat and some are thin. "I'm your real Daddy," he says. "That man was a bad man. You are safe now. You'll never see him again." Carefully, he picked up the child lying on the table. He's hurt, but it's nothing Sakura can't fix once they get back to the Leaf.

"But Father said we are his clones!" protests one of the little boys. "He was preparing to make another 50 of us! How can you be our real Daddy if we are clones?"

"Hush," says Itachi and pokes the protesting child in the forehead. "It is so because I say it is so." He smiles around at them all. "When we get to your new home in the Hidden Leaf you will get to meet your cousin Sarada and your Auntie Sakura and your Uncle Sasuke. And you can all go to school and make new friends, isn't that exciting?"

"What's school?" asks one of Itachi's new kids.


	16. Train Now: Reunion Later!

Jiraiya watches in horror as the Nine Tails' chakra wraps itself around Naruto. "I have to do something," he says to B.

"This is Naruto's fight, don't ya know?" raps B. "Let's wait and see how this will go!"

"If you say so," says Jiraiya reluctantly. He continues to fret until the progression of the Nine Tails' chakra suddenly halts. "What's happening?" he asks B.

"Naruto is gaining control," grins B. "Looks like he's on a roll, yeah!"

Jiraiya senses something inside Naruto's seal. Something that should not be there. "Something is happening inside that seal!" he tells B. "I need to get in there now!"

"Nah, it will be fine!"

Naruto stares at the two people standing before him, shock envelops him like a cloud of dust. His Dad smiles and his Mum holds out her arms.

"MINATO! KUSHINA!" yells Kurama. "YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SOPPY REUNION LATER! Help Naruto get my chakra under control NOW!"

"Wait, you aren't resisting?" says the Fourth Hokage, turning to Kurama in surprise.

"No," says Kurama. "Now help your offspring control my chakra!"

"Er… what did we miss, Dattebane?" says the Bloody Habanero, looking VERY confused.

"You just said 'dattebane', Dattebayo!" Naruto laughs, and hugs his mother. Kurama's will travels back to him post haste because it cannot stand before the overwhelming happiness emanating from Naruto. Then he turns and punches his Dad. "That's for sealing Kurama into me!" he says. "Neither of us overly appreciated it!"

"I told you so, 'ttebane!" crows Kushina, laughing at Minato. "I ####ing TOLD YOU SO!"

"But...but...but…" Minato stammers, holding his stomach. "T-th-th w-w-wa- n-n-n m-m-m e-eh-" he doesn't manage to finish.

"Well, it looks like you've gone and provoked Minato's stutter," says Kushina, sounding very amused. "No one's managed to do that in a while."

"Naruto!" snaps Kurama. "Hurry up and pull out my chakra! Then we can use it to sustain your parents chakra ghosts while they explain how they are here!"

"Right!" says Naruto, and pulls out the rest of Kurama's chakra. Kurama looks rather thin after he is done. "Wow, Kurama, you look like you could use a bowl of ramen."

"I still have enough chakra to flatten you!" says Kurama defensively. "Now, let's connect their chakra ghosts to my chakra core. Once we've done that, they will be able to stick around as long as they want provided they stay in the seal."

Naruto feels so happy he might just explode. "My Mum and Dad will be able to stay in the seal with you?" he says, grinning with giddy excitement. "And I'll be able to see them every day for the rest of my life?"

"Wait, you would do that?" asks Kushina, who is patting Minato comfortingly on the back while he tries to stammer his woes into her shoulder.

"Kurama's the best," says Naruto. "Let's do this, dattebayo!" Kurama guides Naruto through the process of binding his parents' chakra ghosts to Kurama's seal in such a way that Kurama's chakra will sustain them for as long as they are bound to, and remain inside, the seal.

"H-h-h r-r-r f-fr-fr-i-i-" Minato is trying to stutter something out.

Kushina sighs and says, "What your weirdo father is trying to ask is; 'how are you already friends with Kurama?"

"Dunno," Naruto shrugs. "It kinda just happened. How are you guys here, and what happened the night Kurama tried to flatten the Leaf?"

"Well…" Kushina launches into a story about how Sasuke looked like a girl when he was a baby (Naruto laughs at that), something about jinchuuriki seals weakening during childbirth, and The Third's wife being a grouch-bag. Then she tells about how just after Naruto was born in a secret hideout, a guy in a mask turned up, claimed to be Madara and tried to blow up Naruto. Kushina continues on, telling of how Madara pulled the Nine Tails out of Kushina ("His name is Kurama!" Naruto interrupts.). Madara used his sharingan to force Kurama to attack the village and in order to save it, Minato and Kushina had no choice but to seal Kurama away in Naruto. Then Kushina runs through a huge speech that she managed to spurt out while she was dying and asks Naruto, "So did you do all these things?"

Naruto takes a deep breath the way he has seen Iruka-nii do before answering one of Naruto's long speels of questions and says; "Well, I eat lots of ramen-"

"You only eat ramen!" interrupts Kurama. "Unless Iruka or Kakashi force you to eat something else!"

Naruto glares at him and continues, "and I take lots of baths because I LOVE taking baths, and Pervy Sage says I sleep too much-"

"You sleep less than me!" puts in Kurama, laughing.

"-and I have lots of friends - I even have a club! I did really badly at the Academy, but Iruka sensei gave me a field promotion after I beat up a traitor to the village, and now we're bros; Pervy Sage has been teaching me about the prohibitions, he's a looser, though. And I have a girlfriend, but she's more like Dad-"

"Stutter and all!" laughs Kurama.

"You have a girlfriend, dattebane?" Kushina leans forward in excitement. "What's her name? Is she anyone I know's kid? How old is she? (Actually, come to think of it, how old are you now?) How much like Minato is she?"

"Her name is Hinata Hyuuga," says Naruto. "She's Hiashi Hyuuga's daughter, and she's the same age as me (I'm 14 now), and she stutters like Dad, but not nearly as bad! She can actually put a sentence together!"

"You're dating HIASHI'S kid?!" Kushina looks more horrified than pleased. "What does he have to say about that?"

Naruto scratches his head. "Well, mostly he just says, 'You kids are going nowhere without a chaperone!'" he does a pretty good imitation of Hiashi's voice.

Kushina starts laughing. "I'm so glad we got to meet you! And that we can stay with you as long as we want!"

"N-n-n y-y-i-i-aa-" Minato tries to stutter something out.

"Dammit Minato!" yells Kushina. "I can't translate that! Spit it OUT!"

"Na-nah-nah-!" Minato's stutter only gets worse. "Gaaah!" he yells in frustration.

Naruto feels sorry for his Dad, so he hugs him. "It's okay, you don't need to say anything. Mum already said WAY too much anyway."

"HEY!" Kushina protests.

Naruto's Dad hugs him back.

"I gotta go now guys," says Naruto, releasing his Dad from the bone crushing hug that didn't even phase him. "But I'll be back soon, and I'll probably be able to hear you if you talk to me." he leaves his mindscape, grinning like an idiot.


	17. Confusion On A Whole New Level

Naruto opens his eyes to see Pervy Sage and Octopops watching him intently. Naruto looks down at himself to see that he is wearing a chakra cloak. "Cool, dattebayo!" he says, grinning. "This is awesome!"

"What happened, Naruto?" asks Pervy Sage, leaning forward. "I thought I sensed foreign chakra!"

"I met my parents!" says Naruto. "They sealed their chakra into Kurama's seal so I could meet them someday!"

"You WHAT NOW?" Pervy Sage falls over backwards in shock.

"I met my parents," says Naruto. "Me and Kurama sealed their chakra to the seal so that Kurama's chakra can sustain them forever."

Pervy Sage just stares at Naruto with his mouth hanging open.

 _He doesn't believe you!_ Kushina's voice floats into Naruto's mind.

 _Ah well,_ says Naruto. "So Octopops, do you think you could do this training with the other jinchuuriki? If I call the JUC here, and you call the Matatabi's jinchuuriki, then we'll have reunited all the biju! Also, we need to send the order to the Rain for your uniform. And when Matatabi and her jinchuuriki get here, they will need to register for the JUC too."

 _What's the JUC?_ Asks Kushina.

 _Jinchuuriki United Club,_ replies Kurama.

"Octopops," continues Naruto. "We need to get your measurements - oh, and what colour would you like with your uniform? I have orange (obviously), Gaara has maroon, Yagura has green, Roshi has purple, Han has dark grey, Utakata has light blue, Fu has red. Everyone has to have a different colour. That's another rule."

"Can I have white?" asks Octopops.

"But what colour would your trimmings be?" asks Naruto. "No one will be able to see them if your whole uniform is white!"

Octopops considers this question and says, "Make the trimmings black."

"What!" Pervy Sage interrupts. "Minato and Kushina are living in your mindscape now?"

"Yes, keep up," says Naruto. "So Octopops, can you do this training with the other jinchuuriki? Please say yes!"

"That's fine with me," raps Octopops. "You send for the JUC, and I'll send for Nii, then get uniforms for her and me!"

"Nii?" asks Naruto cocking his head to one side.

"Yugito Nii," explains Octopops. "Is Matatabi's jinchuuriki."

"Could someone please explain to me what is going on?" demands Pervy Sage.

 _N-n-naruto,_ stammers out the Yellow Flash. _Br-br-bring s-s-ensei i-in h-here! I-I'll ex-explain t-to h-him._

"Pervy Sage, come into my mindscape," says Naruto. "Dad will explain everything."

"Can I come too?" asks Octopops. "Well, if you can even get me into your mindscape, that is."

 _A little help, here, please Kurama?_ Asks Naruto.

 _Join hands,_ says Kurama. They do, and a second later Octopops, Pervy Sage and Naruto are standing in Kurama's wide open cage.

Pervy Sage stares at Naruto's parents who are grinning broadly at him. "You-" Pervy Sage points at them in disbelief.

"Yo, wassup!" says Octopops, fistbumping both Minato and Kushina.

"H-h-hi," stammers out Minato.

"Sup," grins Kushina.

"How the #### are you guys here?" demands Jiraiya.

"We sealed ourselves into the Eight Trigrams seal," explains Minato, his stutter apparently gone. "We are seal masters, after all."

"Nothing shall stand between me and my baby, dattebane!" declares Kushina, clenching her fists in determination.

Gaara is signing some paperwork that some Sand chunin did for him, when a JUC messenger hawk arrives. The message it bears is a summons for all the jinchuuriki. It seems a meeting of the JUC has been called at this Island of Truth place to welcome the two - well four - new members to the club.

Yugito Nii is sitting in a tree eating fish when a messenger bird arrives. The message is from Killer B, who wants her to come to the Island of Truth for a meeting of all nine jinchuuriki.

 _What do you say, Two Tails?_ She asks, amused. _Think it will be worth the trouble?_

Purring, the Two Tails answers, _if my brothers and sisters are gathering, it means that something big is about to happen. We should go without delay._

Yagura is sitting in the shade of the Mizukage tower holding Mei's ugly baby. The kid's warmed up to him now. A JUC messenger hawk flies down to land beside him, disturbing Sanma, who wakes up and makes an odd noise.

"Kid's already got shinobi reflexes," jokes Yagura to the hawk and reads the message the hawk brought him. It is a summon to a meeting of the full JUC.

Han is busy trying to convince Roshi to say 'Son Goku' when a JUC messenger Hawk arrives. Han dumps another shaving cream pie on Roshi's head and reads the message. "We've been summoned to a meeting of the JUC," he tells Roshi. "On the Island of Truth. It seems we have all nine jinchuuriki and their tailed beasts now."

 _###ing ####,_ says Kokuo. _That Naruto ####er didn't ###ing waste any ###ing time getting the other two ####s from the ###ing Cloud, did he? ####._

Utakata is sleeping under a tree when he is woken by wingbeats. He opens his eyes to see a JUC messenger hawk perched on the ground beside him. He takes the message and reads it. Sighing he makes a bubble and starts flying towards the Island of Truth.

 _Saiken, wake me up when we get close,_ he tells his biju, before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.

Fu is buzzing around her favourite tree wishing something exciting would happen. It's been so boring since she left the Hidden Leaf, and she has only gotten one letter a day from Neji, and she already sent a reply to today's one, so she has nothing to do, and Chomei STILL won't talk to her.

A JUC messenger hawk flies down and lands on a tree branch near her. Fu buzzes over happily.

"Fu is going to the Hidden Cloud!" she rejoices after reading the summons. Then she buzzes home to pack some stuff for the trip.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Cutest Evil Overlord Ever.**

 _We have reached and passed the 50 review mark!_

"Hima-chan, you be good for the Hyuuga clan, alright," says Hinata, patting her eight year old daughter on the head. "You behave yourself too, Boruto."

"You lot behave yourselves as well," says Neji to his children.

"We will take good care of them, Neji-sama, Hinata-sama," says a clan member, bowing to their current clan head and his cousin.

Earlier that day, Hinata and Neji were called away for a diplomatic mission to the moon, and since Fu and Naruto were both busy, they had to find someone to look after the kids. Neji suggested letting the Hyuuga clan look after them (what's family for, after all?). As a result, the Hyuuga clan is on babysitting duty, and they have no choice in the matter.

When Fu and Naruto go to the Hyuuga compound to collect their respective children, they are greeted by an astonishing sight. Himawari is sitting on a throne with miniature Kurama on her lap. Sitting on cushions around Hima-chan's throne are her brother and Neji's kids. Chomei is buzzing around in miniature making sure no one harms Neji's kids.

The other members of the Hyuuga clan are serving food to the children on silver platters.

"Who would like the honour of brushing my hair?" asks Hima-chan, stroking Kurama regally.

"So that's where Kurama and Chomei went," says Naruto.


	18. Troublesome Siblings

_Hey Naruto,_ says Kurama, sounding excited. _I can sense the other biju! They are all coming in - they will all be here within seconds of eachother._

"Hey Octopops!" says Naruto pausing in his and Kurama's Sage Mode training.

"I know," says Octopops. "I can sense them too!"

They look up at the sky and see a bubble floating above them. Utakata is inside, peering lazily down at them. The bubble lands and bursts with a _pop_ , Utakata steps out. "Where's the best place to take a nap around here?" he asks bleerily.

"You slept the whole way here, didn't you?" asks Naruto, trying not to giggle.

"Uh, yeah," says Utakata, yawning. "Who's this guy?" he points to Octopops.

"I'm Killer B,

"You've heard of me,

"Unless you live in a hole,

"My raps' full of soul,

"Gyuki lives in me

"We're bros, you see!" Raps Octopops.

Utakata looks confused.

"NARUTO!" Fu's voice rings out across the sky. "Utakata! FU IS HERE!"

"No s###," says Utakata, settling down under a tree for a nap only to jump up again with a cry of, "WHO ARE YOU?"

A young lady with long blonde hair jumps down from the tree and says, "Yugito Nii of the Hidden Cloud. Jinchuuriki of the Two Tails, Matatabi."

"Yugito Nii, remember me? The Rappin' KILLER B?!" raps Octopops.

"Unfortunately," says Yugito. "Who're these losers?"

"I will introduce everyone once we're all here," says Naruto. "Look!" he points up at the sky to where a platform of sand is zooming through the air towards them. "Gaara is here."

As Gaara is landing beside Naruto, a giant turtle-like thing with three tails rises out of the water beside the island. The turtle disappears, leaving Yagura standing on the surface of the ocean. Yagura runs up to where the other jinchuuriki are assembling and says, "Looks like we're just missing Han and Roshi."

Han appears at that moment, a trussed up Roshi slung over his shoulder. "Kokuo says 'You could've ####ing given us more warning before you called this ####ing meeting, you ####.' And she wants you to go ##############################." says Han.

"Thanks Han," says Utakata sarcastically. "You're really made my day with your perfect relay of EVERY RUDE THING THAT KOKOU SAYS!"

"Calm down!" orders Naruto, clapping his hands. "I now call this meeting of the JUC to order. Firstly; I would like to introduce our new members. This is Killer B, jinchuuriki of the Eight Tails, Gyuki. And this is Yugito Nii, jinchuriki of the Two Tails, Matatabi. Yugito, I am Naruto Uzumaki, the head of the JUC. These six are: Gaara of the Sand, Fifth Kazekage and jinchuuriki of the One Tail, Shukaku; Yagura the former Fourth Mizukage, and jinchuuriki of the Three Tails, Isobu; Roshi the jinchuuriki of the Four Tails, Son Goku; Han the jinchuuriki of the Five Tails, Kokuo; Utakata the jinchuriki of the Six Tails, Saiken; and Fu the jinchuuriki of the Seven Tails, Chomei."

The assembled jinchuuriki mumble greetings to each other.

"So why did you call this meeting?" asks Roshi, who is still trussed up, but is now sitting on the ground.

"Becauses Killer B has special training for us to do!" says Naruto, grinning. "Me and Kurama did it already and now we can work in perfect sync! Octopops, you can explain the rest! Oh, and PLEASE, don't rap it!"

"Okay, okay," grumbles Octopops. "Can everyone follow me, please?" he leads the group across the Island to the Waterfall of truth. "This is the Waterfall of Truth," explains Octopops. "Every single one of you who hasn't faced it has to face it-"

"Why?" demands Roshi.

"This is a club activity," replies Naruto. "You all have to participate. I've already faced the waterfall, you lot will be fine."

"So," continues Octopops. "How many of you have full control over your tailed beast's power?"

Yagura and Yugito raise their hands.

"Well, everyone else must come with me for training once they have faced and beaten the Waterfall," instructs Octopops. "Who wants to go first?"

"I will," says Gaara.

"While that's happening," says Naruto turning to Yugito. "We need to send away the order for your uniform!"

"I get one too?" Yugito says, a little surprised.

"Everyone gets one," says Naruto. "Octopops' one is on its way."

A Hidden Rain Hawk flies down and lands on Octopops shoulder. Octopops takes the scroll to find: "My uniform is here, YEAH!" Octopops says grinning. "I'm gonna go change. Gaara sit there and close your eyes." Octopops disappears with his uniform.

Gaara goes and sits under the Waterfall of Truth.

Naruto and Yugito set to designing Yugito's uniform shirt. Yugito has a very specific design in mind: her colour of choice is violet, and she want a cloud pattern on one sleeve.

The other members of the JUC drift over to see who is winning Asuma and Hidan's current shogi match. Hidan is actually losing this one. Jiraiya is playing poker with Kakuzu and losing as badly as Tsunade. Motoi just looks really, really confused as to why seven people just turned up on the Island of Truth.

Naruto glances over to Gaara, to check his progress. Gaara stands up and walks over to the rest of the JUC and their guards. "How did you do, Gaara?" Naruto asks him.

Everyone turns to Gaara.

Gaara crosses his arms and says, "I won. I faced myself and won. But then," he closes his eyes and dips his head. "I already fought myself after I fought Naruto, so this was easy."

"Wait, Gaara met himself in the Waterfall?" asks Fu, surprised. "Fu wants to meet herself!" Fu runs over to the waterfall and sits down.

Octopops emerges from who-knows-where in his new JUC uniform.

"Octopops, Gaara is ready for the next stage of training!" Naruto calls.

"Let's get you trained, fool, ya fool!" raps Octopops, grabbing Gaara's arm and dragging him behind the Waterfall.


	19. (Rin Facepalms)

Nagato walks (like a boss) to check on the Gedo statue. He hasn't needed it for a while, so he hasn't really paid much attention to it. Nagato opens the doors with much pizzaz and gasps.

The gedo statue is gone.

"KONAN!"

She arrives in a few seconds. When she sees that the statue is missing, she says, "We need to tell the other Villages. If the statue is gone, it means that Team Tsuki no Me is preparing to make their move.

"Recall the Akatsuki!" orders Konan. "I will tell the Village heads." she sweeps out of the Gedo Statue's chamber.

Nagato stares worriedly at the place the Gedo Statue stood and goes off to recall the Akatsuki to the Hidden Rain.

The Village leaders gather in the Hidden Leaf for the second Five Kage Summit. Unlike the first Five Kage Summit, the leaders of the minor shinobi villages attend as well.

"I'm sure you are all wondering why we have called this meeting?" begins Lady Tsunade.

"I assume it has something to do with the JUC or Team Tsuki no Me?" asks the Tsuchikage.

"Both," says Nagato. "Team Tsuki no Me's aim is to capture every jinchuuriki and extract their tailed beasts. Then they will seal them in the Gedo Statue, which is the husk of the mythical Ten Tails. The Ten Tails was real: the biju we know today were created by the Sage of the Six Paths when he split the Ten Tails' chakra into nine. If the Ten Tails were to be revived, then Team Tsuki no Me would be able to cast a powerful genjutsu over the world. They need to be stopped before they can revive the Ten Tails."

"And how do you know this?" demands the Raikage.

Remembering that the Raikage does not know about the origins of Team Tsuki no Me, Nagato explains, "Team Tsuki no Me used to be part of Akatsuki. For a while, we followed their plan. However, once we abandoned their plan, we kicked them out. We have been hunting them ever since, but they are a slippery lot."

The Raikage consider this information with an uncharacteristic amount of calmness. Finally he says, "I think we should protect the jinchuuriki from Team Tsuki no Me in case they -" he breaks off. "Hang on; isn't the Kazekage a jinchuuriki? Where is he?"

"We sent for him," says Baki, the representative that the Sand sent. "He is at a meeting of the entire JUC. He should be here soon."

"I think the jinchuuriki will be our best hope of taking down Team Tsuki no Me," says Tsunade. "Naruto in particular is-"

"There is no need to involve Naruto," says the Mizukage. "So long as we have the Prank King, do we really need to involve the Orange Terror?"

"Lady Mizukage, are you forgetting what we are dealing with?" demands Tsunade. "We will need both of them to take down Team Tsuki no Me!"

"Now let's not jump to any conclusions," says the Tsuchikage. "How do we know Team Tsuki no Me is even planning to move soon?"

"We don't," says Nagato. "But the disappearance of the Gedo Statue is a sign we need to prepare."

"Prepare for what though?" asks the Raikage. "Will they try sneak attacks or open war?"

"War would be disastrous!" protests the leader of a minor village.

"Yes, it would," agrees Nagato. "That is why we must find and stop Team Tsuki no Me, and if possible we should destroy the Gedo Statue."

"Why didn't you destroy it sooner?" demands the Raikage, angrily.

"Because I use it when I am fighting," answers Nagato. "The Gedo Statue can only be controlled by one who bears the rinnegan."

"Does Team Tsuki no Me have a rinnegan?" asks the Tsuchikage.

"Not that we know of," says Nagato. "However, the leader of Team Tsuki no Me wears a mask that covers his face completely except for one eye. It is possible that he has a rinnegan hiding under there. We cannot afford to rule out any possibility."

"Like the possibility that Team Tsuki no Me has already captured the JUC?" suggests the Raikage. "That would explain why the Kazekage is not here yet."

"I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation!" protests Baki. "Surely we would know if the JUC was attacked by Team Tsuki no Me!"

"I'm sure that, with their current membership," says Tsunade calmly. "The JUC will easily beat back any attack Team Tsuki no Me throws at them. Do not jump to any premature conclusions. Besides, Jiraiya is with them, along with two Akatsuki members and Lord Third Hokage's son. They will be fine."

The air of nervous fear did not leave certain parts of the room. Nagato surveys the room, wishing the Raikage had kept his mouth shut.

"He does have a point," Konan whispers in Nagato's ear. "Where is Gaara?"

"Maybe something went wrong with the training at the Island of Truth," Nagato whispers back. "I'm sure the people there are handling it."

Konan doesn't look so sure.

The ground begins to shake in a way Nagato knows very well. "Zetsu!" he hisses, standing up.

The green, black and white face of Zetsu rises from the floor. "Heelloo everyone!" White Zetsu laughs. "I've come for your jinchuuriki! Be good ninjas and hand them over, alright?"

"NEVER!" roars the Raikage.

"You heard the man!" yells Tsunade, slamming her fist down on the meeting table. "You aren't getting our jinchuuriki!"

"Then Tobi is declaring war on all of you!" says the man in an orange mask, whom none of them noticed appear while they were focused on Zetsu. "No one gets left out, see? Tobi is a good boy, he doesn't leave ANYONE out!"

"He is a psycho child-man," whispers C to the Raikage.

"The worst kind!" agrees the Raikage.


	20. Gaara Takes His First Nap

Fu jumps up from her seat beneath the Waterfall and spins around. "FU DID IT!" she declares.

"What did Fu do?" asks Utakata patronizingly.

"Fu met herself!"

"And what did Fu do when she met herself?"

"Fu made friends!" declares Fu, throwing her arms wide.

"You beat yourself by making friends?" says Naruto, wide eyed.

"Yep!" Fu grins. "Who will go next?"

"I will," volunteers Yagura, and sits down beneath the waterfall. Less than a minute later he stands up and backs away slowly. "You didn't say our selves would be hostile!" he says, glaring at Naruto.

"Well, they are," says Naruto. "The 'self' you meet under the waterfall is the truth of the darkness in your heart. You have to conquer it - or in Fu's case, make friends with it."

"How am I supposed to fight myself?" demands Yagura. "All he is telling me is true! I can't- I just can't face the truth!"

"Well, you have to!" says Naruto, standing his ground. He puts his hand on Yagura's shoulder. "If you don't face the darkness in your heart, Isobu's chakra will overwhelm you when you try to control it! You'll never be a perfect team unless you can first conquer your own fear and hate and anger!"

"But how can you fight the truth?" demands Yagura.

"With the truth!" shouts Naruto. Then he turns to the other members of the JUC. "While Yagura is figuring out a strategy, who wants to try their luck?"

"I will," says Utakata. He heads over to the waterfall and sits down. He sits there for quite some time before he stands up, heads over to tree and sits down to take a nap. "I won my battle, just in case you were wondering," he says and closes his eyes.

"I have to introduce him to the Nara clan," remarks Naruto. "Who's going in next?"

"Yo, wassup out here?" raps Octopops, emerging from the Waterfall with Gaara in his arms. "We finished our training never fear! Fool ya fool!"

"What's up with Gaara?" asks Naruto as Octopops lays the passed out Gaara on the grass.

"He mastered Shukaku's power, then BAM! He was out like a light," explains Octopops. "Who's coming in for training next?"

"Fu is!" says Fu. She follows Octopops into the waterfall.

Once they are inside, Han sits down beneath the waterfall. The other members of the JUC and their guards wait quietly. Soon Han stands up and says, "That was harder than I expected - why are you all staring at me like that?"

"You said something that wasn't a message from Kokuo!" whispers Naruto in awe. "So who's going next, 'ttebayo?"

"I will try again now," says Yagura, and heads over to the Waterfall again. He actually stays seated for longer than a few second this time. When he does stand up he says, "I did it. I beat myself." he slumps down on the ground next to Gaara, lies down and doses off.

"That just leaves Roshi, I guess," says Naruto. He grins at Roshi. "Are you going to participate willingly this time?"

Roshi stomps over to the Waterfall of Truth and sits down. He spends a good fifteen minutes sitting there, during which Pervy Sage loses another round of poker to Kakuzu, and Hidan loses the Shogi match he is playing against Asuma. Finally, Roshi stands up, and turns to the people gathered around. "I have something to say to all of you," he says. "I left my village and avoided all human contact because I was afraid of catching Stupid off you all. But, after thinking about it carefully and talking it over with my Darker Self, I have come to realize something I can't believe I missed. After living with Son for so long, I should have caught Stupid off him by now, but I haven't. Therefore, it can only be assumed that my immunity will never break down."

Naruto stands up, walks over to Roshi and unties him. Then he claps Rishi on the shoulder and says, "Welcome to the JUC, Roshi."

Fu comes barreling out of the waterfall and yells, "FU IS FRIENDS WITH CHOMEI NOW!" she buzzes around the other ninjas and gables, "Chomei didn't talk to Fu because Chomei's immunity to Stupid was breaking down! But now Chomei has accepted the inevitable! Chomei will have stupid! Chomei is friends with Fu!"

"Who's next?" asks Octopops.

"I am," says Utakata, getting up and following Octopops behind the waterfall. When he re emerges some minutes later, he simply goes back to his nap.

Han goes next, and when he comes back out about fifteen minutes later he says, "Kokou says that training was easier than she expected."

 _Naruto,_ says Kurama in awe. _That's the first time Kokou has said something that didn't have a swear or cuss word in it. What is happening here?_

 _Dunno,_ replies Naruto. "Roshi, you're up!"

Roshi does not stay in the room very long, however, he seems somewhat less grouchy when he comes out. "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," he says.

A messenger hawk from the Hidden Sand flies down and lands beside Gaara. It squwaks demandingly. Naruto takes the message and reads it out to the others. Then he says, "Gaara can't go to a Five Kage Summit if he is passed out. What should we do?"

"We'll wait a few hours," says Yagura. "If he hasn't woken in time to make it to the meeting, we send a message to the Hidden Sand to tell them that Gaara cannot come due to the fact that he is sleeping so soundly we cannot wake him."

Naruto stares at Yagura. "You can't tell the Sand that Gaara is sleeping! It will cause widespread panic!"

"Nevertheless," says Yagura. "The Sand needs to know that their Kazekage is currently unavailable and will now actually need a bed, since apparently Shukaku is letting him sleep in peace."

"It will still make the Sand ninjas panic!" says Naruto.

"I thought you LIKED causing panic!" accuses Yagura.

"I do! But not the kind this will send them into!"

"Boy, boys!" Yugito interrupts. "This is no time for arguing. There a people trying to take naps!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Sit Boy!**

 _60 reviews and still not everyone knows I'm actually finished writing the entire story, so they keep making suggestions about what I should do. However… the guest that wondered why Obito didn't revive Rin and ask her opinion about the world domination plan certainly hit the nail on the head. In fact, my co author and I are planning a fic where that happens. It's a fun idea. We won't start posting that one until this series is over though, and we are taking into consideration all your suggestions, like longer chapters, less outright stupidity, more relate-ability from the characters and suchlike. (So don't stop making suggestions.)_

"Hima-chan," says Naruto. "Today is a very special day for you."

"Are we getting ramen?" asks Hima-chan hopefully.

"Not right now," says Naruto. "Today you get to meet my parents!"

"But Daddy's parents are dead!" protests Hima-chan, confused.

"Yes, but they watch over us from inside Kurama's seal," explains Naruto.

"There's a giant Kurama in there too!" says Boruto, waving his arms in the air. "And lots of water! It's so much fun in Kurama's seal!"

"Can I take my togs?" asks Hima-chan. "I wanna go swimming in the water!"

"Yes, bring your togs," says Hinata.

"Yay!" Hima-chan runs to her room and reappears a short while later with her togs on and a towel over one shoulder. "Time to go swimming!"

"Do you think she understood the part about meeting Nanna and Pop?" asks Boruto.

"Probably," shrugs Naruto. "It's hard to tell with Hima-chan." Naruto transports his family to his mindscape and leads them through the tunnel to Kurama's seal.

"Wow!" says Hima-chan as she stares around. Through the giant gates is a collection of rock pools, some with steam rising from them. Grass covers the floor of the cage and trees grow up from what used to be a water stone floor.

Naruto remembers when Hinata first came into the seal. She took one look around and promptly forced Naruto to tidy up. Naruto gathered the water into pools and made a garden so his parents and Kurama would be more comfortable.

"MUM? DAD?" calles Naruto. "I've brought Hima-chan!"

A Flash of Yellow careens towards them and scoops up Hima-chan. "So cute!" says Naruto's Dad.

"Are you my Grandpa?" asks Hima-chan.

"Yes," conforms Minato, grinning.

"Hey Pop," says Boruto.

Kushina appears from behind a tree and pinches Hima-chan off Minato. "YOU ARE SO CUTE!" she says, squeezing the stuffing out of Hima-chan.

Minato picks up Boruto and tosses him into the air. "You're almost too heavy for this!" Minato sighs as he catches Boruto.

Kurama sneaks out from behind the foliage. Hima-chan's whole face lights up when she sees him.

"Kurama!" she laughs. "You're all big!"

"This is my actual size," says Kurama, grinning.

Hima-chan just giggles and says, "Sit boy!"

Kurama sits, waving his tails about happily.

Minato and Kushina's bottom jaws join their feet on the floor.

 ** _An:_** _For those of you who don't know, 'togs' is New Zealand slang for a swimsuit._


	21. Go Home Tobi No One Cares

The leaders of the Shinobi villages stare at the masked member of Team Tsuki no Me in surprise.

"Who are you?" demands Oonoki.

"Tobi is Tobi!" giggles the Masked man. "Some people call Tobi Madara Uchiha!"

"Are you the one who was controlling our Mizukages?" demands Ao.

"Tobi is a good boy!" says Tobi. "Tobi plays with puppets and Tobi likes the fishy-ninjas! They make the best puppets!"

"Quit it with the act, Tobi!" orders Nagato, surprising Onoki with the amount of venom in his voice. "I know you are faking this stupidity!"

Tobi laughs, his voice suddenly much deeper and more sinister. "It is a useful act," he says. "It put all of you off your guard-"

He cuts off because a messenger hawk flies in the room and lands on Baki's shoulder. Baki opens the message and reads it. "I'm afraid Gaara won't be able to make it to this meeting," Baki says. "He is well, um…"

"Tell us!" snaps Oonoki, worried that something is wrong with the little Kazekage.

"Asleep," whispers Baki. "Gaara has been asleep for two days."

"Well, that could very well be a good thing," comments Tsunade, nodding.

"I suppose he can't help his absence if he fell asleep before he got the message," says Mei sama reasonably.

"Must be the first proper sleep the kid's ever had, right?" asks Nagato, curiously.

"It is, actually," says Baki.

"Excuse me!" snaps Tobi, irritated at being ignored. "I'm trying to start a war here!"

"Be a good boy and go start a war somewhere else," says Konan evenly. "This is a meeting of the leaders of the Peace Movement."

"But…!"

"GO!" she kicks him out of the room. Then she turns to Zetsu. "You too, get out! Go on: shoo!" she shoos him out of the room.

"Well, I suppose that answers the question of what they plan to do next," comments Oonoki. "Now, what should we do about them?"

Iruka gazes up at Konoha's Academy. It's been so long since he was here last. And to think he used to spend most of his time here. Wow, he had no social life back then. In the baby sling that Iruka has hung over his shoulders, little Sanma is blowing snot bubbles again.

Iruka walks around the side of the Academy to the training grounds. There is a class there because it is a school day. There is a teacher he does not know taking the class. Maybe the woman is his replacement.

"IRUKA SENSEI!" Konohamaru's voice rings out from the training ground. A little cannonball of Hokage-spawn rockets towards Iruka. Iruka puts out his hand to stop the child's forward momentum before he crushes Sanma. "OW!" complains Konohamaru. The rest of the class is running over at a considerably slower pace.

"How many times have I told you not to rush into things without thinking?" demands Iruka, amused.

"Sorry, sensei," mumbles Konohamaru, rubbing his chest, where he had made contact with Iruka's hand. He finally seems to notice the sling. "What's in there?" he asks, loudly.

The other kids, his old class, gather around, wanting to see what their former sensei has in the sling. Iruka crouches down and pulls the top of the sling open wider so the kids can see Sanma, who is still blowing snot bubbles.

"Is that your baby?" asks Moegi, looking rather critically at the baby.

"Yes," says Iruka.

"He kinda looks like Udon at the moment," says one of the other kids.

Iruka looks at Udon, who has a glob of snot hanging out of his nose, then back at Sanma, who has a snot bubbles coming out of his nose. Iruka starts laughing.

"I take it you are their old sensei?" asks the new sensei.

"Yes," confirms Iruka. "I had better let you get back to knocking some common sense into their heads."

Iruka says goodbye to his old class and heads to Yakiniku Q, where he is sure he will find a few more of his old students. Sure enough, Team Ten, Team Eight, Sakura, Sasuke and Team Gai are there, along with the two Root kids that Kakashi's friend Yamato adopted - Shin and Sai, or whatever their names were.

"I had it first!" Sasuke is yelling at Kiba. They appear to be fighting over a piece of barbecued beef.

"But I wanted it first!" yells back Kiba.

"POSSESSION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW!"

"YOUR MUM IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW!"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" bites back Sasuke, shoving the piece of beef in his mouth triumphantly. "And my Dad was the other tenth!"

Iruka starts laughing. The teams turn to him in surprise.

"Iruka sensei!" a few of them say at different volumes, and with varying degrees of happiness and surprise.

"Hello, kids," says Iruka. "Mind if I join you?"

Sasuke shuffles over and pats the space he created beside him. Iruka sits down.

"Do you have Sanma with you?" asks Sakura, trying to see into the sling.

Iruka knows what she wants. "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I'm assuming you want to hold him?"

Sakura looks slightly guilty and immensely happy - an odd combination. "Can I?"

"Yes you can," replies Iruka, and takes Sanma out of the sling and hands him to Sakura, knowing full well he won't get his baby back until Sanma starts crying. "So Neji, I hear you and Fu are dating now."

"Yes, we are," replies Neji.

"Have you heard anything from her about the JUC?" asks Iruka. "They have been strangely quiet since they went to the Island of Truth."

"In her last two letters - yesterday's and today's - she only seems to be talking about things that aren't related to the JUC," replies Neji. "I wonder what their collective silence means."

"Ew, gross! It popped on me!" complains Ino, meaning Sanma's latest snot bubble.

"Does that baby have a ##### or a ######?" asks Sai.

"Sai, you could just ask if it's a boy or a girl," sighs Shin.

"He has a #####," says Iruka, straightfaced, wondering why the word is censoring itself. This Sai kid is hilarious.


	22. The Biju are doing WHAT!

Naruto and Kurama are experimenting with what they can and can't do with the seal open. They have already mastered joining forces for the Sage Arts, and now they are just killing time while waiting for Gaara to wake up.

"I thought for sure that would work!" complains Naruto.

 _I honestly don't know why you thought that would work,_ says Kurama. _It was obvious it would not._

"So what do we do now?" sighs Naruto. "Gaara still hasn't woken up."

 _You could practice letting Kurama out of the seal,_ suggests Naruto's dad. _So long as his chakra is tied to the seal, he can go anywhere if the seal is opened and you let him out. We'll be fine so long as the seal is intact._

Naruto considers this suggestion and decides that it might be fun if all the jinchuriki could do it. He runs off to suggest it to them. The JUC gathers under the tree Utakata and Gaara are napping beneath to hear Naruto's latest crazy idea. As Naruto is explaining, Gaara begins to stir.

Gaara groggily pulls himself into a sitting position and squints around at everyone. Then he yawns and rubs at his eyes. "So that's what sleeping feels like," he mutters, his voice sounding raspier than usual. Then his stomach growls at him.

"I got just what you need," says Naruto, pulling out a scroll and unsealing the cans of L&P that Konan gave him last time he saw her. He hands a can to Gaara.

Octopops trots off into the forest and comes back a few minutes later with a wild boar, which they roast over a cleverly placed fire jutsu, courtesy of Roshi. A few minutes later, the JUC (plus their redundant guards) are sitting down having a picnic of roast boar and L&P.

"So Gaara," asks Naruto. "What happened with Shukaku?"

Gaara finishes his mouthful and says, "You know how the sand that follows me everywhere protects me whether I want it to or not?"

"Yeah?"

"That sand is actually my mother," explains Gaara. "She turned herself into sand and sealed it to me. When I faced Shukaku to learn to control his power she appeared in my mindscape and helped me."

 _As a mother should,_ comments Naruto's mum approvingly.

"That's pretty much what my Mum and Dad did," says Naruto. "Then what happened?"

"Then I had a talk with Shukaku and he agreed to let me sleep," says Gaara.

 _Gaara stares up at Shukaku and asks, "Will you let me sleep? Please?"_

 _Shukaku looks conflicted. "Sleep is only for the weak!" he growls, but there is an edge of uncertainty in his voice._

" _I keep you in this pathetic seal every day," begs Gaara. "Haven't I already proven my strength by doing that?"_

" _Maybe…" Shukaku still seems conflicted._

" _Please, Shukaku?" begs Gaara._

 _Shukaku bends his head down to Gaara's eye level and looks him in the eye. "Sleep, weak little human. I will watch over you."_

"And that's what happened?" says Yagura. "Shukaku agreed to let you sleep and you went straight to sleep?"

"Yes," says Gaara. "Did I miss anything important?"

"You missed an emergency meeting of the village heads," says Yagura. "You were asleep for two and a half days. The meeting finished a few hours ago."

"We'll have to send word to the other kage that Gaara is awake," says Asuma. "The second Five Kage Summit was missing the Kazekage; they told us that they are reconvening when you join them."

"Oh," says Gaara. He goes back to ravenously wolfing down roast boar and L&P.

"So," says Naruto. "Before we go to Konoha, there is something we all need to do…"

Several hours and much training later, the JUC has gathered for their next club activity. They sit in a circle and go into their shared jinchuuriki mindscape.

"Oh, wow!" says Fu. "Fu likes it here!"

The tailed beasts grin around at each other.

"Hello you ####ers," says Kokuo.

"Oh, good, we all made it!" grins Naruto. "Now, there is only one thing we can do now, and I think you all know what I'm thinking about!"

"Unless you're thinking of turning us into a giant whisper circle-" begins Utakata.

"The game is called Chinese Whispers!" snaps Yugito.

"That is exactly what I was thinking!" grins Naruto.

"What the #### is Chinese Whispers?" demands Roshi.

"Hey, #### head! Swearing is MY ###ing thing, ####!" says Kokou.

"You had less of a childhood than me," says Gaara. "Basically, a bunch of people sit in a big circle and one whispers something in the person next to them's ear, then that person whispers what they heard to the person on the other side of them. In that way the message gets passed around the circle. Once the last person has heard the message, they say what they heard out loud. The first person then says what the actual starting message is. If they are the same, it will make history."

"That…" Roshi's eyebrow twitches. "Actually sound like a good exercise in gathering accurate information."

"We can play too, right?" asks Matatabi.

"Of course!" says Han. "No adding swears to the message, please, Kokuo."

They begin, starting with Gaara and ending with Naruto. A lot of confused looks cross the members of the JUC's faces.

Finally Naruto hears the message. "This makes no sense," says Naruto. "So it's probably wrong. I heard, 'eyes mum cans dream'."

"That is not what I said at all," says Gaara. "I said 'I like ice cream'."

"Of course you did," face palms Roshi.

"Let's go again, starting with Chomei this time!" suggests Fu.

"Alright! Another round!" Naruto punches the air.

"Yes!" Yugito sounds very pleased.

They begin their next round, ending with Utakata nervously asking if the message was, 'the seven dishrags'.

"Don't be silly!" says Chomei. "I said, 'The Sage of Six Paths'!"

Said Sage appears in the middle of the giant circle. "So you are finally all together again," he says.

"That was oddly timed," comments Kurama.

"We're playing Chinese whispers!" says Gaara. "Do you want to join in?"

"You're what?" says the Sage of Six Paths in disbelief.


	23. Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?

"Let me get this straight," says the Sage of the Six Paths. "I appeared here as a result of you being re united and all of one mind, and all you are doing is _playing Chinese Whispers?_ "

"Well Chinese Whispers is a ####ing fun game," says Kokou.

"KOKOU!" scold the Sage of the Six Paths. "What have I said about swearing!"

"Sorry Dad," says Kokou, looking rather down.

"So, you have, like, the rinnegan?" says Naruto. "And a staff that holds giant paper clips?"

The biju all start laughing.

The Sage of the Six Paths stares at Naruto. "You… THEY ARE NOT PAPER CLIPS!"

"That actually kinda do look like paper clips," says Utakata. There is a chorus of agreement around the circle.

The Sage of the Six Paths glares indignantly at Naruto. "Well," he says, trying to retain some dignity. "Which of you is responsible for bringing my children together?"

As one everyone points to Naruto, except Naruto, who points at Kurama, and Han, who points at Gaara. Since Naruto and Gaara are sitting beside each other, it looks like everyone is pointing at both of them. Because of this, the Sage of the Six Paths thinks the bijuu and jinchuriki mean Gaara and Naruto, except Gaara and Naruto who are trying to attribute it to someone else.

"So, you two boys, huh?" he peers at them. "Both of you have blue eyes, interesting." he looks up at Kurama and says, "You were the last one I expected to bring the nine of you together, what happened?"

"Naruto Uzumaki happened," says Kurama, as if that explains everything.

"So," Says Utakata. "Are you gonna play Chinese Whispers with us or not?"

"Sure, why not?" sighs the Sage of the Six Paths. "It's nice to see my children getting along so well." he sits down between Kurama and Killer B. Then he starts as if he just remembered something. "Naruto, next time you see your friend Sasuke, bring him here - I need to have a word with the two of you."

"Let's play musical chairs next!" suggests Isobu. "That would be the most epic game of musical chairs EVER!"

"Sure, why don't we just play Pass the Parcel and Duck, Duck, Goose as well," says Roshi sarcastically, and instantly wishes he hadn't.

"Yes!" agrees Utakata.

"Fu wants to play those games too!" yells Fu.

And that is exactly what they do.

At some point during the wild game of musical chairs, Roshi finds himself out along with the Sage of the Six Paths.

"I haven't played these games since my son Asura's tenth birthday party," says the Sage of the Six Paths.

Roshi glares at the Sage of the Six Paths. "Where does the Senji Stupid come from?" he demands. If the Sage of the Six Paths doesn't know, then who will?

"Oh, that was my annoying little brother Zetsu," says The Sage of the Six Paths dismissively. "He created it in hopes that the people who got it would destroy each other because of it. Unfortunately, it is having the opposite effect to what he wanted it to have."

"Why are some people immune, but others aren't?" demands Roshi.

"Oh, the people who are immune are either descended from me or my twin brother Hamura - his descendants the Hyuuga clan have their own brand of stupid called the Hyuuga Idiocy, it's hereditary and non contagious, unlike the Senju Stupid."

"So then I must be descended from you somehow?" says Roshi. "I have immunity to the Senju Stupid."

"Ah, well, most people these days have my blood running through their veins," says the Sage of the Six Paths. "Take that guy, Ichiraku, for example. He is probably the only truly sane person left in the world, and my blood runs thick through his veins. He is probably the only person who remains completely unaffected by the Senju Stupid, the Hyuuga idiocy and whatever is wrong with the Uchiha clan."

Sasuke carefully sits as far away from the cootie-infested Ino, Sakura, Hinata and Tenten as he can. He also makes sure he is not sitting next to Kiba. He is not sure how he let himself get dragged on this foray with the teams from his graduating class, Team Gai, and Shin and Sai. The group seemed to think it would be incomplete without him, even though Naruto is not there.

"I wish Naruto was here," says Hinata, as she looks through the menu. (On the Island of Truth, Naruto sneezes into the bit of roast boar he is gnawing on.)

Shino opens his mouth to say something but is cut off when Kiba says, "So what should I order for Akamaru?"

"Maybe the Crab Stew?" suggests Tenten.

The group is at 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER'. They spent the day together - at lunchtime they went to the BBQ place and Iruka sensei showed up with Sanma. Going to the soup kitchen was Sasuke's idea - seeing Iruka sensei reminded him of his Mum, and he was faced with two choices: get tomato soup or kill Itachi in his sleep. Sasuke loves his brother, so he chose the soup option.

"Actually," says Sasuke. "'Madara's Take on Tobirama's Signature Dish' would be better, since it is basically a thin beef stew."

"Have you had it before?" asks Sakura, surprised. "I though you only ever came here because they make your mother's recipe for tomato soup."

"Itachi can make 'Madara's Take on Tobirama's Signature Dish'," says Sasuke. "He used to make it when Mum was out training Iruka sensei because Dad burned everything he ever tried to cook. Including toast and ramen."

"I think I have nicknames for you all now!" says Sai, smiling.

"Okay, let's hear them," says Neji.

"Neji, you are 'Girly'," says Sai, making Neji frown and bang his head down on the table. "Tenten, you are 'Meatball Head'" - Tenten puts her hands over her buns - "Lee, you are 'Eyesore'" - Lee just looks confused, which relieves Sasuke - "Hinata, you are 'Stalker'" - Hinata blushes - "Kiba, you are 'Smelly'" - Kiba sniffs his underarm and pulls a face - "Shino, you are 'Invisible Man'" - Shino looks like he is going to cry - "Shikamaru, I already call you 'Lazy'" - Shikamaru sighs - "Choji, you are 'Food Machine'" - Choji looks like he can't decide whether or not that is insulting - "Ino, you are 'Beautiful'" - Ino blushes - "Sakura, you are 'Ugly'" - Sakura has to be knocked out with a well placed Gentle Fist Strike to stop her from killing Sai (Sasuke thinks Ino is the ugly one though) - "And now for you, Sasuke." Sai smiles. "You are 'Duck-Butt Head'."

"Why?" asks Sasuke, confused. Where did that nickname come from?

"Your hair looks like a headless duck," says Sai.

"My hair looks like a…" Sasuke lets this news sink in. "Why did none of you tell me?" he cries. "I thought you were my friends! But you've been letting me walk around looking like a dead duck is sitting on my head!"

The others stare at Sasuke. Sasuke gets up and runs from the shop to do something about his hair.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Stupid Uchiha!**

 _This omake is dedicated to this comment from_ _ **Dracarot**_ _: "Silly Sage if you weren't so focused on your six paths you'd know there's thousands more paths yet to be traveled!  
*stage whispers* And some lead to the plain bizarre." _

Tobirama Senju will never admit it to anyone, but he is an excellent cook. He even has a signature dish: Lamb Stew with Potatoes and Oregano. No one except Tobirama and his mother could ever pull it off as well as he can.

People have tried to make his signature dish and every single one of them failed spectacularly.

Until now.

Madara f###ing I-like-to-turn-random-things-into-soup Uchiha is in the kitchen making soup.

USING TOBIRAMA'S SIGNATURE DISH AS INSPIRATION!

It's okay to copy someone using the sharingan, because Uchiha's can't help that: it's what they do.

It's understandable that every time an Uchiha goes in the kitchen it starts cooking, because there is something seriously wrong with the Uchiha clan.

But there is NO excuse for Madara going to the kitchen FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF TURNING TOBIRAMA'S SIGNATURE DISH INTO SOUP!

Tobirama puts up with Madara most of the time, since Madara is Hashirama's Best Friend and all.

This is the final straw, however. NO ONE, especially not an UCHIHA is allowed to copy Tobirama's cooking!

Tobirama marches into the kitchen and drags Madara out but his hair. It's time for Madara to learn the meaning of fear.

Once the coast it clear, Hashirama crawls out of the woodwork. Literally. Then he sneaks into the kitchen and samples Madara's soup.

It is glorious.

Pity Konoha doesn't have a soup kitchen yet, this recipe would be a perfect menu item.

Hashirama is hit in the face by a brilliant idea.

Several hours later, after Tobirama is finished learning why Madara is feared across the Elemental nations (but mostly why you should never touch his hair), Hashirama presents his idea to his friend. As a result, when Tobirama is finally released from the hospital, he is just in time to attend the opening day at 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.'

And the final blow, which turns Tobirama firmly against the Uchiha clan forever?

The star dish on the menu is called 'Madara's take on Tobirama's Signature Dish'.


	24. The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi End

They come in the night when everyone is sleeping except a few lonely watchmen. They kill the watchmen before the alarm cca be raised and start setting fire to the town. Under any other circumstances, they would have burned down the village and killed everyone in it.

But they forget one thing.

Hiruzen Sarutobi.

Hiruzen wakes as soon as he feels two well known chakra signatures vanish. He leaps out of bed, throws on his clothes, rousing his bears and Enma. They run outside to see what is happening.

Hiruzen uses chakra to enhance his voice and raise the alarm, " _The English are here! The English are burning the town!_ "

"Hiruzen, get the people out!" orders Enma. "There are too many of them for us to fight and protect the village at the same time!"

"Right!" agrees Hiruzen. "We'll take them into the forest where we found the bears - the English shouldn't be able to follow us very quickly." he pauses as he realizes something. "Take the animals as well; they will need them when they rebuild."

"Right," Enma heads off to start evacuating the village.

Hiruzen heads to the houses that are already on fire and starts herding people out, " _Head to the forest_!" he tells them. " _Don't worry about anyone - I swear I will save everyone_!"

" _What about the guards?"_ asks one of the warriors.

" _Their deaths woke me,"_ says Hiruzen sadly. " _But no one else will die here tonight!_ " he runs into a burning building, using water style ninjutsu to put out the flames as he searches for the three chakra signatures inside. He finds the three children and leads them out of the building. After handing them over to one of the villagers, Hiruzen heads over to another building. He sees the English moving through the village and puts them under a genjutsu so he can sneak the rest of the people out.

Finally everyone is safely on them way to the forest. Enma has cast a genjutsu over the villagers and the animals they managed to save to shield them from the English. An elderly lady is riding the mother bear and some children and pregnant women are riding the horses they managed to save.

Everyone is strangely silent until they are safely deep in the forest. Then the young children and babies start crying loudly. Some of the men and women join in, only much quieter.

"We can't stay here forever," says Enma. "The English will find them and wipe them out. You know as well as I do that that is what happens to villages in war time."

The villagers are all looking to Hiruzen and Enma, wondering what they are talking about.

Hiruzen looks at the miserable bunch of people, really _looks_ at them. They are different from people in the Elemental Nations, but their hearts bear the same hopes and dreams. They are full of pride and love, these people. They are wild and free, but there is no place for them in their own country.

Hiruzen considers what to do and comes to a decision. "Enma," he says, can you set up a chain summon to get these people to Konoha?"

Enma stares at him in surprise. "You want to take all these people to the Land of Fire?" he asks. "Are you sure that is such a good idea?"

"Maybe, maybe not," says Hiruzen. "But I can't just leave them here to die the moment I'm no longer around to protect them. It is obvious they are outnumbered and outmatched."

"I will arrange it," agrees Enma. "Just make sure you explain to these people exactly what is happening before I get back." he vanishes in a puff of smoke.

" _What was that about?_ " asks Fergus.

" _Enma has agreed to transport you all to my country,_ " says Hiruzen. " _That is, if you are willing to come._ "

The _Scots_ fall to discussing this proposal. Finally, the chief of the clan turns to Hiruzen and says, " _We will go to your land, provided there are no English there._ "

Hiruzen smiles as Enma reappears. " _I can guarantee that no one there will even know what an Englishman is. The worst you will have to worry about is the_ Senju Stupid, _but most of you caught is off me already._ " he turns to Enma. "They will come with us."

Enma summons a few more monkeys, and they form a circle around the villagers and their animals. A few seconds later, the entire village is standing in the home of the Monkey summons. A few seconds after that, they are standing outside the gates of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Hiruzen heads towards the gates where he is sure to find Izumo and Kotetsu doing anything but guard the gates. He has barely moved two steps when someone knocks him down in a hug. "GRANDPA HOKAGE! YOU'RE BACK!"

Hiruzen looks down to see Naruto grinning up at him. "Hello Naruto. What's been happening while I've been away?"

Naruto frowns in concentration. "Well, all the villages are allied now…" then he smiles. "Oh, yeah, and Iruka sensei got married and had a kid! That's all the important stuff, I guess."

"Oh, and the JUC isn't important?" says a voice that Hiruzen doesn't recognize.

"Oh, yeah, I guess it is, Dattebayo," Naruto scratches behind his head and releases Hiruzen. "I united all the Jinchuuriki, we formed a club and have a uniform. Who are all these guys that you brought back? Where were you, anyway?"

Sensing a long speel of questions, Hiruzen pats Naruto on the head and says, "I'll tell you everything later." he sees a miniature Nine Tailed Fox Sitting at Naruto's feet. "Who's this?" he asks.

"That's Kurama."

Hiruzen decides it's better not to ask. He turns to the group of people coming up the path. He recognizes some of them, namely Jiraiya, Gaara, Asuma, Hidan and Kakazu. The rest seem either vaguely familiar or completely unfamiliar. "So who are these people?" he asks.

"Well," says Naruto, "These guys are the JUC and our guards. You know these four, and this guy is Motoi - they are the guards. There is only one way to introduce the JUC. Yugito, if you would?"

The girl with the Two Tailed cat sitting on her shoulder pulls out a shamisen and starts to play.

Naruto takes a deep breath and starts to sing, "First the Biju! One: Sleep is for weak humans says the mighty Shukaku! Two:..." Naruto sings his way through the introductions of the Tailed beasts, pointing to each miniature biju as he says their name. Then he moves on to the jinchuuriki. "...Nine: the Orange Terror Naruto!" he finishes.

"Um, nice to meet you all, I guess," says Hiruzen.

Fergus walks up to Hiruzen and asks him, " _Who are all these people?_ "

Hiruzen is in the middle of telling him, when Asuma approaches him with Hidan in tow and says, "Hidan wants to know if he can sacrifice or convert these people."

"NO!" snaps Hiruzen, glaring at Hidan. "Why would he even get you to ask that?"

"He's my drinking buddy," shrugs Asuma.

" _Who are these two?_ " asks Fergus.

" _This is my son and his incredibly violent drinking buddy._ " says Hiruzen.

Fergus looks awestruck. " _Your family might as well be Scottish!_ "

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Lazy Blighters.**

' _Five Jinchuuriki Go on a Road Trip; Shenanigans Ensue' has over 70 reviews! Yay, feedback!_

"Can I please stay somewhere where no one will mind if I sleep all day?" asks Utakata, who is apparently too lazy to demand.

"I already know just the people," grins Naruto.

Kurama snickers.

Naruto leads Utakata and miniature Saiken to the Nara compound. Kurama sits on Naruto's shoulder the whole way, lazy fox. When they arrive at the Nara compound, Shikamaru's Dad just kinda stares uncomprehendingly at Naruto and Utakata.

"Hi Shikamaru's Dad," says Naruto. "This is Utakata, and this is Saiken. Granny Tsunade says they have to stay with you while they are visiting the Leaf Village."

"How troublesome," says Shikamaru's Dad.

"Is Shikamaru here?" asks Naruto. "I wanna ask him about something."

"Yeah, he's inside with Choji-"

Naruto is already inside by the time Shikamaru's Dad has said 'Choji'.

Much later, Naruto wanders back outside to find Kurama. Shikamaru and Choji go with him, despite the latter's protests that it is 'troublesome'. After a few minutes of hunting the Nara land for Kurama, they finally locate him.

He is curled up under a tree with Saiken. Utakata is dozing in the grass with his back to the tree and Shikamaru's Dad sleeping beside him.

Shikamaru walks over to the tree, lies down in the grass and goes to sleep.

"Hey!" Naruto protests. "Why are you all sleeping? It's the middle of the day!"

"Naruto," says Choji, pulling out a bag of chips. "That is the Nara Sleeping Tree. Whenever a Nara finds themselves within three meters of it, they get the compelling urge to sleep under it. They never let outsiders sleep under that tree. Your friends should feel honoured."

"But it's the wrong time of day to be sleeping!"

"For a Nara there is no such thing as the wrong time for a nap."


	25. That was Dad's Favourite Game!

"This is the best ramen I've ever had," says Mei-chan, as she politely wolfs down a bowl of Ichiraku ramen.

Iruka grins. "It's the best ramen in the world."

"You don't need to flatter me, Iruka," says Ichiraku, looking a tad embarrassed. "I know you've been coming here your whole life."

"It's not flattery, it's the truth," says Iruka. "I have tried many different people's ramen, and your's is still the best."

"Iruka-nii!" Naruto bursts into the ramen shop. There is a tiny Kurama sitting on his shoulder. Naruto sees Mei-chan there and says, "Oh, hey, Mei-oneesama," and hugs her. Iruka smiles. It seems Naruto has accepted the fact that Mei and Iruka are married now. Iruka was worried Naruto would always hold a bit of a grudge against the two of them. Then Naruto turns and hugs Iruka. "Where's Sanma?" he asks.

"I have him," says Ayame, who had pounced as soon as she saw the baby.

"Grandpa Third is back!" says Naruto, grinning. "And we brought Gaara so the Five Kage Summit can continue. Oh, and we met the Sage of the Six Paths."

"You met the Sage of the Six Paths?" Mei-chan looks flabbergasted. "What did you do?"

"We played chinese Whispers, Musical Chairs, Pass the Parcel and Duck, Duck Goose," says Kurama. "What do you think we did?"

"You mean you didn't play Blind Man's Bluff as well?" asks Iruka.

"That's what we forgot!" Naruto facepalms.

"Dammit!" says Kurama. "We missed a golden opportunity! Blind Man's Bluff is Dad's favourite party game!"

While the Five kage Summit reconvenes to discuss what they should do about the _Scottish Villagers_ that Hiruzen brought back, and what they should do about team Tsuki no Me, Jiraiya drags Naruto off to find Kakashi-sensei.

"Here, Kakashi!" Jiraiya thrusts Naruto into Kakashi's hands and says, "He's all yours again!" Then Pervy Sage shunishins away.

Naruto and Kakashi-sensei stare at eachother.

 _Bring him in here,_ says Naruto's Dad.

"I'm going to bring you to my mindscape, okay?" says Naruto, and does just that. "I brought Kakashi-sensei!" he announces.

"Yay!" Kushina leaps forward and hugs Kakashi, then gives him a noogie. "You got so tall while I was dead, lil' Kashi-kun, dattebane!"

"GAAH! HOW DID YOU TWO END UP IN HERE?" Kakashi-sensei freaks out and scrambles away from Kushina.

"Calm down Kakashi," says Minato, smiling. "We are sealing masters - did you honestly think we wouldn't seal our chakra into Naruto so we could meet him one day?"

"Oh, right," Kakashi-sensei instantly calms down. "That explains it."

Several hours of catching up with Minato and Kushina later, and Kakashi is about ready to bang his head against a concrete wall several times. He is beginning to remember why he alone thought Naruto was easy to deal with (besides Iruka, of course; but no one bothers to count him anymore, since it usually goes without saying).

Naruto and Kakashi finally leave Naruto's mindscape and Kakashi breathes a sigh of relief.

"So can I go now?" asks Naruto, turning to leave.

"Nope," says Kakashi, grabbing Naruto by the collar. "I have a thing I want to teach you, now that I have you back."

Naruto stops struggling. "What is it?" he asks, interested.

Kakashi grins and asks, "Do you know what your chakra type is?"

"My chakra type?"

Several hours later, about 100 Naruto shadow clones are trying to split leaves in half.

"I got it!" yells one.

"Good, then on to the next stage," nods Kakashi.

By the next day, not only have the village leaders not decided on their plan of attack - binge watching excellent TV serieses takes priority over planning a war - but Naruto has finally mastered splitting a waterfall in half vertically.

"Thank you, Tenzou," says Kakashi. "You can go now."

"Dammit, senpai!" complains Yamato, releasing his waterfall jutsu. "I'm Yamato now!"

The next day Iruka, who is still in the Leaf due to the fact that the meeting of the village heads still isn't finished, wanders down to training ground seven to see how Naruto and Kakashi are doing. He takes Sanma with him, since the Kages and the lesser village leaders are actually having a proper meeting today instead of 'educating' Gaara. When Iruka arrives at the training ground, Naruto is trying to add Wind Style chakra to a rasengan. It's not working so well, even with Kurama's help.

"I just can't do it!" complains Naruto. "It's like trying to look left and right at the same time!"

"Really?" says Kakashi. "That's easy." He make a shadow clone. "I'm looking left," says one Kakashi. "And I'm looking right," says the other Kakashi.

"Of course!" says Naruto and makes a shadow clone of his own. Within a few minutes, he has the completed jutsu whining away in the palm of his hand.

"Impressive," comments Iruka, wondering if Naruto would have eventually managed it without a shadow clone's help.

"Naruto!" snaps the tiny Kurama sitting beside Kakashi. "Dispel that jutsu now!"

Naruto does so. "Why did you-"

"That jutsu was tearing the nerves in your arm," says Kurama. "It is too dangerous to use!"

"But…!"

"However," continues Kurama. "If you were to go into Sage Mode, then not only would the Nature chakra heal the damage as fast as it forms, but you would also be able to throw the thing."

Naruto grins, looking incredibly happy. He sits down and starts gathering Nature Chakra. Once he is in Sage Mode, Naruto forms the purple jutsu again. Then he turns and throws it across the training ground. It hits a tree, cutting right through it, turns and cuts several more trees down before expanding into a giant ball of purple light and exploding.

Sanma wakes up from his nap in the grass and starts crying. Iruka picks him up and quiets him. "That is an impressive move," says Iruka. "What are you going to call it?"

Naruto thinks about this for a few moments and then says, "Rasen Shuriken! Cause it's like a shuriken, but it's also a rasengan, and you throw it!"

Naruto's entire expression changes to one of intense pain.

Kurama vanishes with a _pop_ , and Naruto collapses with a scream.


	26. Well, Would You Look at That

Naruto finally returns to consciousness to find Iruka-nii and Kakashi-sensei bending over him. Holding his pounding head, Naruto sits up.

"What happened?" asks Kakashi-sensei. "Did that jutsu-"

"It wasn't the jutsu," says Naruto. "Ow, my head hurts, 'ttebayo."

"Then what was is?" asks Iruka-nii, shifting Sanma to his other shoulder.

"Well remember how my Dad sealed Kurama and himself into me?" says Naruto, taking a deep breath. "Well, when he did, he sealed half of Kurama's chakra and half of his own chakra into the belly of the Shinigami he summoned to make the seal super strong, and then he sealed the other half of his chakra and Kurama's chakra into me; and now someone's gone and opened up the shinigami and let my Dad and the other half of Kurama out, so their chakra returned to the halves of them sealed into me; and now the two halves of Kurama are locked in combat fighting for dominance and if the half that was in the shinigami wins, me and Kurama won't be best friends anymore, and I have a massive headache!"

"Why would someone want to release the Fourth Hokage from the shinigami?" asks Kakashi-sensei, seeming a bit confused.

Iruka-nii stands up. "We need to tell the village leaders about this," he says and turns to go. "Come with me."

Naruto scrambles to his feet and follows Iruka-nii while kakashi-sensei brings up the rear.

The doors of the meeting room swing open and Iruka, Kakashi and Naruto sweep in.

"What's up, you three?" asks Tsunade. "You better have a very good reason for barging in here!"

"We do," says Iruka. "I have reason to believe that Team Tsuki no Me is building their reanimated army."

"They are building a what now?" says A.

"An army of reanimated shinobi," says Iruka patiently.

"And how did you come to that conclusion?" demands Oonoki.

"Someone set the Fourth Hokage free form the belly of the Shinigami he was sealed inside," explains Iruka. "Only two people I know of are capable of doing that, and since I didn't do it, it must have been Orochimaru. The only reason Orochimaru would have to set the Fourth free is if he wanted to re-animate him. We know that Orochimaru is part of Team Tsuki no Me, and that they are preparing to wage war on us. If I was in their position, I would create a reanimated army to crush you, so I assume that is what they are doing. The fact that Orochimaru tried to re animate the Fourth Hokage is an indication that he is trying to re animate powerful shinobi to kill us all."

"Who is this guy?" demands A. "And who let him in this meeting with these crazy ideas?"

"He's my husband," says Mei.

"He's a pain in my butt," says Tsunade.

"He's my bro!" says Naruto.

"He's the Prank King," says Kakashi.

"HE'S THE WHAT?!" yells A.

"Dude, chill," says Iruka. "Look, we need to do something about this reanimated army, so what do you all say to putting together a task force to take them all out?"

"Who put you in charge?" asks the leader of the Hidden Grass.

"I put me in charge," says Iruka.

"Oh, go back to babysitting!" snaps the leader of the Hidden Grass. "You're good for nothing except throwing facts in people's faces!"

Iruka throws an encyclopedia at the Grass's leader. All 20 volumes. One at a time. "There," he says, dusting off his hands. "Does anyone else feel like having some facts thrown at them?"

"Nope."

"No."

"I'm good."

"No thank you."

"Good, then we can continue," Iruka smiles radiantly. "So, what do you say we make the task force up out of the Kages and any village leaders, along with the JUC and the Akatsuki. Oh, and anyone else who wants to help kick Team Tsuki no Me's butt?"

"Good idea," says Nagato. "Let's start looking for volunteers."

Mikoto Uchiha is checking her fingernails while Fugaku reads the newspaper. "What newspaper is that?" she asks, curiously.

"News From the Land of the Living," says Fugaku. "It says something about Team Tsuki no Me creating a reanimated army to destroy the shinobi nations or something."

"Cool, cool," says Mikoto, not really listening.

There is a pop and a flash of light, and suddenly they are in the land of the living. Fugaku carries on reading his paper, as it appears the chair he was sitting in while she sat perched on its arm came with them.

Orochimaru is staring at them with a look of confusion on his face. "Usually they come out of coffins," he mutters.

"Well, would you diddly-darn look at that," says Mikoto. "We've been re animated."

"Can't I read the paper in peace?" growls Fugaku, folding up his newspaper and tucking it into his shirt.

"You will now do my bidding," says Orochimaru.

Fugaku and Mikoto exchange glances and make identical hand signs.

"RE ANIMATION RELEASE!" they say, releasing the jutsu.

"What? How?" Orochimaru does not look happy.

"Hey, while we're here," says Fugaku, taking Mikoto's hand and strolling away. "Why don't we go see how our kids are doing?"

"That seems like a great plan," agrees Mikoto. "To the Leaf Village!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Look I Finished It!**

 _Wow, 80 reviews already. Thanks everyone!_

Sasuke is sitting under a tree reading a scroll on which herbs go best in soup, when he hears the sound of purring. Curious, he looks up into the tree above him. A small blue chakra cat with two tails is crouched in the branches above Sasuke, purring down at him while whipping its tails back and forth.

"Hello," says Sasuke. "I'm Sasuke. What's your name kitty?"

The kitty jumps down and climbs onto Sasuke's lap, upping the volume of its purring to a phenomenal level. Sasuke strokes the kitty, who happily curls up in his lap and goes to sleep. Once he is sure the kitty is asleep, Sasuke goes back to his scroll.

A few minutes pass while Sasuke reads the rest of the scroll. The kitty stays on his lap. Just as Sasuke is reading an interesting paragraph about the best was to use rosemary, when a tall girl with a long blonde ponytail jumps down from the branches above him. "Hn," says Sasuke, meaning something along the lines of 'This better be important, I'm learning cooking techniques'.

The girl, who looks old enough to be cootie-free, grins and says, "Matatabi isn't being a bother, it he?"

"No," says Sasuke and continues reading.

The girl - on second thoughts she's probably the same age as Iruka sensei - stares at Sasuke like he has a second head or something. After a staring at Sasuke for a few seconds, the lady sits down beside Sasuke and leans over to see what he is reading. "I didn't know frying rosemary in oil before using it brings out the flavour!" she says in surprise.

"Neither did I," admits Sasuke.

"What's your name, kid?" asks the lady.

"Sasuke," he says. "Who are you?"

"I'm Yugito Nii," she says. "Nice to meet you."

 _Yugito Nii? Something about that name sounds familiar,_ thinks Sasuke. Then he remembers. "You're the two tails jinchuuriki!" he looks down at the kitty on his lap. "Then is this the two tails?"

"Yes," says Yugito, sounding a bit defensive.

"Shouldn't you be wearing a JUC uniform?" asks Sasuke.

"It hasn't arrived yet."

"Can I have your paw print? And Matatabi's pawprint?" asks Sasuke, being careful not to beg. Uchihas do NOT beg.

"What for?" Yugito demands, surprised.

"For my collection of cat pawprints," explains Sasuke. "Yours is the only one I haven't got."

Much later, Itachi is pounced on by an excited Sasuke. "Nii-san! Look, I finished it!"

"What did you finish?" asks Itachi, patiently. _I gave up being your enemy for this?_

"This!" Sasuke holds out the book, which is entitled 'Sasuke's Paw Encyclopedia'. "I got Yugito and Matatabi's paw prints!" he opens the book to the newest page which unfolds into the largest piece of paper Itachi has ever seen in a book. On the paper is a large pawprint with a human handprint beside it. The page is signed 'Matatabi and Yugito Nii'.

Itachi has to admit he'd mostly forgotten about the Paw Encyclopedia. He had figured Sasuke would have forgotten about it too. But here is Sasuke, holding up the completed book, a proud smile on his face.

"Good job," says Itachi, not sure what to do.

"So you're Itachi's little brother then?" says a female voice.

Itachi swings around to see Yugito crouched on the window-sill with Matatabi in miniature on her shoulder. "Hello Yugito, hello Matatabi," says Itachi evenly.

"You didn't tell me you have an adorable kid brother," grins Matatabi.

"Adorable?" said adorable kid brother whines, sounding and looking like he is going to cry. "But...but...I'm a ninja…"

 _Damn Sasuke's emotional instability,_ curses Itachi. _Well, at least he is more likely to cry than try to kill you. That's an improvement, I guess._


	27. They Don't Even Care

Sasuke is hiding in Itachi's closet eating a bucket full of tomatoes. Outside, the Uchiha district is crawling with the _Scottish_ people that the Third Hokage brought back from his holiday. Itachi generously offered to house them in the Uchiha district while a more permanent solution is found. In the meantime, Sasuke has to put up with curious children following him around and old ladies trying to mess up his hair, which he has been plastering down with hair gel until it stays down naturally.

Having had enough of the foreigners fussing over him - apparently the Third told them he is an orphan and they all decided 'the poor boy' needed some sympathy and attention - Sasuke is currently hiding from them. Apparently Naruto is back now too, but no one has seen him since he arrived except Iruka sensei and the Mizukage. Rumor has it that Jiraiya handed Naruto to Kakashi at the first opportunity and Kakashi took Naruto and disappeared. Sasuke briefly wonders what Kakashi is teaching Naruto and how long it will take. The Third brought back gifts for some of his villagers and he isn't going to hand them out until everyone he brought back a gift for is assembled together. Apparently Naruto is one of those people.

Sasuke chomps down another tomato.

"Sasuke-teme!"

Sasuke jumps up and runs down to Naruto. "Get me out of here!" he begs - even though an Uchiha does not beg.

"Um, why?" asks Naruto. "There's an old lady outside who-"

"Come," Sasuke drags Naruto upstairs and shoves him in Itachi's closet. Carefully not-quite-closing the door, Sasuke hunkers down beside Naruto.

"What's gotten into you?" asks Naruto as Sasuke settles the bucket of tomatoes on his lap and starts eating them by the handful.

"Hn," says Sasuke - There are too many people; I can't take anymore of their ceaseless sympathy and attention.

"Oh," says Naruto. "Let's talk in my mindscape, no one will hear us in there."

"Hn," agrees Sasuke.

"Just warning you - it's pretty hectic in there," says Naruto and transports them to his mindscape.

Sasuke looks around Naruto's mindscape. It is dark, wet and dreary. "Hn," he says - you need to clean this place up.

"Everyone says that, 'ttebayo," whines Naruto. "This way," he leads Sasuke down a corridor. "There is an epic battle going on in the other direction."

They end up in a completely white room. "Hn?" Sasuke asks.

"This is the quietest place around here," explains Naruto. "So, do you want to see my new jutsu?"

"HN!?" (YOU ACTUALLY LEARNED A JUTSU!?)

"Yes, check this out," Naruto enters Sage Mode, makes two shadow clones, forms a spinning wheel of chakra and throws it across the room, wherein it expands and explodes. "Normally Kurama helps me, but since he's busy, I had to use an extra shadow clone. I call it the Rasen Shuriken."

"Hn," says Sasuke, impressed. Then he asks, "Hn?"

"Well," says Naruto. "Apparently, Team Tsuki no Me is trying to make a reanimated army. They tried to reanimate my dad, except that half his chakra is sealed to Kurama's seal and the other half of Kurama is sealed into him, so when they tried to reanimate my Dad, the rest of his and Kurama's chakra came into me, so now the two halves of Kurama are fighting for dominance. The two halves of my Dad just started stuttering at each other."

"Hn," Sasuke says, confused.

"Well, I don't really get it either," shrugs Naruto.

An old man with an odd looking staff appears beside them.

"Oh, hey, Gramps," says Naruto. "Sasuke, this is the Sage of the Six Paths."

"Hn," says Sasuke.

"Hello boys," says the Sage. "I have a story to tell you."

"Hn?" says Sasuke.

The Sage tells them a story about some kids called Indra and Ashura, who were his sons. One of them was talented, the other was rubbish. The rubbish one made lots of friends and stopped being rubbish. The talented one got all snotty and up himself. Apparently the two boys were the Sage's sons, or something, and the Sage had to give his power to one of them before he died, so he gave it to the Rubbish one, since he suspected the talented one would abuse the power. Ever since then the two have been locked in mortal combat via their vessels of reincarnation, or something. Sasuke doesn't care, and from the looks of things, Naruto doesn't get what the story is about.

"So what's that got to do with us?" demands Sasuke, dipping into his daily quota of sentences.

"The two of you are the current vessels of reincarnation," says the Sage. "You, Sasuke, were Indra and you, Naruto, were Ashura."

"And?" says Sasuke, unimpressed.

"So?" says Naruto, picking his nose and examining what he found.

The Sage of Six Paths sighs. "Damn, you Zetsu," he mutters. "Why did you have to go and infect the Shinobi world with stupidity?"

"So we used to be your kids," says Sasuke. "How is that significant in the grand scheme of things?"

"Before you were Sasuke and Naruto, you were Madara and Hashirama," says the Sage. "And before them were Indra and Ashura. The point is, that the reincarnation cycle will stop once Indra and Ashura are reunited. Madara and Hashirama almost accomplished that, but it fell apart. So far, the two of you have managed to get along-"

"What do you mean 'managed'?" demands Naruto. "We're best buds, we are."

"Hn!" agrees Sasuke.

"Look, since the two of you finally managed to truly unite, I will re-bestow my power, that way I can finally go hang out in the afterlife," says the Sage. "Apparently they have very good newspapers there."

"So you're giving one of us your power?" asks Naruto, scratching his butt.

"No," says the Sage. "I am splitting it between you."

"Really?" says Sasuke. Then he scowls. "It figures, doesn't it? It took you how many thousand years to figure out that splitting the inheritance is the way to go?"

The Sage just sighs and says, "Hold out your dominant hands."

Naruto holds out his right hand, and Sasuke holds out his left. The Sage draws a symbol on the palm of each hand, then his presence fades and the two boys find themselves back in the cramped closet.

The closet door opens and Itachi stares down at them. "What are you doing in my closet?" he asks, confused.


	28. A Crazy World

"This time," mutters Orochimaru as the coffins holding the Second and First Hokage's fall open. "These ones better work!"

The First Hokage stretches and yawns. "They don't call it the eternal sleep for nothing," he says, scratching the small of his back.

The Second Hokage crosses his arms and glares at Orochimaru. "Why did you reanimate me?" he demands. "I already spent enough time in this Stupidity-infested world!"

"While we're here," says Hashirama, breaking Orochimaru's hold over the reanimation jutsu. "Let's go see how the Leaf is doing."

"Good idea," agrees Tobirama, also breaking the control that Orochimaru has over him. He grabs his brother by the back of his collar and hiraishins away. He ends up standing on his own carved head overlooking the Hidden Leaf.

"Um, can you let go of me now, please?" asks Hashirama.

"We're going to visit the current Kage-ship," says Tobirama, hiraishining into the Kage tower.

Itachi grabs his little brother and Naruto by their collars and drags them out of his closet. Sasuke manages to keep hold of his bucket of tomatoes - where did he get that, anyway? Itachi wonders. Thoroughly irritated, Itachi drags the two boys out of the house and through the Uchiha District.

As he passes various _Scotsmen_ , he hears them whispering things along the lines of " _Poor boy, having to raise his brother by himself_."

This irritates Itachi, but nearly as much as when he realizes the _Scotsmen_ are also whispering, " _Wonder what happened to their parents? Hiruzen refused to say_."

 _Damn you Lord Third!_ Thinks Itachi.

Itachi stops when he reaches the gates of the Uchiha District and throws his brother and Naruto out. "Go hide in someone else's closet!" he orders.

"Yes, Nii-san!" squeaks Sasuke, grabbing Naruto and scrambling away.

Itachi turns to go back home and wash the tomato juice out of his clothes.

Itachi stops in his tracks when he sees who is standing behind him looking very amused.

"Boys will be boys," says Itachi's Father.

"Who are all these people?" asks Itachi mother, gesturing around at the _Scottsmen_.

Itachi just stares.

"What?" says Mikoto, shrugging. "Orochimaru re animated us to do do his bidding, so we left and came to check up on our babies. So, how are you Itachi?" She pats his cheek.

"So, I see you do need glasses, then," says Fugaku. "Looks like Inabi ows each of us 500 yen, Mikoto."

"I'll help you root him out when we get back to the afterlife," promises Mikoto.

" _Who are these two, Itachi?_ " asks a nearby _Scotswoman_. Itachi is glad he used his sharingan to learn their language.

Speaking it is another matter to understanding it, though. The sounds feel so awkward on his tongue. " _My… mother… and...father._ " he manages to get the message across, unfortunately…

" _Aren't they dead_?"

Itachi nods.

" _Then how…?_ "

Itachi shrugs.

The message that the two new comers are Itachi and Sasuke's dead parents travels around the compound faster than Sasuke ran from Orochimaru.

Itachi is still getting over the shock of his parents turning up out of the blue when the Third Hokage turns up and gets pounced on by Mikoto. "DID YOU LOOK OUT FOR MY BABIES LIKE I TOLD YOU TO!?" demands Mikoto, pulling out a single-bladed scythe and threatening Lord Third with it, all the while radiating enough killing intent to scare Hidan out of several layers of skin.

"Um...yes?" the Third looks very nervous.

Mikoto instantly transforms into a happy, calm, sweet, innocent angel. The scythe vanishes. "Yay!" she says, smiling pleasantly.

Itachi glances over at his father to see the oddest look on Fugaku's face. Fugaku is grinning at Mikoto with an expression of bliss on his face and a trace amounts of spit sliding out of his mouth.

Itachi switches places with a flock of crows.

Tobirama Senju glares around at the shocked Leaf ninjas who work in the Kage tower and demands, "Where is the current Hokage?"

"Can you please let me go?" begs Hashirama.

"Shut up, nii-san!"

"Yes, Tobirama." Great, now his stupid brother is depressed.

"Um…" a ninja with spiky hair and a bandage over his nose speaks up. "The Fifth Hokage is in the council room-"

"Ohh, a Fifth!" Hashirama crows, recovering from his depression. "Who is it?"

"Your granddaughter Tsunade," says the ninja.

"Tsuna…" and just like that, the depression is back. "Is the village alright?"

"The village is fine!" snaps a female voice behind them.

"LADY TSUNADE!" the ninjas seem even more terrified than before.

Tobirama turns to see Tsunade striding towards them. It seems she has grown a lot since he and Hashirama died. Tsunade has a bottle of Sake in one hand and a ninja in the other.

The ninja in question takes one look at the reanimated Hokages and says, "Called it! Orochimaru is trying to create a reanimated army!"

"Shut up, Iruka!" snaps Tsunade, giving the man a good shake.

"What did Iruka do?" asks the ninja who spoke before.

"He is encroaching on my turf!" snaps Tsunade. "Tryin' to run my village! I'm starting to see why the Clan heads threw a party after we married him off to the Mizukage in the name of peace."

"Can I have that back, please?" says a woman wearing the Mizukage hat, as she appears on the stairs behind Tsunade.

"Sure, you're welcome to it," Tsunade dumps Iruka in the Mizukage's arms.

Tobirama sighs. It seems the shinobi world went insane while he was dead.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Please, no! Stop it Uncle Itachi!**

 _This one is dedicated to_ _ **The Keeper of Worlds.**_ _Rest assured your recipe for soup that both Naruto and Sasuke would like is probably in Konoha's best soups ever, even though it will never be mentioned in-story._

"Uncle," asks Sarada one day. "Why are there so few Uchihas?"

Itachi looks up from his newspaper. (He can understand why his father loved reading the things - there is so much interesting stuff in them!) Now how to answer that question? He knew it would come, and of course baby Tobirama will someday ask the same thing. Itachi regards his 12 year old niece seriously. "The very air has stupid," he says.

Sarada frowns. "I know," she says. "But what's that got to do with anything?"

Itachi snaps his fingers and says, "Cue the music." A catchy beat starts up. Itachi starts singing, "This was never the way I planned, not my intention, I got so brave, sword in hand, lost my discretion. It's not what good kin do, but hey, I can only do this once…"

Sarada looks absolutely horrified. As Itachi sings her horrified expression only gets worse.

"I killed my clan and I liked it," Itachi continues singing. He is enjoying this, even if not all of it is strictly true. "Even if I was ordered by ANBU, I killed my clan just to try it, hope my little brother don't mind it…"

By the time he finishes, Sarada looks like she is about ready to murder him on the spot. "I thought you were immune to stupid!" she snaps, apparently angrier that he broke into song than that he killed their clan.

"Adapting is fun," says Itachi.

Sarada is silent for so long that Itachi is tempted to check his watch - and he doesn't even have one, what decent ninja needs one of those to tell the time? Finally she throws her hands in the air and says, "I'm so ####ing done." Then she turns and walks off.

Itachi grins. At least now Sarada is mad at him for singing a stupid song instead of killing their extended family.

 _AN: to hear the song Itachi sung in full go to YouTube and look up 'NSTAS: Itachi I Killed My Clan', and watch the video by 'Canadian Jutsu'. The song doesn't start for a while, but everything Itachi says/sings from "cue the music" I have borrowed for this omake._


	29. Don't Sully My Boy!

"Hey, what are you boys doing?" asks Sakura as Naruto and Sasuke run past her like they got caught hiding in Itachi's closet.

Naruto grabs her arm and she finds herself being dragged along behind them. A few minutes later, Team Seven is squished into the bottom of Kakashi sensei's closet.

"So, are you two going to explain what's happening?"

"We got kicked out of Itachi's closet," says Sasuke.

 _Called it!_ Crows Inner Sakura. Sakura pushes a sleeve out of her face, then has an idea. "You know, while we're in here, there is something we _need_ to do, shannaro!" Looks like Inner is out for some fun.

"My 'Sasuke is Shut in a Closet with a Girl and a Pervert' senses are tingling," says Fugaku, snapping out of his stupor.

"Let's move," says Mikoto, heading in the direction of Sasuke's chakra. They arrive in Kakashi Hatake's apartment a few minutes later to find three children, one of whom is Sasuke, dressing up in the Copy Ninja's clothes. "AWW! YOU LOOK ADORABLE!" she pounces on Sasuke and hugs the stuffing out of him.

Fugaku glares down at the other two. "Which one of you thought it was a good idea to shut yourselves in a closet?" he demands, cracking his knuckles.

"Oh, it was Sasuke," says the blonde one, zipping up his pilfered jounin vest. "He was hiding in Itachi's closet, and then I joined him, we had a chat with the Sage of the Six Paths, who gave us each half his power; then Itachi found us and kicked us out and told us to hide in someone else's closet; so then we went to hide in Kakashi-sensei's closet and on the way we picked up Sakura; then she suggested dressing up in Kakashi-sensei's clothes, dattebayo."

"Who are you?" asks the pink thing.

"Naruto, Sakura - meet my parents!" says Sasuke, happily.

"You're that cool policeman!" shouts the blonde one, pointing at Fugaku.

"Heh," Fugaku rolls his eyes.

"Wow~" The blonde on looks very impressed.

Sasuke breaks free of his mother and glomps Fugaku. Fugaku picks Sasuke up under the arms and says, "You've gotten bigger."

"Well, I am 14 now," says Sasuke, grinning like a cat with the cream.

"WE MISSED HALF YOUR LIFE!" weeps Mikoto, hugging Sasuke, and by reason of close proximity, Fugaku as well.

"Hey, where did Itachi go?" asks Fugaku, realizing that Itachi is no longer with them.

"Who cares?" shrugs Sasuke, pouting.

"We do," says Fugaku, tossing Sasuke onto his shoulders and carrying him piggyback out of the Copy Ninja's apartment. "Come, pink thing and orange one."

"We have to go find Itachi," adds Mikoto, all sweet sunshine and fluffy rainbows.

 _Somebody is going to die,_ thinks Fugaku.

Kakashi is strolling down the street reading the fourth volume of Icha Icha. People are throwing him the usual 'how dare you read that in public' glare. But, hey; after days of training Naruto, he needs to read some...er... _educational_ material.

"What are you reading, Kakashi?" demands an angry voice.

Kakashi turns to see Fugaku Uchiha, with Sasuke hanging onto his shoulders, glaring kunai at him. "A book," says Kakashi, carefully sneaking the book into his pouch.

"It's porn!" calls Naruto from his position beside a happy looking Mikoto and a smug looking Sakura.

Fugaku's glare intensifies.

"It's well written adult literature with some love scenes!" says Kakashi defensively. "It's not smut."

"He made me read a passage when I asked him what sex is," says Sasuke.

"What. Passage." Fugaku's voice sounds like stones dropping.

Kakashi pulls out the appropriate volume, turns to the appropriate page and hands it to Fugaku.

Fugaku reads it.

The book goes up in flames.

"Sasuke," says Fugaku. "Everything you read in that book is physically impossible. Disregard it as false."

"Gladly," says Sasuke, sighing in relief. "That's disturbing and gross."

"Yes, Sasuke, it is," says Fugaku, sounding relieved. He glares at Kakashi, the message clear 'don't you dare ruin my baby's innocence'.

Kakashi notices something. "Why are you three wearing my clothes?"

"I'm wearing my own jounin vest," says Sasuke.

Sakura re ties her headband so it is sitting the same way Kakashi wears his.

Naruto pulls his headband down on an angle and sticks his tongue out.

"Come on," says Fugaku striding away. "We still need to find Itachi." Mikoto, Sakura and Naruto follow him.

Kakashi stares after the group trying to figure out what is wrong with what just happened.

Ah, well. It will come to him. In the meantime, he needs to get a new copy of that volume of Icha Icha.

A few minutes later, while he is carefully putting his new book on his bookshelf, Kakashi realizes what was wrong about that encounter.

Mikoto and Fugaku are dead.

He just met two reanimated shinobi.

Kakashi swears more violently than Kokuo, Gamabunta and Hidan put together.

How did he miss that?


	30. Poor Itachi

**Alternate Title: Fugaku Sums up the Plot of Naruto Shippuden**

Gaara hands Sanma back to Iruka.

"Get out of here," snaps Tsunade to Iruka. "And take that kid with you."

"I'm taking charge of this meeting," snaps the Second Hokage, also to Iruka. "You go do something that doesn't upset the balance of the world."

"Once I'm finished this meeting, I'll come and find you, so don't go too far, okay?" says Mei-chan sweetly, and gives him a suggestive wave before sauntering back into the meeting room with the other village leaders and the Second Hokage.

The First Hokage tries to follow, but the Second pushes him away by the face. "Not you! You go see how the village is doing, or something!"

"But Tobirama!" Whines the First Hokage.

"Scram!"

"Aww." The First sinks to the floor a black cloud hanging over his head.

"It's okay, Lord First," says Iruka. "I'll show you the town."

"Really?" the First instantly perks up. "How's the soup kitchen Madara and I founded doing?"

"'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER' is doing well," says Iruka. "Many new recipes have been added since your death."

"Really?" The Almighty First Hokage, hailed as the God of Shinobi, co founder of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, Hashirama Senju, grins up at Iruka in excitement and awe, with his hands clasped, his mouth open and stars in his eyes.

"Yes," says Iruka. "How about we go there?"

"Can I hold your baby?" asks the First Hokage, all hopeful and shy.

"Sure," says Iruka and hands Sanma to the First Hokage.

The Hokage holds Sanma like he is afraid of breaking him. Good thing Sanma is asleep, or the First Hokage would be on the receiving end of one of the little boy's babyish pranks.

Iruka guides the First Hokage through the village to 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.' and drags the zombie inside. Seeing Itachi sitting in a corner shoveling down spoonfuls of soup, Iruka heads over to him.

"Hi, Itachi," Iruka says. "What's got you so down?"

"My re animated parents turned up earlier," says Itachi. He's using actual words. That's a bad sign. "And I found Sasuke in my closet with a bucket of tomatoes and Naruto. They got tomato juice on my clothes! And the _Scotts_ keep being all sympathetic about my parents being dead, but they don't know I'm the one who did the killing!"

"It's okay, Itachi," says Iruka, giving Itachi a much-needed hug. "Your parents aren't the only re animations walking around. The First and Second Hokages are here too." He pats Itachi on the head.

"WHAT?" Itachi yells, then buries his head in his arms and starts bawling. "There is too much Crazy in the world! Damn you, Senju Clan and your Stupid disease!"

"Are you an Uchiha?" asks the First Hokage, his eyes widening in surprise. "I've never seen an Uchiha with glasses before!'

"Half the clan needed glasses," says an unmistakable voice. "But they were all too stubborn to admit it."

"MIKOTO SENSEI!" Iruka hugs his sensei in delight.

Then he sees what Team Seven is wearing. "Are you wearing Kakashi's clothes?" he asks through suppressed laughter.

"Yep," says Naruto. "Itachi kicked us out of his closet, so we went and hid in Kakashi-sensei's, but then Sakura suggested we dress up in his clothes, so we put them on over our own - except Sasuke, he's wearing his own jounin vest."

"Itachi, why did you disappear on us?" demands Fugaku, striding forward with Sasuke riding piggyback on his shoulders.

"I can't handle the Stupid!" whines Itachi. "I need a break!"

Fugaku sighed in exasperation and says, "What you need is to stop whining and go find yourself a girlfriend."

"So Sasuke isn't even allowed to know where babies come from, but you expect Itachi to get laid?" asks Naruto, crossing his arms.

Fugaku claps his hands over Sasuke's ears. "Do not speak like that in front of Sasuke!" then he sniffs defensively and says, "I don't expect Itachi to 'get laid' I expect him to find a girlfriend now that he is old enough."

"I had a girlfriend!" says Itachi. "But Tobi killed her!"

"Let's get you some tea," says Mikoto sensei, and goes off to order a pot of tea.

"Well," says Mikoto sensei when she gets back with Itachi's tea. "What have you been doing since my unfortunate shift to the land of the dead?'

"You make it sound like a minor inconvenience," says the First Hokage. Sanma wakes up and starts making noises that sound suspiciously like sniggering. "He's laughing at me!" says the First Hokage.

Mikoto peers suspiciously at Sanma. "Whose kid is that?'

"Mine," replies Iruka.

Mikoto sensei pulls a face. "You could've at least had a good-looking kid, ugh."

Iruka droops. Mikoto sensei is not proud. "But...but…"

"It's okay, Iruka-nii," says Naruto, patting Iruka on the shoulder. "Remember, Kurama reckons he'll grow out of it."

"I guess…"

"Oh, hello," says the Third Hokage, entering the soup kitchen. "I see you got yourselves re animated, Mikoto, Fugaku. And hello to you, too, Lord First."

"Why am I the only one who is actually reacting to your presence?" asks Itachi, sounding very...well... _done_.

"Drink your tea, son," says Fugaku, patting Itachi's back sympathetically. "You'll feel better after some nice, calming tea."

"Mind if I borrow Sasuke, Naruto and Iruka?" asks the Third.

"Make sure you bring Sasuke back soon," says Fugaku. "But not too soon. We need to calm Itachi down first, and get to the bottom of what's really troubling him."

"Will do," says the Third, and herds Naruto, Iruka and Sasuke to his house where Konohamaru and Asuma are playing a game of Shogi in the livingroom. Konohamaru is winning. The Third claps his hands together and says, "I brought back gifts for all of you. Wait here a moment while I get them."

Naruto sits down on the Third's couch, Sasuke heads to the kitchen to find some tomatoes, so Iruka follows him to ensure he doesn't destroy the Third's kitchen. Asuma and Konohamaru finish their game of shogi (Konohamaru wins).

The Third returns a short while later - but not before his house has been stripped of every tomato courtesy of Sasuke. Then he hands out the gifts. Well, kinda.

He hands Asuma a kilt of his own and a bottle of whisky, saying, "The _Scots_ say you might as well be _Scottish_." Then he turns to Konohamaru and says, "You know the bears I brought back?"

"Yes?" says Konohamaru.

"They're yours now."

"YES!" Konohamaru is incredibly happy about that.

"Naruto, this is for you," he hands Naruto a plushy sheep. "And this," he pulls out a scarf. "Is also yours, but your mother made it. I remembered it while I was away."

Naruto puts the scarf on straight away, even though it isn't a very cold day and he's already wearing two layers of clothing. Then he holds up the sheep and says, "I shall call you Baaruto!"

Asuma facepalms.

"Iruka, come with me," orders the Third. He leads Iruka outside, and the others follow out of curiosity. Once outside, the Third hands Iruka the reigns of a brown _English_ war horse. "Here's a horse. Now get on it, ride far, far away from me and don't come back too often, you pain in the ass."

"That's mean," says Naruto.

"1,128 losses out of 1,128 games of shogi, and NOW you realize the only way to stop losing to me is to get rid of me?" says Iruka, trying not to laugh.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Grooming Time.**

 _This one is for all the people (I couldn't be bothered making a list this time, it would take forever to scroll through the comments again: you know who you are!) who commented about Himawari in any way - even that one guy who wanted more Uzumaki family omakes._

The JUC, Akatsuki, Kage, minor county leaders and the Daimyos are having a Very Important Meeting About the Fate of the World and Himawari is sitting on the floor behind her Daddy's chair. She is not the only kid sitting in on the meeting. Gaara's kids, Karin's kids and Boruto are there too. The others are playing a quiet game of marbles, but Himawari is brushing little Kurama's fur. The other Bijuu are waiting patiently for their turns.

"Look, you shinobi practically run your countries anyway, so why don't you let us retire?" asks the Water Daimyo.

"Or at least appoint a leader to act as an overseer for the United Shinobi Nations," suggests the Fire Daimyo. "Before the Warring States Era, the Elemental Nations were just one nation, right? Now that we are all united, why don't we elect, say, a president to watch over us all?"

"You have got to be kidding," says the Extremely Old Tsuchikage. "You want to unite the entire elemental nations _just_ so you can retire?"

"No, it's so we have less paperwork," admits the Damiyo of the Land of Lightning. "If we had someone to handle all the inter-country relations we wouldn't have to do all that paperwork."

"So your plan is to elect a president over the Elemental Nations whose only real function will be doing your paperwork?" demands Roshi, with his arms crossed.

"Pretty much, yes."

Himawari ties a big, green velvet bow around Kurama's neck and moves on to the next bijuu.

"So exactly how much power would this president have?" asks Auntie Mizukage.

Himawari listens carefully as she brushes each bijuu and ties a green bow around their neck. She thinks they could be giving this 'president' more power. Whoever it is will end up being a glorified paperwork-doer. Silly Kages, they will do anything to get out of their paperwork. Don't they know that they have minions to it for them? They don't need to create a 'president' to do it for them.

"So are we all agreed about getting ourselves a glorified paper-pusher?" asks Gaara cheerfully.

A chorus of 'yeses' answers that question.

"Who shall we get?" asks A. "They can't be too old, and they either need to be incredibly gullible or have an iron will. I would prefer someone relatively young so we can train them properly…"

"Hima-chan will do it!" Himawari speaks up. It is time to pull her Incredibly Adorable - So Adorable You Cannot Refuse, Even Though You Know You Should card. "Hima-chan wants to be president!"

Everyone in the room stops what they are doing to stare at Himawari, who smiles winningly.

"Hima-chan, why do you want to be president?" asks Uncle Nagato seriously.

"Because Hima-chan thinks being president will be fun!" smiles Himawari winningly. They better f###ing make her the president or she will murder them all in their sleep.

"I support this," says Kurama.

"Well, she does fit all the requirements," says her Daddy. "And by the time we iron out all the details and arrange everything and do the paperwork, she will be old enough to handle the responsibility."

"How long do you think this is going to take?" demands Uncle Gaara.

"Probably about a year."

"Well, then, in a year's time, Himawari will be made the president of the Elemental Nations," says the Daimyo of the Land of Earth.

Himawari smiles happily. Step one in her world domination plan is complete.


	31. The Grim Reaper Looses a Battle

Mei is not in the mood for a war council. What she is in the mood for would make Icha Icha look like children's literature. But, a war council is what the village leaders are doing, so she has to attend it.

"Right, losers," says the Second Hokage, obviously he is in charge now. "As you probably already figured out, some people are trying to create a re animated army. The guy who re animated myself and my brother is Orochimaru, or something. Who wants to help me hunt him down and kill him?"

"Straight to the point - no messing about," says Nagato. "I like it."

"I'll be on the task force," says Oonoki.

"Do you know what?" says Nagato, grinning. "Let's ALL be on the task force!"

"Yes!" agrees Tsunade.

"Glad you suggested it," grins A.

"Can I bring my siblings?" asks Gaara.

"Can I bring Iruka?" asks Mei.

"Yes Gaara; what purpose will he serve, Mei?" replies Oonoki.

"Iruka is the Prank King," says Mei.

"We're bringing him," says A firmly.

"Riiiiight," says the Second Hokage, sarcastically. "Who else are you 'bringing'?"

"Akatsuki," says Nagato.

"The JUC," says Tsunade.

"How about Team Taka?" asks Konan from her position beside Nagato.

"They can look after things while we're away," says Nagato. "But we better include the rest of Team Seven if we're bringing Naruto and Sasuke."

"Good point," agrees Tsunade nodding. "Let's bring a few Hyuugas as well, for surveillance. And we had better bring the other reanimation."

"Isn't that re animation your Grandfather?"

"Yeah, he is," shrugs Tsunade.

"We should all bring some food so we can have lunch after we're finished taking care of Team Tsuki no Me," suggests Mei, mentally smirking because picnics are romantic and she is bringing Iruka.

"Konan will take care of the drinks," says Nagato.

"I have a supplier," says Konan, with absolutely no expression on her face.

"Cool, so it's all settled then," says the Second Hokage. "Tsunade, get the three Hyuuga's with the prettiest hair - that's how they decide things, so you might as well cut corners and ask for what they'll end up giving you anyway. We will leave first thing in the morning. We should be able to get to Orochimaru and get rid of this 'Team Tsuki no Me' in time for lunch. Then I can get back to being dead."

"Well, I guess that concludes the meeting, then," says Tsunade, getting up. "I'll go tell Hiashi I need him and the two Hyuugas with hair as pretty as his."

Mei leaves to go find Iruka and Sanma. Hopefully they didn't wander too far. She follows her 'my baby is this way' instincts to a soup kitchen called 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER'. Sanma is being cuddled by the First Hokage, while two reanimated shinobi pat Itachi on the back and listen to him pour out his woes. There are a lot.

"And you are?" asks the woman, when she sees Mei heading towards them.

"The Mizukage," replies Mei. "I'm here for my man and my baby. I don't see my man, so I'll be taking my baby, thank you, First Hokage." She goes to take Sanma.

"How did someone as hot as you give birth to that ugly thing?" asks the woman.

Mei's eye twitches. "Did you just call my baby ugly?" asks Mei very calmly, turning to face the woman.

"Why, yes, yes I did. Got a problem with that?"

Mei grabs the woman by the front of her dress. "Let's take this outside where there's room." She drags the woman to the nearest training ground.

Iruka, Naruto and Sasuke head back to 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER' with the gifts the Third Hokage gave them. Naruto hasn't stopped cuddling Baaruto and Iruka's horse seems to have caught the Senju Stupid. Sasuke's gift was a _scottish_ made sword. Iruka is not sure how that will go down with Fugaku and Mikoto.

Iruka senses Mikoto, Fugaku, Itachi and the First's chakra start to move, so he changes course and follows their chakra. When he catches up to them, he sees the most amazing sight. And instantly covers Sasuke's eyes.

Mikoto sensei and Mei-chan are locked in combat in the middle of a training ground.

Fugaku is watching with his hand over Itachi's eyes. Standing beside them is the First, who is staring open-mouthed at the fighting woman, and Sakura, who is taking notes on their technique. Sanma is giggling - probably at the First's face.

"Wow," says Naruto. "No wonder you covered Sasuke's eyes. No one should see their own mother look so sexy." Then he grins. "I just got an idea for a new sexy jutsu."

"Naruto!" scolds Iruka. "Don't use Mikoto sensei for inspiration! Jiraiya tried it once - ONCE."

"Oh," Naruto looks suitably afraid.

 _BOOM!_

The training ground now resembles a volcano of doom.

Mikoto sensei is laughing maniacally, her scythe out and her skin completely black. Mei is in Mama Bear Mode.

Iruka isn't sure which is scarier. His wife or his sensei. Eventually he decides his wife is scarier.

Against all odds, Mei-chan beats down the Grim Reaper, and separates her from that deadly scythe. "Apologize!" growls Mei, stomping hard on Mikoto sensei.

"Alright, alright!" gasps out Mikoto sensei. "I'm sorry I called you kid ugly."

Iruka smiles. And she should apologize too.

Mei smiles wickedly. "Don't EVER call my baby ugly, understand?"

"Message received loud and clear!" says Mikoto, wincing.

Mei allows her to get up out of the dirt. "Oh, Iruka, you're here!" she smiles at Iruka.

"Iruka, why did you marry this woman?" demands Mikoto, marching over to Iruka, with an angry scowl on her face.

"Because I love her," says Iruka calmly. "That and there was some s### about a peace treaty with the Mist, or something. I forget."

"Oh, well, that's alright, then," smiles Mikoto sensei. She pats him on the head. "Sensei is proud of you."

Iruka sighs in relief.

"Well, everyone," says Mei. "Tomorrow morning we will set out for whereever Team Tsuki no Me is - the Second Hokage will lead the way - and then we will have a picnic. Oh, and there will be fighting involved before lunch - I wasn't paying attention. But you all get to come."


	32. The Picnic Takes Priority

Kurama battles himself, desperate to convince his other half that he has not gone soft. He tries to tell the darker half of his chakra about his and Naruto's adventures, and how Naruto accepted him.

But something odd is happening to the other half of Kurama.

It seems that before he met Naruto, Kurama did not have the Senju Stupid. But now, half of Kurama has it and half of him does not.

The half of him that does not also happened to spend the last few years in the belly of a shinigami.

However, that half is rapidly catching the Senju Stupid. If there is anything Kurama has learned about the Senju Stupid it's that once you catch it your entire view on life changes drastically. All he really needs to do is bide his time until the other half of his chakra is completely infected and…

"I see…" says the other half of Kurama. "The boy is the one Father told us to wait for."

Bingo. (Yet another game they forgot to play when they met up with Dad. Maybe he can convince the JUC at the next meeting?)

Anyway, back to his internal struggle."That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last day!" snaps Kurama. "So can we get back to being one person, or are you going to keep up this split personality nonsense?"

 _Naruto! Hey Naruto!_ Kurama's voice echos through Naruto's sleepy mind. _Don't you have a picnic to be going to?_

 _Kurama!_ Naruto is wide awake instantly. _You finished fighting yourself! One moment;_ Naruto makes a hand seal and Kurama appears beside him in miniature. "There!" grins Naruto. "Now let's get ready for that picnic!" he scratches the back of his head. "Oh yeah, there'll be a fight before lunch. Better take my prank kit."

"What about your ninja gear?" asks Kurama.

"Oh, I keep that in my prank kit as of last night. You were fighting yourself, so you don't know." Naruto shovels down some breakfast, puts on his JUC uniform and zooms around to Sakura's house to see if she is ready. She is just leaving so they head to the Uchiha compound together. Sasuke and Itachi are eating breakfast with their parent who seem to have discovered that, yes reanimations can eat - although they don't need to.

"So, are you guys gonna be ready this side of tomorrow?" asks Sakura.

Fugaku looks up from his newspaper. "Oh, we don't need to leave for another half hour. Why don't you two sit down and have some food - there's plenty, since Mikoto and I don't really need to eat."

"Sweet!" says Naruto and sits down. Kurama sniffs around the re animations and eventually curls up on Sasuke's lap for a short nap. "Lazy fox," mutters Naruto.

"Sasuke, stop eating so fast!" snaps Sakura. "You'll choke again."

Sasuke glares at Sakura and promptly starts choking on his mouthful of tomatoes.

"You see my point?" says Sakura, making an 'as I said' gesture

Iruka and Mei leave Sanma with Yoshino Nara and head to the gates to wait for the rest of the picnic task force. Akatsuki is already there and it seems they managed to unearth Jiraiya and drag him into it. Soon the various members of the JUC start turning up. Last of the JUC to arrive is Naruto, who brings the Uchihas and Sakura. Soon after, The Hokage's 1-3 and 5 turn up with Kakashi.

"So I guess we're just waiting for the Hyuugas we ordered," says Tsunade, after surveying who is assembled at the gates.

"We're also waiting on the other Kages, Temari and Kankuro," points out Mei. "I wasn't paying attention and I remember they were on the guest list."

"What is this, a picnic?" demands Hiashi Hyuuga, choosing that moment to exercise his impeccable timing. On either side of him are Neji and Hinata.

"NEJI!" Fu leaps forward and hugs Neji.

"Naruto!" Hinata tries to hug Naruto, but Hiashi intercepts her.

"None of that," he says. "You know the rules about physical contact."

Fugaku rubs his eyes. "Are my eyes deceiving me, or are you actually good at parenting now, Hiashi?"

"You said yourself that Facts Of Life can be changed," says Hiashi. "So I set about changing the Fact Of Life that dictated I am bad with children."

"Good," says Fugaku, crossing his arms and nodding.

"Where did these two re animations come from?" asks the Tsuchikage, floating up to the assembled group. Behind him are the Raikage and the Sand kids.

"Gaara, you weren't supposed to leave without us!" scolds Temari, bopping her brother on the head.

"But you weren't ready, and-" Gaara tries to protest.

"No excuses!" snaps Temari.

"Are we all here?" asks the Second Hokage. "And who are the extra Uchihas? Also, who is this guy?" he points at Jiraiya.

"This is one of my students, Jiraiya," says The Third Hokage.

"We are Sasuke and Itachi's parents," says Mikoto sensei. "We got re animated too, so we broke the jutsu and came to check on our babies."

"As good parents should," says Hiashi, nodding.

"Great, so if everyone's here, can we be on our way?" says Tsunade.

"Did everyone bring food for the picnic?" asks Mei. "I would hate to get there and find we forgot the most important part of the trip."

A chorus of affirmatives follows that question.

"Well, then, let's go," says The Second Hokage. "I would hate for us to get there and not have enough time to wrap up the fighting in time for lunch."

And with that, the group heads off to fight a battle in order to work up an appetite for their planned picnic.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **A Dire Emergency.**

 _Dedicated to that guest (whoever they are) for the idea._

Sasuke wakes up one morning to find Sakura lying on top of him. There is blood on her nightie.

Sasuke yells in fright. "Sakura, you're dying!"

Sakura snaps awake. "What are you on about?" she demands. "I feel fine!"

"But…" Sasuke points wide-eyed at the blood on Sakura's nightie. "What about all that blood?"

Sakura looks down and sees the blood. Then she sighs. "This is perfectly normal, Sasuke. Come over here and let me explain." she pats the space beside her on the bed.

 _Some 15 years later..._

"DADDY!" screams Sarada, running into the kitchen where Sasuke is trying to resist the urge to turn the bowl of tomatoes on the bench into soup. He came in here for a glass of water, damn it!

"Yes, Sarada?" he says, turning to his daughter as the desire to make soup ebbs away.

"I have my period!"

Sasuke drops his glass of water. ###############! He's not ready for this! Sarada is only 14! She's not ready for this either!

"What should I do?" panics Sarada.

"Call your mother!" suggest Sasuke, starting to panic himself.

"She's performing brain surgery!"

"Then call your grandmother!"

"She's on holiday in another village!"

"Then call your other grandmother!"

"She's dead!"

"Follow me!" Sasuke runs into his and Sakura's bedroom, with Sarada tagging along behind. He opens one of Sakura's drawers and pulls out a box of the tampon-things she uses when she on her period. "I think these are what you need!" he hands the box to Sarada.

Sarada pulls out one and stares at it in horror. "I'm not putting that up my-"

Sasuke puts his hand over her mouth. "I have a better idea!" He picks up the scroll he keeps on the dressing table. It is labeled 'For use only in a dire emergency'.

"Is this a dire emergency?" asks Sarada in a panic.

"Mummy gave me this after she got reanimated," says Sasuke. "She said it will be most useful for parental emergencies."

"THEN USE IT!"

Sasuke opens the scroll. There is a burst of smoke and Sasuke's Mum appears with his Dad under one arm.

"You just had to reanimate us when we were heading off to get ice cream," grumbles Sasuke's Dad.

"This better be important," says his Mum.

"My daughter has her period," says Sasuke.

"And Mummy is performing a brain surgery," adds Sarada.

"I'm trying to take a nap!" grumbles a child's voice from the doorway. "Could you all shut up?"

Sasuke turns to see his four-year old son standing in the doorway, with Sasuke's old green dinosaur in one hand, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Sorry, Chibi-Tobi," he says.

"Did you finally decide to start talking then?" asks Sarada.

"Hm," grunts Chibi-Tobi, meaning 'obviously'.

 _Several Hours Later..._

Sakura yawns as she opens her front door, tired after the brain surgery. She hears voices yelling and talking over the top of eachother. One of them she does not recognize, but the rest of them she does. Curiosity aroused, she creeps forward and sneaks a peek into the living room. Itachi, all 20 of his clone-kids, Sarada, Chibi-Tobi, Sasuke and Sasuke's parents are there.

"...and then I arrested him in the name of the law!" Sasuke finishes his story triumphantly.

"See, Daddy is an awesome policeman!" yells Chibi-Tobi. So that's the voice Sakura didn't recognize. Chibi-Tobi finally started talking after years of refusing to even speak Uchiha - and she was performing brain surgery when it happened!


	33. Oh Look, More Reanimations

"This looks like a good spot for our picnic," says Hashirama, surveying the field the Task Force has stopped in for a quick breather and so the re animations can get a better sense of where Orochimaru is. He has been moving around a lot since they left the village.

"Yes, it is," agrees Tobirama. "Now all we need is a fight to work up an appetite."

Right on cue, coffins start rising up out of the ground. There are twelve of them, making Tobirama wonder what twelve people could possibly be considered enough to take down the Task Force.

"Who are all those guys?" asks Naruto, staring as the coffin lids start to fall open.

"The First Kazekage," Gaara says blandly. "The Second Kazekage, the Third Kazekage, the Fourth Kazekage."

"The First Raikage," the Fourth Raikage takes over. "The Second Raikage, The Third Raikage."

"The First Tsuchikage and the Second Tsuchikage," pitches in the Third Tsuchikage.

"The First Mizukage, The Second Mizukage and the Third Mizukage," finishes the Fifth Mizukage.

"It seems they tried to re animate all the dead Kage," comments Hiruzen. "Oh Orochimaru; how far you have fallen."

"Hey guys!" yells Hashirama, waking to the reanimated Kage. "We're gonna have a picnic! Wanna join us?"

The Kages turn to look at the Task Force.

"It's that annoying Hashirama," groans the First Raikage.

"Hey, hey, Gaara," asks Naruto, poking Gaara's shoulder. "Is that grumpy looking guy your dad?"

"Yes," confirms Gaara, as all eyes zero in on the Fourth Kazekage.

"Hey, Kazekage, your kid has no eyebrows, just like me," says the eyebrowless Second Mizukage. "I like him already!"

Oonoki marches up to the Fourth Kazekage. "You are an awful father!" he growls, jabbing the younger man in the chest. "Why would you be so cruel to such a precious little cinnamon roll?"

"Yeah," chimes in Deidara of Akatsuki, putting his arm around Gaara's shoulders. "Gaara is such a sweet kid, he's almost too precious to be a shinobi."

Then Shukaku jumps at the Fourth Kazekage, hits him in the face with his tail, and says, "Fathers are supposed to love their kids, not try to kill them!"

"Gaara's Dad tried to kill Gaara?" asks the odd girl, Fu. "What did Gaara's Mum say about that, since, you know, Gaara's Mum turned herself into Sand, sealed herself to Gaara and follows Gaara around so she can protect him?"

"Yet another example of good mothering," nods Mikoto.

The Sand inside Gaara's gourd spills out onto the ground, takes the form of a woman and marches straight up to the Fourth Kazekage. She punches him into a nearby tree and says, "That's for turning our precious baby into a psychotic killer!"

All the Kage's faces go blank and they start molding chakra.

"Well, it looks like they're going to be forced to attack us," sighs Tobirama.

"I'll handle this," says Mikoto. "Fugaku!" she signals to him.

Fugaku jumps forward and the two of them start making hand signs by joining all four of their hands together. "Reanimation: Multi release!" they slam their hands onto the ground and a seal appears in the grass. The Kages stop in their tracks.

"Er… how did you do that?" asks the Second Tsuchikage.

"We are Uchihas." Fugaku crosses his arms. "We used our fabulous good looks and charm."

"I provide the good looks and he provides the charm," adds Mikoto.

"So, why have we been summoned back to the Land of the Living?" asks the Fourth Raikage.

"Some guys who call themselves Team Tsuki no Me are trying to put a guy called Tobi's eye on the moon," says Nagato. "So the Kages, the Akatsuki and the JUC banded together to have a picnic. Beating up Team Tsuki no Me is the planned activity for the picnic."

"Nice," the Second Mizukage nods. "So who's the current Mizukage?"

"I am," says Mei, raising her hand to eye level.

"Cool, a female Mizukage. What's your name?"

"You're Mei Terumi, right?" says the Fourth Kazekage.

"Not anymore - I got married," she says smugly. "I am Mei Umino now."

"Oonoki!" snaps the Second Tsuchikage. "Why are you co operating with the other villages?"

"For peace," says Oonoki. "And because this little boy had never had ice cream." he puts his arm around Gaara.

"What? How?" the other Kages start exchanging looks of shock and horror. Some of them pat Gaara consolingly. The Fourth Kazekage just rolls his eyes.

"That right there is terrible parenting," says Hiashi Hyuuga, shaking his head in disbelief. "Even during the time before I made an effort to be a good parent I knew that one must take one's children out for ice cream at least once a summer."

"You only have two children!" snaps Tsunade. "And they are pretty demanding."

"Excuse me, but you forgot to count Neji," says Hiashi, offended.

"I don't count Neji - he's your brother's kid!"

"I count Neji BECAUSE he's my brother's kid!"

"Now, now, you two," says Iruka, pushing the Hokage and the Hyuuga Clan leader apart. "Don't ruin the picnic by arguing over how much blood ties matter in a family."

"So… what do we now?" asks Kankuro. "I came to help kick some ass, but there's no ass to kick."

"Be patient," says Sasori. "Once they realize that sending re animations at us won't work, they will come themselves."

"Until, then we can chat with the dear departed," says Mikoto a little _too_ absentmindedly.

"What if this Tobi guy manages to get his eye on the moon?" asks the First Kazekage frowning.

"Oh, he needs all the Jinchuuriki for that," says Nagato flippantly.

"So of course you brought the entire Jinchuuriki United Club," sighs Tobirama, facepalming.

"Of course they did, they all have the Senju Stupid," sighs Roshi.

"Hey, ###############################s," says Kokuo. "That over there looks a #### of a lot like a ####ing new set of ##### reanimations for us to #### up."

"Wow that's quite the potty mouth you have," says the Second Mizukage charismatically, as more coffins start to rise from the ground.


	34. Yay, The Fight's Here!

"Overpowering us won't work," says Naruto, crossing his arms. "So what are they going to try throwing at us now?"

"Emotional blackmail," says Kakashi-sensei, and sighs.

"Who are those guys, Kakashi-sensei?" asks Naruto.

Kakashi surveys the opening coffins. "Hmm...well, there's Rin Nohara, Hizashi Hyuuga, my father-"

"My father is there too," adds in the Second Hokage. "Along with Madara's father."

"And Uncle Yashamaru," says Temari, staring.

"Dan and Nawaki…" Granny Tsunade puts her hand over her mouth in horror.

"What…!" a cry from Sakura distracts Naruto.

He follows her gaze. "Zabuza and Haku!"

 _You know, I'm surprised,_ says Minato. _They reanimated Rin, but not Obito? That seems odd._

 _Who are they, Dad?_ Naruto asks, confused.

 _They were my students, along with Kakashi. They both died, Obito died saving Kakashi, and Rin threw herself on Kakashi's chidori._

 _I wonder why?_ Muses Naruto. _I guess we can ask her._ He waves to the reanimated girl. "HEY! HEY RIN!"

She turns to look at him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'ttebayo! Why'd ya kill herself?"

"Um…" she looks surprised.

"I can answer that," says Isobu. "I was sealed into her with a timed seal that would release itself once she returned to the Hidden Leaf. She was saving her village."

"Nice," says Naruto, impressed. "Kakashi-sensei, your teammate is cool." He surveys the rest of the reanimations. Then he points and laughs at the one with black hair that is shaved on the bottom. "Your hair is stupid!"

"Um, Naruto," says The First Hokage. "That's Madara's Dad. He could straight up kill you."

"Pfft, what are you on?" Naruto laughs. "I could prank that loser into the middle of next year."

"So, you're like, my ancestor?" asks Sasuke, pointing at Madara's Dad. "Now I know where the duck-hair comes from. YOU."

"Except that duck has a shaved butt!" laughs Naruto.

"Who are these kids?" demands Madara's Dad angrily.

"I'm Sasuke Uchiha," says Sasuke. "The Sage of Six Paths said something about me being the reincarnation of Madara, or whatever."

"Oh yeah," remembers Naruto. "And I'm Hashirama's reincarnation, aren't I?"

"Hashirama!" snaps the guy with the dippy head scarf. "What have I said about co operating with Uchihas!"

"WE FOUNDED A VILLAGE TOGETHER!" shouts the First Hokage, defensively. "Madara called it 'The Village Hidden in the Leaves'. It's flourishing!"

"And absolutely riddled with the Senju Stupid," says Tobirama, rolling his eyes.

"I'm afraid we are about to be forced to fight you," interrupts the guy with the white hair. "I'm sorry, but we have no choice."

"Fugaku!" orders Sasuke's Mum. Sasuke's Dad nods and helps Sasuke's Mum do the jutsu to free the reanimations from Orochi-pedo's control. "Now that that's done," Sasuke's mum says, dusting her hands. "Can we get back to chatting while we wait for Team Tsuki no Me to turn up or at least send us a fight?"

"Sure," says Kakashi. "Let's just all stand around talking instead of, I don't know, fighting the war we're supposed to be fighting."

"Look, Kakashi-sensei," says Naruto patiently. "Your one eyed vision might be making it harder for you to see what's actually going on here, but NO ONE in the Task Force considers this a war. Tobi was just talking big to get attention."

"Heh, Kakashi, it looks like your kids are growing up," says Zabuza, grinning.

"You know," says Sakura. "There is a chance that the enemy has another wave of re animations coming."

"Yeah, what else are they gonna throw at us," sniggers Naruto. "Unless they can get 'Madara I-can-pull-the-Rinnegan-out-of-my-butt friggin-unbeatable Uchiha'. Then I might consider actually caring."

"Or how about if they revive Kaguya?" suggests Sasuke laughing. "You could just use that reverse sexy jutsu that Konohamaru came up with, then we can use the power of the Sage of Six Paper Clips to beat her."

"That would be...Bwahaha!" Sakura starts laughing so hard she has to hold her stomach.

Kakashi-sensei walks over to the man with the silver hair. "Come join us, Dad," he says, guiding his confused looking Dad over to the Task Force.

Neji sidles forward approaching the guy who looks just like Hinata's Dad. "Um," he says shyly, then hugs the man. "I missed you Dad!"

"Aw, Neji," says the man smiling.

Fu zooms forward and starts flitting around Neji's Dad. "You are Neji's Dad?" she asks. "I am Fu! Fu is Neji's girlfriend!" she clasps her hands together. "Will you be Fu's friend?"

Neji's Dad smiles. "Aren't you a bit young to be in a relationship?" he asks, but he sounds pleased. "All the same, I am glad you turned out okay, and made bonds with the people around you, even though I was not there." He smiles at Fu. "You even found a nice girl with good hair. And yes, Fu. I will be your friend."

"YAY!" Fu claps her hands and hugs neji's Dad.

"Is it just me, or have parents gone soft?" whispers Madara's Dad to the Head-scarf guy.

"Oh, my youngest kid could kick your butt," says Hiashi san, grinning. "Make no mistake, showing love to your children is not a sign of a weak parent - in fact your children will be strong if you love them. At least that's what the parenting book I got from the mail order catalogue I nicked from the mission office and should probably return sometime says."

"So YOU are the one who pinched that!" says Iruka, triumphantly. "I wondered who took it and forgot to put it back."

The ground begins to shake.

White things start to rise from the grass.

"ZETSU CLONES!" shouts Nagato-niisan. "Don't let them touch you!"

"WOOHOO!" Yells Sasuke's Mum. "Time for some fun!" she pulls her scythe out of….somewhere.

A figure strides towards them through the mass of white zetsus.

"Is that…?" says The Third Hokage sounding scared.

"Oh my Kishimoto." Fugaku does not sound happy.


	35. Why Fugaku Never Let Them Watch

"Madara?" says Hashirama, staring.

Madara grins crazily. "HASHIRAMA! LET'S DANCE!" he waves his warfan in an arc.

"I'm probably the only person here who can take Madara," says Hashirama. "The rest of you take care of the white guys." He draws his sword. "This is what I came on this picnic for." Madara and Hashirama charge each other and begin to spar cheerfully.

The other members of the Task Force leap into action. Father carefully steers Sasuke away from Mother, who is following Hidan into battle. It seems the two Jashinists will fight side by side.

Deidara finds a space and starts blowing up Zetsus. Sasori and Kankuro whip out their puppets and start attacking the Zetsus with them.

Jiraiya turns his hair into a needle-launcher, while Naruto finds some space and sends what looks like a cross between a Fuma shuriken and a Rasengan into the army of clones. Sakura and Tsunade start breaking the ground and the body of any Zetsu that gets close to them.

Kakazu counts all the Zetsus he kills with his tentacle monsters, probably planning on getting paid by the Zetsu for his services.

Nagato seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself, he has taken up a position beside Sasuke, and the two of them are Almighty Pushing everything in sight, with Sasuke throwing in the occasional Chidori. Beside them, with his body blocking any view Sasuke might have of Mother, is Father, who is beating up the Zetsu's with a rolled up newspaper.

Konan is flying over the battlefield on paper wings, sending sharp paper projectiles into the mass of Zetsus. Flying with her are Chomei and Fu, who are breathing some kind of sparkly gas over the Zetsus.

The Jinchuuriki have let their Tailed Beasts out in full size and at full power. At the rate the JUC is plowing through the Zetsus, they should be done well before lunch time.

The recently freed reanimations are fighting too. Gaara is fighting with his sister on one side and his uncle on the other. Kakashi senpai is fighting in sync with his father and Rin senpai. Zabuza and Haku are fighting alongside Kisame, causing mass watery devastation. Tsunade's deceased brother and boyfriend have banded together to take out the Zetsus closest to them. The rest of the reanimated Kages on the other hand appear to be trying to out do each other with landscape rearranging moves, (although a few of them are fighting each other, leaving many dead zetsus as part of their collateral damage).

Mei and Iruka also seem to be having fun devastating their section of the battlefield with the help of Oonoki and A. Although Iruka's pranks seem to be doing the most damage.

Madara and Hashirama's respective fathers are fighting each other. Oh well.

The four Hyuugas are gentle-fisting every Zetsu close to them.

All of this Itachi notices while he is taking off his glasses and putting them in a safe place. Then he activates his Sharingan, pulls out some Kunai and starts throwing them at the Zetsus nearest him. Eventually Itachi's fighting brings him to where his Mother and Hidan are sacrificing every Zetsu in their path to Jashin.

Itachi takes one look at his Mother and knows instantly why his Father always covered his and Sasuke's eyes when their Mother fought in earnest. All she is wearing is a black boobtube and a very tiny pair of black shorts. However, her entire body is black, so it kinda looks like she is naked.

"Oh, hey Itachi," says his mother, slicing apart about ten Zetsus in one hit.

"So…" Itachi isn't sure how to ask this question. "Why are your techniques so similar to Hidan's?"

"Yeah, I'm wondering that too," chimes in Hidan, as he slices up some zetsus.

"My techniques are so similar to Hidan's," Mother explains as she butchers more Zetsus. "Because his techniques are based off mine. My techniques were such a big success that the order copied them and adapted them for non sharingan users."

"Non Sharingan users?" asks Hidan. "You mean this style was developed for use with the Sharingan?"

"Yes," says Mother. "Look at my eyes. Do you see it?"

Itachi and Hidan look carefully at Mother's eyes. They are in the form of a mangekyou Sharingan, but her mangekyou forms the symbol of Jashin.

"My eyes are the circle. I can never step out of it," she explains. "The only way to break it is to gouge out both my eyes - and trust me when I say you would be dead before you even finished thinking of doing that." She nonchalantly goes back to killing Zetsus.

"So why is your skin black?" asks Itachi. "Hidan has a skeleton on his…"

"That is because I am not immortal like Hidan." She kicks a zetsu away. "The black skin is a shield that repairs any damage I take instantly. Observe:" she stabs herself in the leg. All the zetsus promptly fall over with puncture wounds in their legs. Mother pulls out the scythe, to reveal that her skin is undamaged.

"Now I know why Father never let us watch you fight," comments Itachi.

"Do you know why your father stopped being so happy all the time?" asks Mother, killing another 30 zetsus.

"No, why?"

"Because you and Sasuke stopped calling him Daddy."

Itachi stops moving in shock.

Hidan starts laughing. "Sounds like he was pretty butthurt!"

"If you want your Dad to start being happy again, start calling him Dad, okay?" Mother kills a handful of zetsu. "And stop calling me Mother," she adds. "It's Mum, understand?"

"Yes Mum," says Itachi.

Hidan is laughing too hard to fight now, and has accidentally stabbed himself in the heart with his scythe. All the zetsus fall over dead.

"We were trying to avoid that happening!" scolds Mum.

"Aw, all the Zetsus are gone!" pouts Naruto. "I was having fun!"

"I guess that just leaves Madara," comments Tobirama.

"Well, let's go help fight him then!" says Fugaku, slapping his newspaper against his palm.

Tsunade grabs Madara and Hashirama's fathers by their collars and gives them a good shake. "That's enough of that!" she scolds.

"And who the Bloody Hell are you?" demands Hashirama's father.

"Your Great Granddaughter!" grows Tsunade, giver her Great Grandfather another shake.

"Whoa, hold everything!" Iruka walks through the battlefield with his arms half raised in a 'cease conflict' gesture. "It's time to stop for lunch."

They all check the time.

"Oh, yeah, seems we aren't finished in time for lunch after all," sighs Hashirama, lowering his sword. "Sorry Madara, gotta stop for lunch. You're welcome to join us."

"WOO!" yells Naruto. "Time for the First Shinobi Picnic!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Twinkle Twinkle, Little... _Lava?_**

 _Dedicated to_ _**jankitty13**_ _for requesting some Sanma-Boruto bonding._

"Hey Bolt!" Sanma climbs in through Boruto's bedroom window.

Boruto glares at Sanma. "Don't call me Bolt!"

"That response is so cliché," says Sanma, patting Boruto on the head. "You need to start being original."

"Who gave you the right to act like my big brother?" demands Boruto.

"I gave me the right," grins Sanma. "Now do you want to help me with a prank I've been planning for ages?"

"Who's it on?"

"The entire Leaf Village."

"Count me in, bro!"

The next morning, there is a stir in the Leaf Village. People rush outside to see what all the fuss is about, only to be frozen in amazement.

All over the village, hanging between every building and plant, is a network of delicate wires. Hanging from the wires are millions of tiny water droplets, which sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight.

"What is this?" asks Sakura in awe, as she leans out her bedroom window to get a better look.

"I don't remember it raining last night," says Kakashi, who notices if the temperature changes by one degree.

"How is that a prank?" Boruto asks Sanma from their position on top of the Third Hokage's stone head. "It didn't trap anybody or upset anybody or…"

"Bolt," says Sanma. "Not every prank is bad. There is such a thing as a harmless prank. Although, they are going to spend the entire day wondering how this got set up without ANBU noticing, and where the water came from."

"Where did the water come from?" asks Boruto. "It just suddenly appeared."

"It's my latest technique. The Cover Everything in Dew Drops no Jutsu."

"That's sound really useless in combat."

Sanma grins, holding up a finger. "Not if the dew drops are made of lava."


	36. Gotta Catch 'em All?

"What the hell are you all doing?" demands Madara. "Are you all infected with the Senju Stupid, or something? We are in the middle of a fight!"

"I'm not infected," says Tobirama.

"Nor am I," adds Itachi.

"Or me," chimes in Roshi.

They turn back to setting up the picnic. The Hyuugas pull out a giant picnic blanket, which Neji got off Tenten. Somebody pulls out a portable barbeque and someone else produces pre-cooked picnic sausages. Sasuke pulls out several buckets of tomatoes and Konan produces a ton of L&P. Someone produces a basketful of bread rolls. Someone else pulls out a giant box of rice balls. They continue to unpack their picnic nonchalantly while Madara fumes and paces and tries to get them to pay attention to him.

"Just join the picnic," says Roshi, rolling his eyes. "It will be over in a couple of hours anyway."

"I can't wait a couple of hours!" complains Madara. "I want to fight NOW!"

"Hey, Iruka?" says Mikoto. "Remember how I said if you beat me in a fight you can be a jounin?"

"Yes?" says Iruka, interested.

"If you beat Madara you can be a jounin," Mikoto tells him.

"Hey, you can't make him a jounin!" interrupts Tsunade. "Only I can do that!"

"Okay, then," amends Mikoto. "If you beat Madara, Tsunade will make you a jounin."

"Sweet!" Iruka jumps up. "I gotta seal him away to beat him, right?"

"Yes."

"Cool." He pulls out a kusarigama and starts walking towards Madara, swinging the blade in a lazy arc. "So Madara, do you wanna fight me?"

"You!" he points at Iruka in annoyance. "But you're just a chunin."

"Oh, come," Iruka says flippantly. "I have a rough idea of how to use this thing. Besides, I thought you wanted a fight."

"I do!" splutters Madara. "But I want a decent fight."

"Good, so do I," smiles Iruka, switching his hands around so that he is holding the kusarigama properly. "So let's dance."

Madara smiles, obviously realizing that he has a good opponent, and the pair attack each other.

"Looks like we get show to go with our meal," comments Utakata.

"Kick his ass, bro!" yells Naruto, waving his can of L&P in the air.

"Does that chunin even stand a chance?" asks Hashirama sounding rather concerned.

Sasori stands up, a shiny backdrop appearing behind him. "And now it's time for: Fun Facts With Sasori!" announces a disembodied voice as a burst of confetti shoots into the air around Sasori.

Adopting a bland but somewhat theatrical tone, Sasori reports; "Facts about the Prank King: in all Bingo Books he is listed as an S Rank menace. He is kage level in all areas, except those he is only Anbu level. He is a master of seals, traps, dangerous weapons, stealth and tracking. He earned his title at the age of nine when he waged a prank war against the Fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves and won. Winning this prank war also earned him an apprenticeship with the kunoichi known as The Grim Reaper." Apparently finished, Sasori sits back down again.

"Did anyone bring popcorn?" asks Tobirama. "This is gonna be a good fight."

"I brought potato chips," says Yugito, holding up one of the bags she brought.

"That'll do," says Tobirama, taking the bag. He opens it and starts munching on the chips, watching the fight with interest.

"You're dead, you don't need to eat!" protests his father.

"But I can, so I will," says Tobirama. "This is a picnic, and one goes on a picnic to eat, among other things."

"I thought you didn't have the Senju Stupid?" says Itachi confused.

Tobirama turns to the young Uchiha. "Boy, one can have the Stupid and take advantage of the fact everyone else has it. That is half the fun of being immune. You can do odd things and the only people likely to question it are the other people who are immune."

"So you're saying that being immune to the Senju Stupid is fun and useful?"

"Exactly. It's like living inside a comedy, but like every comedy, it does get annoying sometimes." _Chomp, chomp chomp._ Tobirama goes back to eating chips.

Itachi looks like someone blew his mind.

"Ooo, that looks painful," says Hiashi, wincing in sympathy as Madara slashes Iruka across the chest, sending spurts of blood every where.

"Tis but a flesh wound," says Iruka dismissively. "I've had worse." He advances on Madara, heedless of his injury and continues to battle him with as much finesse and nonchalance as before. Several explosions, two blazing fire jutsu and a prank involving a roll of duct tape, a can of L&P and pin later, Iruka says, "Time to seal you away, Madara." He pulls something out of his pocket and throws it at Madara. The white and red ball hits Madara and sucks him into itself. It wiggles back and forth while Madara tries to escape. Finally, the red light on the front of the ball stops flashing and turns white. Iruka walks over to the ball picks it up and turns around. A dramatic back drop appears behind him as he strikes a pose and says, "I caught… a Madara!"

"Where did you get a working Pokeball from?" asks Kakashi curiously.

"Oh, I've had it since I was ten," shrugs Iruka. Putting the pokeball in his pocket.

"Sasori my man," says Deidara. "Did you know the Prank King was a Pokemon trainer?"

"Fact Of Life:" says Fugaku, crossing his arms. "The Prank King is whatever the Prank King wants to be."

"Damn Straight," grins Iruka, sitting down beside Mei and getting on with the picnic.

"Hey, look!" Kisame points into the trees. "Here comes Team Tsuki no Me."

"They do not look happy," remarks Hiashi.

"They must be put out by how easily we've beaten everything they threw at us," says Sasuke, munching a tomato sandwich.

Gaara yawns. "Does anyone mind if I take a nap?"

"I'll join ya," says Utakata.

"Me too," says Kurama.

The three of them find a shady spot in the grass and start napping. Shukaku stands watch beside Gaara glaring at everyone who come close. The biju are all back in miniature now, so rather than looking terrifying Shukaku just looks adorable.

Team Tsuki no Me approaches the picnic with anger written in every part of their body language. There is Orochimaru, Danzo, Tobi, Zetsu and bringing up the rear is Kabuto Yakushi.

"You dare to make a mockery of us?!" Danzo roars, pointing an accusing finger at the picnickers.


	37. No, THIS is how it Went Down

"Leave Kabuto to me," says Itachi, standing up and walking towards the boy with glasses.

Fugaku frowns, wondering what Itachi has in mind.

"Sasuke, you and I are going to put the power Old Man Paperclips gave us to good use and kill his annoying little brother Zetsu," says Naruto jumping up and pulling Sasuke along behind him.

"Danzo is mine!" screams Mikoto, leaping up and throwing off the dress she just put back on.

"Actually," says Tsunade, hiding a smile. "You might want to kill Orochimaru. He has been after your sons' young, beautiful bodies since you died…"

"Orochimaru, you are going to die!" Mikoto switches targets. Orochimaru runs for his life, and Mikoto gives chase.

"Tsunade sensei," asks the Pink One. "Can I join the battle?"

"Have you mastered the Hundred Healings Jutsu?" asks Tsunade rhetorically.

"Hold on one second," says the Pink One, making the sign for molding chakra. A purple diamond appears on her forehead. "Yes, I have," she says smiling.

"Go kick some booty," says Tsunade.

Smiling, Sakura gets up and marches towards Danzo, emitting dark Killing Intent. "You are going to die for what you have done," she says her voice hard as a ten foot thick concrete wall reinforced with thirty centimeters of double-hardened steel plating.

Danzo starts to back away in fear. "You again…!" he starts to unwrap the bandages around his arm.

Sakura darts forward, grabs Danzo's arm and rips it off. She tosses it to Fugaku. "I believe this belongs to your clan."

Fugaku pulls back the bandages revealing around a dozen sharingan implanted in the fake arm. "Hey, that is my second cousin twice removed on my father's side's sister-in-law's first cousin's left eye!" says Fugaku angrily. That cousin of his second cousin twice removed on his father's side's sister in law was a great guy.

"You think that is all you need to defeat me?" demands Danzo, pulling off the bandages covering his right eye.

"That's MY eye!" Fugaku snaps. "Break him in half, Pink Thing!"

Sakura does just that. Unfortunately, Danzo uses the Izanagi to undo her handy work. Sakura simply turns him into mushy Danzo flat-cakes.

"You raised quite the apprentice, Tsunade," says Fugaku approvingly.

"Her intense training regime gave her strength a half times stronger than my own," says Tsunade. "On top of that, she built up her natural chakra level at an accelerated rate in order to master the Hundred Healings in a year. She mastered it in ten months." Tsunade smiles in pride as her apprentice seals what's left of Danzo into a scroll, because who wants to see _that_ while they are on a picnic.

Sakura strides back over to the picnic area and hands the scroll to Tsunade. "One Danzo Shimura, dead," she reports. Then she turns to Fugaku. "You know; Sasuke, Naruto and I read the official documents about the massacre, but one thing doesn't quite add up," she says, frowning. "Why would a clan plot a coup d'etat against the leaders of a village it help to found?"

"Is that story still going around?" asks Mikoto, appearing beside Fugaku and putting her clothes back on.

"Where's Orochi-pedo?" asks Sakura. "And is the official report about the Massacre not true?"

"Unfortunately, the old snake reverse summoned himself too far away for me to bother chasing him down," sighs Mikoto. "And yes, the official report is false. This is how it went down...

" _...and that's my plan to sacrifice Danzo to Jashin," Mikoto Uchiha finishes addressing her clan. "I will need your cooperation to make this plot go smoothly. DO NOT, and I repeat NOT, let him get wind of this, or he will make it look like we're plotting a coup and have us executed. Am I clear?"_

 _A chorus of "Yes Mikoto sama." rumbles its way around the room._

 _A few months later..._

" _Aw crap. Danzo heard about my plan, didn't he?" sighs Mikoto as she sees the full scale carnage that her 13 year old son created in the last few minutes._

" _Most definitely," agrees Fugaku, hands on his hips. "I guess the only choice for us now is to honourably face execution." They go to their house to wait for Itachi to come for them, glad that Sasuke is late home from school._

 _Finally, Itachi arrives. "I'm sorry," he says. "We tried to stop it, but after Danzo took Shisui's eye, there was nothing we could do."  
_ " _Just kill us," Fugaku says, facepalming. "Oh and before I go, I have some things to tell you. Listen very carefully, I'm only going to say this once; don't let Sasuke do anything stupid, like, for example, leaving the village to train with Orochimaru, then become an S rank missing nin, because that would suck. Especially if he tried to destroy Konoha, or something stupid like that. Also, don't let him find out where babies come from til he's 35...  
_ " _Do you want grandkids or not?!" demands Mikoto.  
_ " _Itachi can handle that," shrugs Fugaku.  
_ " _But..." Itachi's voice shakes. "...Tobi just killed my girlfriend."  
Mikoto sighs sadly. "Well," she says, trying to find something good about the situation. "At least Jashin will be proud of the slaughter my son did tonight. Means I'll die in his favour." Her eyes start shining in that 'I'm about to go all Grim Reaper' way.  
Afraid she will ruin the clan's good name by going on a killing spree of her own, Fugaku snaps, "Hurry up and kill us, dammit!"_

"And that is how it really went down," finishes Mikoto, smugly.

"Huh," says Sakura.

There is a giant explosion from the direction of Sasuke and Naruto's loud and flashy fight with Zetsu. Fugaku glances over to see how the fight is going. Sasuke and Naruto are each holding an end of something black and slimy-looking.

"Zetsu!" Tobi yells, disappearing and reappearing beside Naruto.

"NARUTO!" the JUC jumps into action, well the awake members of it do, anyway.

Fu, Han, Roshi, B, Yugito and Yagura, along with their tailed beasts, attack Tobi. Every attack they throw at him misses for some reason. Fugaku activates his Sharingan and watches Tobi's moves.

"What's up with his chakra?" mutters Hiashi. "It keeps vanishing in places then reappearing!"

"He is using a technique of the Mangekyou Sharingan!" Fugaku realizes.

"He has a rinnegan under his mask!" says Neji, who is also examining Tobi with his doujutsu.

"FU!" Yugito shouts, drawing their attention to the fact that Tobi has Fu by the throat and is choking her.


	38. Tobi is NOT a Good Boy

Neji doesn't even think. He charges Tobi, flying straight through him and grabbing Fu. Tobi is so surprised he doesn't have enough time to make Fu intangible. Neji lands in the grass with Fu in his arms.

"Neji saved Fu," says Fu, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Neji loves Fu," says Neji. Still not thinking straight, he adds, "Will Fu marry Neji?"

"When Fu and Neji are old enough!" says Fu, holding up a finger. Then she kisses Neji soundly. Then both of them blush so red they make Hinata's worst blushes look pink.

"Aren't they a bit young to be thinking of marriage?" asks Hizashi.

"Hey, look on the bright side," says Nagato, waving a BBQ'd sausage in Hizashi's direction. "At least marriage is actually on their list. My adopted daughter and her boyfriend are trying to skip straight to the 'making babies' part of things."

"Okay, that's IT," Rin stands up and marches up to Tobi. "You have been a VERY, VERY bad boy, Tobi!" she growls, pointing an accusing finger at him.

Tobi stares at Rin, apparently too surprised to move.

Sasuke and Naruto take the opportunity to kill Zetsu by completely destroying him with the Sage of Six Path's power..

"Take. Off. The. Mask." Rin taps her foot impatiently, one hand on her hip and a very angry expression on her face.

"I told Orochimaru not to reanimate you!" Tobi protests. He sees Sakumo Hatake. "And told him not to re animate you either!" he says, pointing at Sakumo.

"Take off the mask NOW, Obito Uchiha!" snaps Rin.

"Wait, Obito?" Fugaku stares at Tobi, a look of disbelief on his face. "What the Kishimoto happened to you? You used to be such a sweet little cupcake!"

"Bring him over here for the Naruto Treatment," says Kakashi, looking about as done as burned cake.

Before Tobi can so much as twitch, Rin grabs him by the collar, takes his mask off and drags him over to Naruto. "He's all yours," she says.

Naruto takes ahold of Tobi by the wrist and says, "There are two people who want to have _words_ with you."

"What two people?" asks Tobi.

"My parents," grins Naruto. "Let's go in my mindscape, shall we?" In the instant before both Naruto and Tobi's faces go blank, Tobi's face adopts a look of pure terror.

"What was that about?" asks the Second Mizukage, charismatically.

"Well," says Iruka. "Long story short: Tobi is actually Obito, a former teammate of Kakashi's and the one who gave him the Sharingan. Rin was the other one on their team and their jounin sensei was Naruto's father. My guess is the Yellow Flash is not happy one of his students is responsible for all the crap that's been going on lately."

"So, when will Tobi's funeral be?" asks Mikoto.

"Eventually," says Rin, stomping back over to the picnic. "Kakashi, don't be too upset if Tobi joins me in the afterlife."

Kakashi makes a noise that sounds like a cross between laughing and dying.

"Soooo…" Roshi tries to catch everyone's attention. Unlike many people who tried things recently, Roshi actually succeeds. "Can we get back to the picnic?" he asks. "At this rate we won't finish in time for afternoon tea."

"Good point," says Mei. "Let's get on with the picnic."

And they do just that.

Soon, Naruto drags a ditzy-looking Tobi over to the picnic. "He has repented his bad ways, and agreed to be a good boy from now on." says Naruto, dumping Tobi at Rin and Kakashi's feet.

"Tobi is sorry," says Tobi absent mindedly. "Tobi will be a good boy from now on. Tobi has been a very bad boy. Tobi must change or Kushina onee-sama-kami will come out of the seal and destroy Tobi. Tobi must be a good boy. Tobi must be a good boy…" he starts rocking back and forth and repeating "Tobi must be a good boy" over and over.

"Tobi," says Konan. "Be a good boy and eat this sandwich. Knowing you, you probably skipped lunch to ruin our picnic."

"Tobi is sorry he attacked your picnic," says Tobi, taking the sandwich.

"Is it time for dessert yet?" asks Gaara, waking up from his nap.

"Sure, why not," says Mei. "Who brought the desert food?"

"FU BROUGHT MARSHMALLOWS!" Fu shouts, holding up several giant bags of marshmallows.

"I brought ice cream," says Oonoki, unsealing about 20 cartons of ice cream from a freezing scroll.

"I brought dango," says Itachi, presenting his scroll-full of hundreds of dango sticks.

"I have tomatoes," says Sasuke, holding up a bucketful.

"Sasuke," says Naruto, who is secretly holding Hinata's hand. "Tomatoes are not a dessert food."

"And ramen isn't a breakfast food," counters Sasuke.

"Ah, touche," says Naruto.

"Ramen is so a breakfast food," says Iruka.

"Iruka, your parents would be ashamed of you," says Mikoto.

"Actually," says Naruto, still holding Hinata's hand and keeping a lookout in case Hiashi sees. "Mum says that Iruka-nii's parents frequently had ramen for breakfast. So, yeah…"

"You see?" says Iruka, making an 'I told you so' gesture. "Ramen is a breakfast food."

"What are we going to do about the gedo statue?" asks Tsunade.

"Nothing." says Nagato. "Absolutely nothing." He shovels down a spoonful of ice cream and adds, "There is nothing we need to do. Tobi is a good boy now, and I don't plan on using the Gedo Statue unless I need to. I can summon it to me in an instant, so we really don't need to do anything about it at all."

"So what would you have done if you didn't find out about the plan to re animate shinobi for our army?" asks Tobi, having calmed down in the presence of the vast amount of Dango Itachi unsealed.

"Oh, we knew about your plan to use reanimations from the start," says Sasuke. "Jugo told us ages ago. But I guess you didn't re animate his friend Kimimaro after all?"

"No," says Tobi. "He would have been part of the Third Wave of re animations. But we realized that nothing short of Madara himself would even pose a challenge to your picnic."

"Ah, I see," says Tsunade. "You do realize we are going to have to give you a full criminal trial, right?"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Try Telling That to the Fourth Raikage, Boruto!**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Mariko-Hime**_ _and that_ _ **Guest**_ _for picking up the Monty Python/Holy Grail reference._

"Hey Dad," says Boruto one day. "I want to Train with Uncle Sasuke and be like him, except I want to be in Akatsuki, not the KPC."

Naruto chokes on his ramen. After whacking himself in the chest a few times, he turns to Boruto and says, "What?!"

"I said, 'I want to train with Uncle Sasuke and join Akatsuki'," repeats Boruto, and takes another mouthful of ramen.

"Wanting to be in Akatsuki I can understand," chokes Naruto. "But why would you want to train with Sasuke?"

"Because his style is better than yours and I don't want to use your style, because it's lame," explains Boruto, matter-of-factly. "Especially your pranks. Like, you couldn't take down a mouse with your stupid pranks."

Naruto falls off his stool and curls up in the fetal position. "Lame…" he whimpers. "Couldn't take down a mouse…" Then something occurs to Naruto. He jumps to his feet. "That's it! The next mission your team get's will be with me! I'll show you what the Orange Terror can _really_ do!"

 _One epic mission later…_

"Dad, I stand by what I said before," says Boruto, his arms crossed an expression of boredom on his face. "Your pranking is lame, even if you _can_ level armies with a bucket of rice and a toothpick."

"But...but...but…" Naruto is one insult away from crying.

"But I suppose you aren't a weakling afterall, so that's something I guess."

Naruto starts bawling.

"Oh, shut up you wuss!" snaps Boruto.


	39. Go Home Kabuto

"Hey, Itachi, why do you have one of your eyes closed?" asks Naruto, curious as to why Itachi has had his left eye closed since his fight with Kabuto. Kabuto is standing right where Itachi genjutsu him, still immobilized.

"Oh," Itachi looks uncomfortable. "I used the Izanami on Kabuto."

"What's Izanami?" asks Sasuke, curious.

"A genjutsu of the Mangekyou Sharingan that puts its victim in a never ending loop until they admit to something, or change their point of view," answers Fugaku. "It also takes away the sight of the eye that cast the jutsu."

"So is Itachi blind in one eye now?" asks Naruto.

"Yes," says Itachi.

Sasuke and Naruto look at eachother, then at Itachi, then grin at each other. With Sasuke using his left hand, and Naruto using his right, they press their hands together then place them overlapping on Itachi's closed eye.

"Hey, you're smudging my glasses!" protests Itachi.

Grinning at each other, Sasuke and Naruto remove their hands.

"Open your eye," says Naruto.

Itachi opens his eye. Then blinks and closes the other eye, then re opens it, blinks some more and says, "You restored my eye."

"That right there is the power of the Sage of the Six Paths," says Naruto.

At about that moment, Kabuto breaks free of the izanami. Without so much as glancing at the picnic, Kabuto turns and starts to walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?" demands Tobirama, hiraishining in front of Kabuto.

"I'm going home to my family," says Kabuto and pushes past Tobirama.

"Let him go, Lord Second," says Itachi.

"Silence Uchiha!" snaps Tobirama.

Itachi activates his mangekyo sharingan. "Unless you want to spend 72 hours listening to a three year old sing the same annoying song on repeat I suggest you _leave Kabuto alone._ " Itachi glares at Tobirama. "I have dealt with him already. He is no longer any threat to us."

Itachi and Tobirama glare at each other for a few tense seconds.

"Fine!" snaps Tobirama.

"Now that that's settled," says Fugaku, smiling cheerfully. "Can we get back to being dead?"

"What about Orochimaru?" asks Jiraiya. "He's still out there."

"Don't worry about him," says Sakura. "We'll deal with him some other time."

"Well, then," says Mikoto, standing up. "If we are all in agreement - and by all I mean me and Fugaku, the rest of you have no say - I will release the reanimation jutsu. That should send us all back."

"Except Madara," says Iruka. "So long as he is tied to the Pokeball it's up to me whether or not he stays or goes." He tosses the pokeball into the air and catches it again.

"Everyone say your goodbyes, because we are leaving now," says Mikoto. She hugs Sasuke and Itachi. "You two look out for eachother, okay?"

"Don't you boys go becoming S Rank criminals, alright?" adds Fugaku, hugging his sons from the opposite side of them to his wife.

"I've already been an S Rank criminal," says Itachi.

"That doesn't count, because you were just being a rebellious teenager," says Fugaku.

"I'm going to re-establish the Konoha Police Corp," says Sasuke. "This time it won't just be consisted of Uchihas - anyone who wants to join can if they have the right skills!"

"That's a good idea, Sasuke," says Fugaku.

"You better be a good Hokage, big sis," says Nawaki to Tsunade.

"Hey, it's fun," grins Tsunade. "And once I'm sick of it, I'll just give the hat to Kakashi, and once he's done he'll give it to Naruto, and once Naruto's done, it'll be Konohamaru's turn."

"Wait, I can't be Hokage!" protests Kakashi. "I'm not worthy of the title!"

"You'll make a great Hokage," says Rin. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Heh, you go be the Hokage, Kakashi," adds Zabuza, grinning. "You live your life by a code I can respect."

"Naruto," says Haku. "Did you find a purpose, a reason to fight?"

"Yes, I did," replies Naruto, grinning. "Thanks to you I now fight to protect the people I care about and I always will."

The fourth Kazekage puts his hand on Gaara's head. "I'm sorry Gaara," he says. "I completely misjudged you. I can see you will protect the Hidden Sand." He turns to Temari and Kankuro. "It seems you two were right about Gaara the whole time."

"Well, he is our little brother," grins Kakuro.

"Keep this peace," says Hashirama. "Please; don't turn on each other and start another war!" He bows to the current Kages.

"Do not worry," says Gaara. "This peace will last so long as I am Kazekage. You have my word."

"And it will last so long as I am Mizukage," adds Mei.

"And so long as I am Hokage," says Tsunade. "Kakashi will uphold the peace while he is Hokage, and I know that any who tries to break the peace while Naruto is Hokage will face the wrath of the Orange Terror."

"I will ensure the Stone upholds the peace," says Oonoki. "If only so I can play Grandfather to Gaara."

"The minor villages will not step out of line," says Nagato. "I will ensure they uphold the peace too."

"The Lightning will also uphold the peace," adds A. "The Shinobi world will enter this age of peace and uphold it together."

"Yay!" Hashirama smiles happily. "Finally an age of peace!"

"You bunch of pansies!" snaps Madara's father. "What kind of warriors are you?"

"Ancestor of mine," says Itachi calmly. "It takes more strength to uphold peace than start a war."

"Is everybody ready?" asks Mikoto. "We are going to release the jutsu now." She and Fugaku join their hands together to make the appropriate hand signs. The re animations start to dissolve, paper like white flakes fall away from zetsu clones as the spirit of each re animated shinobi's soul leaves their fake body. Some of them wave goodbye as they float up into the air and vanish, and others simply look up at the sky. But some of them just look thoroughly annoyed.

Soon they are all gone, leaving The JUC, the Kages and the Akatsuki sitting on the picnic blanket with Iruka, Temari, Kankuro, Sakura, Kakashi and Obito.

"That was a good picnic," says Naruto, satisfied.

"What do we do about Obito?" asks Kakashi.

"Several months of therapy and community service should do the trick," says Tsunade. "There are plenty of old ladies in Konoha who missed him. If we tell them what he's been up to, we won't have to bother with a trial."

"You're gonna set the old ladies on me?" asks Obito, afraid. "But I haven't been a good boy! They'll tear me apart!"

"Let's send him to work at the old folks home!" suggests Sasuke. "He can spend the rest of his days assisting the elderly!"

"Sasuke," says Tsunade. "When we get back to the Leaf, you and I are going to discuss re establishing the KPC."


	40. Damned Senjus and thier Stupid!

Kabuto Yakushi, the alleged 'forever genin' who is actually jounin level, knocks on the door of the Konoha orphanage.

The door opens and a kid stares up at Kabuto, his mouth open. Then the kid turns and yells, "Urishi-nii-san! There's a strange guy here!"

Kabuto waits as he hears footsteps heading through the building towards the door. What is Urushi doesn't recognize him, because of the faked photos? What if Urushi doesn't believe he is Kabuto?

Kabuto only just came to terms with the fact that he is Kabuto himself.

Urushi finally appears, after what seems like an eternity (but was actually only four seconds, because Urushi recognized Kabuto's chakra right away and was already headed for the door).

"Kabuto!" Urushi says, hugging Kabuto, and lifting him off the ground in the process. "You finally came back."

"You recognize me?" Kabuto gasps out, surprised and thoroughly winded.

"I recognized your chakra," says Urushi. "It's way more reliable than those stupid photos that Danzo sent us. They were obviously faked."

"How could you tell?" asks Kabuto. "Mother believed they were genuine and didn't recognize me!"

"That's because, unlike me, she wouldn't accept that there is no way that you would turn out that manly," Urushi grins, giving Kabuto a noogie. "Ya little whimp!"

"No, we should let the people who decided they don't want to be ninjas for whatever reason join!" argues Sasuke. "Why does everyone think a police force needs to consist of ninjas?"

"Look, kid," says Tsunade patiently, a bottle of Sake in her hand. "In a village of ninjas, the police force should also be ninjas!"

"I'm not saying we shouldn't have any ninjas," argues Sasuke, resisting the urge to punch the Hokage (damned Senjus!). "I'm just saying that not all the members NEED to be ninjas! I mean, what if there is someone with amazing ninjutsu or taijutsu skills and they don't wanna be a ninja? They could join the police force instead!"

"Well, that makes sense, I suppose," agrees Tsunade. "But what about your plan to take civilians and Academy dropouts?"

"Not dropouts!" snaps Sasuke. "I want to give Academy students the opportunity to transfer to police training instead of ninja training! Seriously, is this so hard to understand?" he sighs in frustration. "And as for civilians - why should we not have a civilian division to deal with civilian problems?"

"Just admit he has good ideas," says A, trying not to laugh. "The kid knows what he wants to do, so let him."

The other Kage agree. The Kage and the JUC are gathered at the gates of Konoha, ready to go back to their own Villages. Several people are there to see them and their bodyguards off. Sasuke has been arguing with Tsunade non stop since they made it back to the village after the picnic, trying to get her to see his point of view. The other Kages think his ideas are good, so why doesn't Tsunade? (Stupid Senju!)

Fu and Neji are hugging, Fu is crying and Neji is trying to console her. "I'll come and visit you soon!" he says. "We won't be apart for long!"

Fu kisses Neji on the lips and says, "You better come visit me soon!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke sees Naruto turn and kiss Hinata while Hiashi is distracted by Neji and Fu. He decides not to call them out.

"When will the next meeting of the JUC be?" asks Han of Naruto, who hurriedly pretends he wasn't kissing Hinata.

"Maybe in a month's time?" suggests Naruto. "But if anyone wants to talk, we can meet in the shared mindscape."

"Can you bring Neji in the shared mindscape?" asks Fu, oblivious to how riled up Hiashi's chakra is getting due to her prolonged close proximity to Neji.

"Sure," says Naruto. "But I will have to chaperone the two of you!"

Hiashi's chakra calms down.

"Well, I'm off now," says Oonoki, hoisting up his backpack, only to yell in pain. "ARR, I put my back out!"

His body guard simply picks Oonoki up and set his on his shoulders. "Allow me to assist you," he says.

"Good bye," says Gaara, who is accompanying Oonoki until their paths diverge. Gaara and Oonoki set off with their posses.

"B!" yells A. "We're leaving!"

"Okay, bro," B says, and fistbumps Naruto. "Catch you later, kid!"

A sets off with his posse, leaving just the Mist and the Rain.

"Shall we?" says Nagato.

"Bye!" Naruto says, hugging his cousin. "Don't let Karin find those tights you hid in your luggage!" he teases.

"SHH!" Nagato jokes, holding his finger to his lips. "She'll hear you!"

Naruto laughs.

"Come on, guys!" says Nagato. "Let's go."

The Akatsuki sets out, Fu going with them as Hidan and Kakuzu are to see her safely home.

"So when are you getting out of my village already, Iruka?" demands Tsunade, waving her Sake bottle at Iruka sensei.

"Right now," says Iruka.

"What about your horse?" asks Sasuke. "Where is it?"

Iruka lets out a whistle and the horse comes out of the trees at a gallop, its mane and tail streaming out behind it. The saddle and bridle it came with are gone and as a result it looks wild. Iruka picks up Mei, who has Sanma in his sling. Then Iruka leaps up onto the horse, and holding Mei and Sanma with one arm and the horse's neck with the other he sits like a professional rider. (Sasuke wonders who taught Iruka sensei to ride a horse.) The horse rears, and Iruka waves a hand in the air. "Farewell, comrades!" he says, and rides off into the sunset with his wife and child.

"HEY! WAIT FOR US!" yells Ao, setting off after Iruka, Mei and Sanma at a run.

"DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!" yells Chojuro, taking off after Ao.

Yagura just smiles and sets off at a dawdle. He isn't in a hurry to catch up.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **1337 Bagpipe Skillz.**

 ** _Dedicated to_** _ **ArturoLJ50**_ _for the idea._

"Orochimaru!" shouts Hiruzen at his former student. "Surrender now or I will be forced to destroy you!"

"Sarutobi sensei, you know I won't surrender," says Orochimaru, carefully positioning himself in front of the door behind him. Hiruzen wonders what Orochimaru is hiding.

Hiruzen takes a deep breath. Time to use his new ultimate attack. Hiruzen raises the pipe to his mouth and fills the bagpipes with one chakra-enhanced breath. A loud speel of sound echoes around Orochimaru's hideout. The force of the Scottish reel that Hiruzen is playing sends Orochimaru flying through the roof and into deep space.

"That's the last we'll see of him," says Hiruzen, nodding firmly and lowering his bagpipes. "Now to find out what he was hiding." Hiruzen opens the door that Orochimaru was trying to keep him away from.

The room looks for all intents and purposes like a child's bedroom. And sitting on the floor of this room is a little boy with bluish off-white hair. He looks about the same age Boruto and Sarada, Hiruzen reflects. The boy stares up at Hiruzen and smiles in a kind of creepy yet very adorable way. "Hello," he says. "I am Mitsuki; who are you?"

"I'm Hiruzen Sarutobi," says Hiruzen. "Who are your parents?"

"My parent is Orochimaru," says the boy, smiling.

Hiruzen swears silently. How did Orochimaru get a kid? "Sorry to have to tell you this, but I just blew Orochimaru into deep space."

The boy stares up at Hiruzen. "Can you take me to the Hidden Leaf?" he asks. "I want to be a Leaf ninja like my parent was. But I don't want to be like my parent. They're crazy."

Hiruzen feels rather surprised. "I'm sure Kabuto and Urushi will love to have you at the Konoha Orphanage."


	41. Chapter Forty and a Half

_**AN: well, here is that longer chapter you all wanted. Unfortunately, it's also the last chapter. But don't worry, Ignus Dracorex and I are planning a shorter spinoff about Madara breaking out of the pokeball. However, we won't do that until we've finished the other fanfiction we're working on (you know, the one I mentioned a few omakes ago?) it doesn't have a name yet and it might be a few weeks before we start posting it. But keep an eye out if you are interested. Also, thanks to everyone for reading and commenting, and with this final chapter, we bid you adieu.**_

 _Eighteen years later._

"Today school finishes early," says Shino sensei. "Be good and go straight home. The reason for this is…"

"WOO!" yells Boruto, jumping out of his seat. "FINALLY! I'm gonna pull an amazing prank! Who wants to come?"

"Don't be stupid!" says Shikadai. "The police are going to be everywhere today because of the Five Kage Summit. You'll get caught!"

"Pff, as if!" laughs Boruto.

Sarada glares at him. He's such an idiot. Must be the Hyuuga blood. Ew, Hyuuga blood. Or maybe it has something to do with his similarities to his dad. Sarada's mum did tell her stories about when Team Seven were kids. Sarada shrugs. It's probably both. Only someone with both the Hyuuga Idiocy and the Senju Stupid could be as idiotic and dense as Boruto.

Boruto continues to argue with Shikadai, trying to convince him to be a part of whatever shenanigan Boruto is plotting.

"Come on, guys," says Inojin, ever the responsible one. "We have to train with our parents today!"

"Sorry, can't come!" says Chocho. "I am going to get Dango with Anko sensei." Anko appears at the door and she and Chocho head off together. Sarada remembers that Anko used to be skinny, but then she ate too much dango and had Ibiki's baby, and now she's chubby.

"Pranks and training are troublesome," complains Shikadai, leaving Inojin to face their (soon to be angry) parents alone.

"Uncle Neji!" yells Himawari, running into Uncle Neji and Aunt Fu's house before her mum can even knock. She jumps up and hugs Uncle Neji and gives him a sunflower. "I brought you a sunflower!" she says grinning.

"Thank you, Hima-chan," says Uncle Neji.

"So what's the big news you want to tell me?" asks Hima's Mum, closing the door that Hima left wide open.

Neji's identical twin daughters poke their heads around the living room door. "Mum's pregnant again," the girls say in perfect sync.

Their little sister, who is the same age as Hima, runs out to hug her cousin. Chomei buzzes around Hima's cousin's green pigtails just like he always does.

Then Aunt Fu herself emerges and throws herself on Hima's mum. "I'm having twins again!" she cries. "Boys this time, but TWINS!" she seems rather upset. "Why do twins have to run in your family!"

"YOUTH!" yells Might Gai as he leads the running-on-your-hands training.

"YOUTH!" echoes Rock Lee, who is following just behind him sweat pouring down his face.

"'Outh!" manages Lee's son, Metal Lee who is barely managing to keep up.

"YOUTH!" finishes Nagato, who has joined the training regime - green spandex and all.

Tenten looks up as someone enters her weapons shop. Hopefully they are here to buy. Business has been scarce lately.

It is Suigetsu, the guy who beat her in her second chunin exams. Karin is with him, along with the youngest of their six children, the only boy. "Hey, Tenten, how's business?" asks Karin.

"It's been so peaceful," says Tenten. "No one really needs to buy weapons, so I haven't been selling much lately."

"It's because of that peace that weapon quality has dropped," complains Suigetsu. "We're here to buy a set of weapons for our son, because I know your weapons are always the best quality."

Yay, business! Tenten tries not to jump for joy.

"Mum, I'm home," says Shikadai. "Tell Aunt Ino I can't go to training because my stomach hurts." He sees Uncle Gaara sitting at the table with his mum. "Oh, hi Uncle Gaara. Where's Uncle Kakuro?"

Uncle Kankuro sticks his head around the door. "Hey, Gaara, we gotta get going." he sees Shikadi. "Hey squirt."

Inojin peers around the tree to see his parents and Chocho's parents standing in the middle of the training ground with their fathers and Shikadai's grandfather. Inojin's mum does not look happy. _There's no way I can show my face here without the other two,_ he thinks, scared. _Maybe I should just go find Uncle Shin. He will hide me._

Inojin takes another peek. Aunt Karui doesn't seem to bothered by the fact none of the kids turned up. Maybe he can get away with ditching. Inojin sneaks away to find Uncle Shin.

"Bye Dad!" says Mirai, grabbing her backpack. "I'm leaving for my mission now."

"Have fun," her Dad says. He is playing shogi with Grandpa Hiruzen, who is visiting from the nearby Scottish Village, where he has lived since it was built.

"Come on Grandpa," Mirai adds turning to leave. As she is headed out the door she adds, "Bye Mum! See you all in a couple of days."

"You're leaving late," scolds her Mum.

Mirai laughs. "I'm escorting the Sixth to the previous kage's get-together. I don't have to be on time!"

"I'll have time to finish this game, then," says Grandpa Hiruzen.

"So I guess we're just waiting for Kakashi and Hiruzen," says the fourth Raikage.

"Kakashi will be late," says Tsunade. "And Hiruzen is traveling with him because his granddaughter is acting as escort."

"Sorry we couldn't do this properly," says Oonoki, who is in bed and too old to move. "I don't like being immobile."

"It doesn't matter that the meeting's at your house," says Yagura, grinning. "It's less formal this way."

"All we're going to do is drink and complain," adds Tsunade.

"I'll complain about the fact that Sanma still refuses to cut his hair," Mei sighs. "It's so long now."

"We should all pay Naruto a surprise visit," Killer B suggests to the other assembled members of the JUC. He, Yugito, Han, Roshi and Utakata are sitting under the Waterfall of Truth with their bijus.

"He's been so busy lately," says Yugito. "He could probably use the excitement."

The others laugh, because what kage does their own paper work?

Boruto holds up his paintbrush, ready to graffiti the Kage faces. An upside down face appears in front of his own.

"WAAH!" Boruto gets such a fright he loses his footing and ends op swinging violently to and fro on the rope holding him up.

The owner of the face, why is hanging upside down on ninja wire grins. "You scare too easily, Boruto."

"Unlike you, I'm not a jounin, Sanma!" Boruto says, glaring at the Mist ninja.

Sanma haules Boruto onto the top of the First hokage's head and sits him down. "Now listen here, Boruto," says Sanma, his arms crossed and his already narrow brown eyes narrowed even further. "Graffitiing the Hokage heads is prank that has already been used many times by your father. You cannot copy another prankster's style, especially not your own father's." he crouches down in front of Boruto. "You must find your own pranking voice. Discover your inner prankster by only doing pranks that _you_ can do."

Boruto opens his mouth to protest.

"Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't get inspiration from the old hats at pranking," grins Sanma. "But you need to do things _your_ way. Don't just graffiti - take it up a level in a way only _you_ can."

Getting Sanma's meaning, Boruto grins. Then notices something. "You have new hair sticks!"

"Yep," Sanma touches one of the sticks holding his never-been-cut hair in a bun. They have pokeballs dangling off the ends of them.

"Naruto, we need to go now, the other Kage are here," says Shikamaru.

Naruto looks up from his paperwork. "Oh, right," he gets up to go to the Five Kage Summit.

"SEVENTH!" yells Moegi, running into the Hokage's office with Udon following close behind.

"We have a serious issue!" adds Udon, who looks very upset.

 _Meeting first, issue later!_ Orders Naruto's father from inside Kurama's seal.

Kurama, who is sleeping on stack of paperwork, wakes up and yawns. "Did Boruto do something?" he asks.

"Look out the window!" says Udon, pointing.

Kurama sits up and looks out the window, only to burst out laughing. Naruto whips around and sees….

The Hokage faces have been painted hyper-realistic! He can still see Bolt adding the finishing touches to his artwork. Naruto heads over to get a closer look. This is a brilliant prank. When he arrives, he finds Iruka-nii and Sanma standing below the stone faces grinning. Konohamaru is beside them, but he is not even slightly amused.

Bolt jumps down, apparently finished, and says, "I added my own flair!" gesturing up at the faces.

"Good job!" grins Sanma, giving Boruto a double thumbs up.

"Nice touch, Boruto!" says Naruto, encouragingly. "We'll make a master prankster of you yet!"

"Damn Straight!" laughs Iruka-nii.

 _Hey Naruto,_ Naruto's mum says. _I just felt the bystanders' fear levels go up drastically._

Once Sarada is finished following Boruto to try and figure out if it is possible to cure the Senju Stupid, she heads home. When she arrives, she finds her mother cleaning the bookshelf.

"When's Dad getting home?" asks Sarada.

"Soon," says Sarada's mum.

Sasuke creeps through the trees, the target is just up ahead. He puts his hand on the hilt of the sword that Hiruzen bought back for him from Scotland. It's time to move in.

He leaps forward, catching the target off guard, and presses the blade to his throat. "Jiraiya, you are under arrest for lewd behavior. Put down the telescope."

Jiraiya screams in terror as he he sees the spinning mangekyo sharingan in the Chief of Police's eye and drops the telescope.

Once Jiraiya is safely locked up away from the female public, Sasuke picks up some takeaways for dinner and heads home.

"Sorry I'm late," says Naruto, walking into the Meeting room where Gaara, Chojuro, Kurotsuchi and Darui are seated at the table, their Kage hats resting on the table in front of them. "I was admiring my son's latest prank."

"Great, you're raising another pranking terror," says Shukaku, who is sitting on Gaara's Kazekage hat.

"He's good when he can be bothered," says Kurama, who is sitting on Naruto's shoulder.

"Let's get on with the meeting," says Gaara. "The minor Village leaders will not be attending this session."

Inside his pokeball, Madara Uchiha plots what he will do once he escapes from the Prank King's clutches. He will go to 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.' for some soup, then he will stand on top of the Carved stone heads and laugh maniacally. Maybe he will also find Obito and see if he wants to help make problems for the ninja world. (In the Konoha Old Folks Home, Obito sneezes as he is helping an elderly lady down the stairs.)

Madara goes back to plotting his escape. First he will break out of the pokeball, then he will kill that annoying Prank King. Then he will destroy the Hidden Mist and head to Konoha, and...and…

Madara sighs. He is running out of ideas. As unlikely as his escape is, it is fun to plot it. It helps him pass the time.

 **The End.**


End file.
